Efterpe's Wish

New personal trainer

2010-07-31T15:27:00.003-04:00

In the past few weeks, I have enlisted the help of a personal trainer. If you remember, or even if you don't, I used to have one for about a year and a half. She was great and I did amazingly well with her. I was in the habit of exercising and even trained for the mammoth feat of riding 200 km from Toronto to Niagara Falls on the Ride to Conquer Cancer. She left about a year and a half ago and since them I've been lost. I joined a gym and did the classes but I didn't work out with weights because it was intimidating working out with these "buff" young men and scantily clad young women. After my membership lapsed, I did not renew. I've also been going to Weight Watchers for the past three years and after an initial 10 pound loss, I basically plateaued (but in reality, I wasn't really following the plan - I just liked the group meetings).

My friend had been working with a trainer and was doing incredibly well. But I couldn't commit to traveling up to his office north of Toronto. Well, a few weeks ago I said to myself "enough is enough," I quit Weight Watchers and called him. It's been two weeks and I've lost 3.5 pounds!!! He's got me on a healthy, "clean" eating plan and a 7-day exercise routine (WHICH I'M STICKING TO!!! ...much to my surprise) involving cardio and weight training. He believes I can be down to my goal weight by October. I'm trying hard not to sabotage myself, which I have a habit of doing. It's difficult being your own worst enemy, because you can't get away from yourself. So I'm dealing with it...

I'll try to post some updates because I think it's important to learn how to eat well, exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle. For me, attending the Weight Watchers meetings showed me I needed support, but WW doesn't go the distance and provide the one-to-one support that I really needed.

Busy, busy, busy

2010-06-06T09:37:00.003-04:00

OMG...have I been busy! Too busy for Bellyfit and Yoga, both of which I signed up in the spring session and attended hardly any classes. What I (and by 'I' I mean me and my family) did was adopt a dog!! A beautiful, 7-month old Labradoodle. So, as I continue to be busy with work, I am now also busy learning to be a dog owner.

Weight-wise, I have been stable. Deviated a bit from clean eating, but am back to monitoring the food I eat. It's actually quite easy to "stay clean" - it's the emotional eating that becomes an issue, that's when I backslide into eating junk.

Anyway, here's a photo of the newest member of our family...enjoy!

Bellyfit!

2010-04-07T18:25:00.003-04:00

I just signed up for a Bellyfit class AND am thinking it would be cool to become a Bellyfit instructor.

I was getting geared up to sign up for a belly dancing class as I've been really not exercising a whole heck of a lot in the past few months. When I was scanning down the list of classes, I found Bellyfit! I googled it and it's actually a "new" fitness class created by someone in BC. It's a fusion of belly dance, bollywood, African dance, yoga and pilates all done to beats set by a DJ. (Well, that's what my summary is...) When I was surfing on the Bellyfit site I saw a tab on "Instructors Training" and surfed on over to it. It's one weekend in July and costs about 300 bucks! Doable. Soooo...I started "dreaming" and thinking "why not??"...then I had to get back to reality.

As it stands now, I will be starting Bellyfit in a couple of weeks and decide then if it's something I would like to do as an aside. (BTW, teaching a fitness class does not come out of the blue for me...I've always wanted to be a yoga instructor...though I've never actually told anyone so shhh...)

Power Walking

2010-04-01T07:07:00.004-04:00

Ever since I turned 50, I committed myself to trying everything I've ever wanted to try. For my 50th I road 200 km on my bike in the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Since then, I've given myself permission to finally study art (which I'm doing at a local college), participated in a marathon, and studied belly dancing to name a few. This year, my goal is to learn to power walk and to improve my time in the Toronto Marathon! I've enlisted the help of WoW Power Walking and am looking forward to my first lesson on Friday. I think I'll enjoy it as I'm a fast walker to begin with, I'm hoping I will learn the proper form so I can go longer distances faster. Cheers!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T07:22:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Down 1.4 lbs two weeks in a row

2009-10-03T20:04:00.008-04:00

Happy, happy...for two weeks in a row, I've lost 1.4 pounds. At last week's WW meeting, Maureen gave us a challenge to lose 1 pound per week until Christmas. Full of confidence and armed with the Eat Clean plan, I took on the challenge and lost 1.4 this week. If I can lose 1 pound per week until Christmas, that would bring me to my goal weight, that would truly be a Christmas miracle! I'm so pleased that the Eat Clean Diet perfectly complements Weight Watchers plan. I use the points for tracking my portion and the eat clean food plan as a way to guide what I eat. And it works perfectly!

I was also able to upload some of the photos I've taken of the things I've made from the Eat Clean cookbook. My favourite recipe and most useful was the olive oil-butter spread. It's essentially equal parts of butter mixed with olive oil, put into a container and you can use in place of butter spread or when sauteing. It's fabulous!

Recipe

Mixing the butter and olive oil with my Braun stick

Voila! Finished product...refrigerated and it's a little harder than margarine, but works great.

Feeling good

2009-09-25T19:31:00.000-04:00

It's been a couple or more months since I began eating clean. I was gun-ho about cooking the recipes from the Eat Clean cookbooks I bought, I went as far as photographing the different things I made. Well, all that great food went into my tummy and the photos are still on the camera waiting for upload.

A quick summary, I've "tested" a bunch of recipes, the ones from the Eat Clean Diet book haven't been so successful but the recipes from the Eat Clean Cookbook are far more consistent in their ingredient proportions and cook time. I will upload the photos of food I do have and talk about the recipes soon.

The diet itself is not a diet...as cliche as this sounds...it's a lifestyle...and it's working for me!

Clean eating or following WW plan?

2009-09-06T09:49:00.005-04:00

Something's working...I was down 1.2 pounds, from last week, at my Weight Watcher's weigh-in yesterday morning! I like to think it's both the clean eating AND following the WW plan. I have been journalling for the last three weeks and been following the principles of clean eating for about 4 weeks (I think). I want this to be second nature. I was reading someone's blog regarding his journey into eat cleaning and the blogger commented that his wife clarified for him that clean eating was not a "diet" but a "lifestyle." This is exactly what I've been saying to my family and it's been pretty funny.

Last night we went to my cousin's house for a BBQ. Usually I take over a bottle of wine and some sort of sweet. On our way to her house, we stopped at a local grocery store. I told my family I was NOT buying a cake or a pie or any of the other desserts they suggested, but that I was buying fresh fruit! Rather that stay in the van, they all opted to come into the store with me...I suppose to supervise me maybe??!! They all spread to different isles to get what they said we "needed" and I picked out the fruit and we all converged at the checkout. At the end of this particular checkout there was a display of cut flowers and plants. I thought what a nice gesture it would be to get my cousin either flowers or a plant...I decided on a plant as it was really pretty and I thought it would round out the hostess gift - wine, fruit, plant! We checked out and went to the car...my son had purchased peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, which he opened in the car to snack on as we drove up to my cousins. (and here comes the point of this story...)

While he was opening the cookie bag he commented on the ingredient listing, something like this..."Boy, what a long list of ingredients. I don't think this is clean." And so the discussion of clean began on our trip. I sensed a bit of guilt in my son and my husband's voice as they chomped away on the cookies saying it wasn't clean and that they tasted something "weird" in this unclean snack but also noting that the gum I had just popped into my mouth was probably also not clean. (It was funny to listening to the discussion.) I let them know it was OK to have "unclean" food from time to time, but as long as our "normal" was to eat clean. I also told the kids that my goal for them is that they make "clean choices" in their lives when they live on their own and shop on their own. (I won't talk about the stunned look on their faces when they got confused about the "on their own" part of my speech.) I told them that it was easy to eat clean if they think about eating foods with minimum (1 - 3) ingredients.

So, the moral of this story is, that if you want your family to embrace clean eating tell them that it's for the long-term good of their health and that it's not exclusive to eating. It also helps if they're friends/girlfriends find it cool that they're eating healthy...

First Week Back to Work - A Test of Eating Clean

2009-09-04T07:09:00.003-04:00

Today is the last day of a full week back to work and it's been a bit of a challenge. I am at a new school and this one has a big main office that ALWAYS seems to have food for snacking. Food that doesn't, in any way, qualify as "clean." There is also a full kitchen right outside my office where there is always coffee in the pot, sugar on the counter...and no agave or sweetener or anything remotely resembling an alternative form of sweetness for my favourite beverage. So...I've been drinking coffee with a little milk and no sweetener and, surprisingly, I'm getting used to it. Coffee is one of the foods that we should restrict on when eating clean, but with all that candy, chocolate, and Tim Bits, I can control myself so much.

I've told everyone I'm off sugar and already people have said that sometimes people bring in plates of veggies and fruit, so that's a good thing. At Weight Watchers, they talk about telling people close to you that you are on Weight Watchers so they can support you, I think the same is true of any change you undertake, particularly a change in eating. The few people I've told about not having sugar, I've explained I'm trying to eat better and slowly, as I get to know people, I will enlighten them about eating clean. Meanwhile, I have one more day in this week, I'm just about to pack my cooler for the day and I'm off to work.

Clean eating for two weeks

2009-08-31T08:17:00.003-04:00

It has about two weeks since I started Rena Tosca's Eat Clean Diet and I've lost 3.4 pounds. It's been pretty easy. I feel full, I don't have to over think what I'm eating, but I am more away of what to stay away from than I ever was before. Next steps is to incorporate the supplements. I've purchased the supplements, but haven't set up a system to facilitate taking them. And I also have to re-integrate exercise. This has been really hard, mostly because I was doing so well with my exercise routine before my dad's surgery in February. It all seemed to go off the rails around April when he had the heart attack and contracted C-difficile.

Well, I have to focus on the good parts...my kids are adopting eating clean, mostly 'cause it seems cool to say they don't eat processed foods. It's like they're young hippies, or whatever the 2009 equivalent is of that. I also subscribed to the Clean Eating magazine, which is just fantastic. So, I will keep on groovin' with clean eating and work on the next steps without beating myself up for the things I haven't done.

Eating Clean

2009-08-24T08:38:00.010-04:00

I haven't been writing for a long time as I've been extremely busy taking care of my dad and trying to get his home ready for rental. My father seems to be getting better and I say this with some trepidation because I don't want to "jinx" him. It's very likely that he will go into a long-term care facility and I will have to supplement his pension in order to ensure a spot for him in one of the facilities I think are best for our circumstances.

Meanwhile, the battle of the menopausal budge continues! A few months ago I purchased Tosca Reno's book, The Eat-Clean Diet, and flipped through it and tried to follow it halfheartedly. I also purchased her cookbook and workout book thinking it would help me "do it right." Not so easy! In the subsequent months, I have been gaining weight mainly from the emotional eating and drinking. Then, after getting my blood test results back from my doctor and learning my cholesterol had jumped alot since December, I thought I better start getting my act together. The doctor gave me a stern talking to...impressing upon me, that with my history, I could end up with heart disease. He also added that if I were 55 or above, he would insist I go on cholesterol lowering medication. I have been given a reprieve and have promised myself I will get my cholesterol down by my next check-up.

Back to clean eating. I happened to come by a magazine about three weeks ago called Clean Eating and it is based on the principles laid our by Tosca Reno in her books. I bought it and made one of the dinners - salad, main course, dessert - from that issue. It turned out great - my husband loved it, my picky son ate everything - it was very successful. I explained the concept behind eating clean and told them that I will do my best to cook clean. It seems to have landed well on them. My youngest son (the picky one) has also embraced clean eating (to some degree) and I've noticed he's eating the salads I serve....I think his compliance might have something to do with his girlfriend and her family...who think it's cool that I'm health conscious...but whatever the reason, I'm happy!

This past week was the first week I went almost entirely without eating anything with chemicals, or refined/processed foods and I survived! I also lost at the scales at Weight Watchers!! Bonus!!

I want to use this blog (my ever evolving blog) as a way to chronicle some of the "lessons" from the Eat-Clean book and Clean Eating magazine.

Eat-Clean Principles (pg. 23, The Eat-Clean Diet)
- eat 5 - 6 small meals every day (I've been eating three meals and two snacks)
- eat every 2 - 3 hours
- combine lean protein and complex carbs at every meal (really, I think this is the secret to this way of eating)
- consume adequate healthy fats each day
- drink at least 2 litres, or 8 cups, of water each day
- never miss a meal, especially breakfast
- carry a cooler loaded with Eat-Clean foods to get through the day (this should be fairly easy for me once I'm back to work, as I usually pack a good lunch...this way it will be organized)
- avoid all over-processed, refined foods, especially white flour and sugar
- avoid chemicals, preservatives, and artificial sugar
- avoid saturated and trans fats
- avoid sugar-loaded colas and juices
- consume adequate healthy fates (EFA's) each day (I'm trying to take supplements, but haven't been consistent)
- avoid alcohol - another form of sugar (this one is tough, especially since I use alcohol when I'm stressed)
- avoid all calorie-dense foods that contain little or no nutritional value (once again, a tough one...because chips, coke and chocolate bars are my stress go-to foods)
- depend on fresh fruits and vegetables for fiber, vitamins and enzymes
- stick to proper portion sizes - give up the super-sizing! (this is the one weakness of the book...Tosca describes portions, on page 39, in terms of palm-size, handfuls, and two-cupped handfuls. My mathematical brain can't relate to the lack of precision here...I guess I could just measure our my own 'handfuls' and work out the weight using a scale)

These are the principles that I am following. So far, it hasn't been arduous, it fits in with what my philosophy of eating is (not the actuality of my eating though) and I think this is something my whole family can adopt with little or not argument. And, I think, it still allows for the odd cheat...at least until I can make the recipes that fulfill the cheat instinct...like the recipe on the colour of Clean Eating July-August issue (http://shopmusclemag.com/product.asp?productid=2028).

Interesting Horoscope

2009-07-26T21:51:00.002-04:00

The following is my horoscope for Saturday, July 25...after my post of Wednesday it was an interesting horoscope to read and understand, through everything, there is a bigger reason that will somehow leave me wiser.

Taurus (April 21 — May 20)
Life has not been easy lately. Well, when has life ever been easy? Challenges don't just follow you around. They track you down even when you change your address. But in the process, you will be wiser and more philosophical.

Wishcasting Wednesday...

2009-07-22T19:47:00.002-04:00

When I first read Jamie’s prompt for Wishcasting Wednesday, “What do you wish to tell the world?” I thought I’d just write what I was feeling.

I wanted to tell the world that everything is hard. That life is a challenge. That there are tests and trials we are put through without a clear reason for them. Life is something that happens to us, that we have no control, and that, no matter how hard you try, bad things will happen. I wanted to tell the world that you can achieve every goal you set, but only after a struggle.

That is what I wanted to write. Then I thought for a minute, maybe this post would be too much of a downer, so I clicked on Mr. Linky to read what other blogger’s had posted. Each one wrote of hope, abundance, opportunity, creativity, and other very positive messages. I didn’t think it appropriate to post what I was feeling…these feelings of sadness and grief.

I’ve been thinking about this all day. Thinking about the depression that I believe has set in again. Thinking about the trials I’m going through and the feelings of hopelessness I have. I shared this morning’s experience with my daughter during our nightly visit with my father, in the hospital. I told her I felt bad posting what I was feeling and she encouraged I post anyway. She said, if it’s how you’re feeling, then why would it be bad? So, here we are, at 7:30 in the evening, and I’m responding to Jamie’s prompt from the depths of my soul.

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-07-15T07:51:00.005-04:00

Last Wednesday we celebrated the opening of Jamie's new webspace and wishcasted success for our creative leader. This week, we turn to back to ourselves with the wishcast prompt...

What do you wish to invite in?

I wish to invite into my soul...

happiness and joy to every new day of my life,

peace to sooth and calm myself,

fearlessness to try new things,

and

God to help me face the challenges of life with strength and dignity.

Learning to post videos

2009-07-09T08:58:00.006-04:00

This morning I started just reading the blogs that I follow and I realized how much I enjoy when bloggers post video. I've tried posting before (not really...'cause I lost patience) and wasn't successful, so I decided today was the day. I've just spent some time reading Blogger Help and am going to upload some video.

Next problem...what video should I upload? Well, that's a no-brainer...belly dancing video of course, more specifically, tribal dance video. The first video is inspiring to me particularly because the dancers have bodies similar to my own -- with a nice big belly!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmwkVudtRzQ
Well...apparently the embed function is disabled on this video...so I'm posting the link...hopefully, it will work.

Upward and onward...lets try my next favourite one of the day.

And SUCCESS!!!

This last video is an old interview with Carolena Nerricio, the Director of Fat Chance Belly Dance (http://www.fcbd.com/) in California, who is credited with developing Tribal Style Belly Dance.

OK...one last, last video...this is a story of Jamila Salimpour, the women credited with bringing belly dancing into the classroom...and developing the language used to teach belly dancing. Thank you Jamila.

Yoga

2009-07-08T20:55:00.004-04:00

The one exercise that will hands-down calm me and centre me is yoga. My favourite DVD/Video is Ali MacGraw's with Erich Schiffmann. It's about an hour long, Erich's voice is soothing and easy to follow. Ali is graceful and the class is composed of young and old participants. There are natural breaks to allow your breath to catch up with you. What's extra inspiring about this particular DVD is that Ali started yoga in her fifties. I've been doing yoga since I was 14...only there have been lapses in my practice. I feel so good right now, I can't even express it...considering an hour ago I felt so lethargic and sad.

I think I have the start of a summer routine...yoga every day. I've checked my gym's class schedule and I can get to at least four yoga classes a went. I also looked at the whole summer and am planning to get off that last 15 pounds by the end of summer. It's entirely doable...I just have to do it! I think I have the beginnings of a good summer plan!

In search of a summer routine

2009-07-07T21:53:00.001-04:00

At the end of every school year educators and educational workers transition into summer mode; only, for me, that transition is not a smooth process. I usually feel like I hit a wall, face first. There is a sense of loss, mourning. The end of a school year. This year, in particular, the end of my time at a particular school. The loss of relationships, friendships. The loss of routine...which I crave.

Summer usually marks a period of disarray for me. The need to find routine, the need to find my place. When the kids were little, I would program our summer activities...create a routine, a summer "normal." You would think after all these years, I would get used to it, but I haven't. Every year is a new challenge; a new summer normal has to be created. This summer marks one year since my father got sick. One year of medical appointments. One year of doctors and hospitals. One year of worry, confusion, and sadness. One whole year. My father is scheduled to be on a tapered course of antibiotics until he’s done on July 24th. Then what?

Today was an especially tough one as I watched Michael Jackson's memorial and was reminded of so many memories from my childhood. Tomorrow I go into work for the morning and then, technically, I’m done until late August. So, why am I not relaxing and enjoying the release from the fast and hectic pace of an urban high school?

It’s summer…and I need a routine.

Ups and downs

2009-07-06T22:32:00.006-04:00

My father's health has been getting better, for the most part, these past few weeks. He was becoming more like himself, until this evening. Since he's been in the hospital, I've visited almost every evening for dinner. If I haven't been able to make it, one of my kids has. Last night, I didn't go and couldn't get one of the kids to go.

When I went to see him this evening, he was quiet. Not quite himself. He started eating and I helped, as always, we were talking but he kept asking if we were home yet. Or, can we go home now. He talked about how quiet the house felt without music. I kept clarifying for him, telling him over and over, we're still in the hospital, it is Monday night and it is whatever o'clock.

I asked him how he was feeling and told him that he seemed off to me. Confused. That that worried me. He said, "what do you expect, I don't know where I am, or what day it is, or how long I've been here, or how much longer I'll be here."

So, really, what can I expect. How would I be in this situation? He's not been home for close to 5 months, he's been in two hospitals, and he's in isolation with no clear delineation of time. This is so heart wrenching hard for me, but really...how is it for him?

He repeated that it was so quiet and that he had no music or anyone to talk to. I told him I had his radio in my car and asked him if he wanted it in his room. He said yes and seemed happy, so I went out to the car and brought it up. I set it up to his favourite radio station and sat and listened with him. He quieted a bit and listened, then started dozing off to sleep. I got up to go which startled him a bit. I told him it was bed time and that I was leaving. He just smiled and said OK and we said our good-nights.

I feel like I pray all the time, and after evenings like this one, I can't stop praying. I want him to be comfortable. I want him to come out of the hospital and live out the rest of his life.

Somebody has to bring up the rear...

2009-07-05T12:57:00.013-04:00

Today was my first ride with the Toronto Bicycling Network. The TBN is a group of people who get together to cycle. There are five different levels - Leisure Wheeler, Easy Roller, Advanced Easy Roller, Tourist, and Advanced Tourist/Sportif. I joined the Leisure Wheeler with my two friends.

We met at a point on the subway line and set off for our ride. Down toward the beach, along the path parallel to the lake and then onto the Don Valley path. There was our leader at the front - Don or Doug (I didn't quite hear his name and I didn't see him once we were riding) and the sweep - Jamie (who I got to know). It was evident, rather quickly, that I would be the last cyclist. At one point, we were so far behind, Jamie asked me if I was OK and, if I was, could I catch up to the group. I told him I was OK and that I could try to catch up, only the likelihood of my succeeding would be slim. Surprisingly, we did catch up...but that was because the group stopped at a light and were waiting for us!!!

I was my witty self, as usual...when talking with Jamie about the different levels, I asked if there was a "Training Wheeler" level...I thought that was hilarious, he didn't - he just responded "this is the lowest level." ;-) There was one hill I had to walk...Jamie very kindly said to me, "There's no shame in walking up a hill." My response was, "I have no shame at all, no shame in walking up a hill, in being last...and, frankly, I see myself as the tortoise not the hare in life." Slow and steady, that's my motto...not really, but my muscles were killing me and I wasn't about to share that (...although they may have figured it out when I popped some Advil).

Toward the end, my friends and I broke off and took the trail that headed home. Overall, it was a lot of fun and I look forward to doing it again. I think their next ride is Tuesday around Hogg's Hollow and I think I'll join them...maybe...

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-07-01T10:25:00.004-04:00

Today, Jaime shared her wish...to launch her new site on a Wishcasting Wednesday...and I wish her success with her launch next Wednesday!

So, in that vein, her prompt for us is

What do you wish to nurture?

I wish to nurture my creativity and spontaneity.

I wish to nurture my body, mind and spirit.

I wish to nurture my family and friends.

I wish to nurture the teachers, staff, and students with whom I work.

And most of all, I wish to nurture myself so I can nurture all those people and things I wish to nurture.

Reflection on the last day at this workplace...

2009-06-30T19:10:00.008-04:00

Well, today was the last day at my current workplace. Although I'm glad to move on, I'm sad to leave. I already miss the people I work with...the relationships that have developed over the past couple of years. I will miss the potential that has not been realized and I will miss what might have been. I cleared my office, erased my hard drive, deleted my phone greeting and messages. I have cleared all evidence of my existence in that office. Sad to say, but that's how it had to be. I look forward...as I always do...to new experiences, new relationships, new potential. As my father says, just keep moving forward.

I managed not to snack too much today...although I did grab some chocolates off someone's desk...I think about 120 calories worth. And I had about 3/4 cup pasta with the chicken I had for dinner. So, I don't think I exploded my carb allocation terribly badly (I calculated about 45 g carbs in total), but we'll see what the scale says tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow's Wishcasting Wednesday and Canada Day. I didn't wishcast last week for a couple of reasons...one - 'cause I didn't connect with the wishcast prompt and second - because I was so busy at work, by the time I looked at the prompt there was no wishcast inspiration.

Back to Belly Dance

2009-06-29T07:27:00.003-04:00

It's been a few months since I've done any regular exercising...which is actually a sad thing to say as I have been consistant for since November 2007. Firstly, losing my trainer really threw me off. I didn't realize how important it was to have her come here and motivate me to exercise. I haven't gone to belly dance classes in the last two sessions...I think May was the last time, in a year, that I went to a session. My shoulders are killing me, I wake up in the morning sore and sluggish. When I was exercising, I was almost symptom-free. So, tonight (even though the this session started last week) I am going back to belly dance...and I'm really happy about it!

Here's a video I found from a dance group in Rome...really excellent!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM43MDAN-8Y&feature=channel

NOTE TO SELF

2009-06-28T10:05:00.004-04:00

When you commit to yourself to start a new weight loss plan, DON'T go to a BBQ party and cruise the buffet table and the dessert table with the intention of just looking BECAUSE you can't just look without trying!!!

...easing into summer

2009-06-27T09:26:00.002-04:00

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I'm hoping my father will be well enough to finally leave the hospital. He's tired and wants to get on with life. Since he's been on the anti-depressants, he seems more like himself. He's talking about going home, about his garden, about things he cares about.

I'm hoping I can pull myself together after the past few years and get on track with both my body and my career. It's really sad that when stress hits, I hit myself - I fill my body with all the crap I try not to eat or drink. I head straight for the chocolate, or the chips and coke, or the bottle of wine, or whatever is in the pantry that doesn't resemble any food found in nature. I've being going to Weight Watchers for so long, yet have not achieved my goal weight. I'm stuck and I'm scared and I have to shake that out of myself.

I decided this morning to give myself a kick-start. I used to use the "10 Pounds in 10 Days" diet in my younger days. It's basically a low-carb diet, egg and grapefruit for breakfast, then selected high protein mixed with low-carb veggies. I really like how I feel when I go on this diet, so I've decided to use that as my kick-starter. Then ease myself back into carb consumption. I am positive I have a limited tolerance for carbs. I find my arthritis hurts and my mind is always fuzzy when I consume carbs...or should I say 'crap' that really isn't food, just bad carbs. I'll continue with Weight Watchers because I like the group meeting...it's like group therapy, only everyone is talking about their mis-adventures with food. I like the two leaders (I alternate meetings) and I enjoy just listening. I don't feel like I'm the only loser who can't get control of her eating habits and continual uses food as a scap-goat.

I also plan on training for the half-marthon walk in the Toronto Marathon. I will be fund-raising for the Diabetes as my son has type-1 diabetes. They are so close to a cure, but still so far away. I hope and pray he can be off insulin by the time he is 30.

All this...PLUS...I plan to keep on creating art!!!

So, these are my big goals....plans....whatever....as I look forward to a summer full of drawing, painting, exercising, and treating myself well. Lofty, maybe. But that's what goals should be... GO BIG OR GO HOME!!! Here's to a great summer!

Oh what a week...

2009-06-27T08:39:00.010-04:00

The last weeks of school are always crazy, crazy. Everyone is either happy or upset about one thing or another. Students are happy about it FINALLY being over but upset about missing their friends over the summer or upset about a mark they think they didn't deserve. Teachers are upset about short timelines, paperwork, and basic wrap-up things they have to do but at the same time they are starting to wind down, looking forward to summer and even looking further forward to September. For me, closing a school is incredibly intense because we are both closing the school and preparing for the opening. There are extemely short deadlines on everything that has to be finished by "year-end". It's go-go-go! It's also the time teachers are starting to relax a bit and feel like talking as human to human...and these are the relationships I wish to nurture.

Teachers work so hard all year long, then there's a wrap-up and boom it's summer and you're off. For me, it takes at least two to three weeks just to gear down and the same amount of time to gear up in August in preparation for school. So, taking time to actually talk to teachers about their craft, their practice, their issues, their dreams benefits all. It's helps the teachers to hone their craft, to consolidate ideas they've had and problems they've encountered to create a great learning experience for their students. It helps teachers to understand issues that go on behind the scenes...stuff that goes on while they are in their classroom, stuff you don't need teachers to worry about, but that need doing. It is an exchange that fulfills that human need to communicate and understand. It's a nice way to end a school year and ease into summer...to feed the collective soul.

The enormity of the Ride to Conquer Cancer

2009-06-23T07:41:00.003-04:00

Last weekend (June 13/14) was the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Because of my personal situation with my dad, I wasn't able to fund raise as hard as last year or even train. I did raise around $2000 ($500 less than what you need to ride) and it me proud to know that I have such great supporters. So, my daughter and I decided to be Crew members - our jobs - to drive the Sweep Vehicle and pick up any riders who were hurt or for some reason couldn't go on.

Well, to say it was gratifying would be an understatement. Last year when we rode, I was overwhelmed with the enormity of the Ride - the number of people participating (2700), the funds raised in total ($14 million), the route of the Ride (through the hills of the Niagara escarpment), and the length of the Ride (200 km in two days). And the fact that I made it (well, almost...I had to be picked up a couple of times)!! All this, to honour my mom and to do something to fit cancer, from which she died.

This year, there were more riders (3400), more money raised ($14.5 million) and a more difficult ride. We were there, as one rider called me, as "guardian angels". Wow! And that's how we felt. We picked up riders that were hurt, that were sick and couldn't go on, we provided water on the terrible hills, we played motivational music - much to the chargrin of the locals, it was fantastic. I also think, in helping in this way, I honoured my mother even more. I supported the Riders, the event, and was part of a relatively small group (300 - as compared to 3400 riders) that ensured the event ran smoothly and safely.

It was beyond terrific...it was enormous in too many ways to write about. My heart felt like that of the Grinch's (only, my heart is already big)...it seemed to grow many sizes over in the course of those two days.

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-06-17T08:41:00.006-04:00

Today Jamie asks us to ponder...

Who or what do you wish to play with?

I wish to play with my friends and family.

I wish to be active.

I wish run and play at the beach.

I wish to relax at my cottage.

I wish to dance with wild abandon.

I wish to listen to music so loud my whole body shakes.

I wish to rollerblade again (once I'm down to a "normal" weight so I don't kill myself).

I wish to cycle up hills and still be able to breath!!

I wish to be active with my friends and family.

I wish to dance

And

To all, I Hope You Dance...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk

Wishcast Wednesday (on Thursday)

2009-06-11T07:04:00.003-04:00

I missed Jamie's Wishcasting yesterday, so I hope it still OK to wishcast today.

This week's Wishcast question was

What do you wish for your body?

That's an easy one for me...

I wish my body to be strong and free of pain. I wish my belly, which has been cut open three times to deliver my wonderful babies (who are not so baby-ish anymore), to be taut and firm. I wish my legs to be strong and my arms not to flip-flop. I wish my shoulders to be straight and back, not hunched and sad. I wish my emotions would stop punishing my body with foods that hurt it. I wish my body to be healthy and a little slimmer. I wish my body to build endurance and not leave me huffing and puffing after a long ride. I love my body and I wish it will carry me into my old age strong and fit.

Few days to Ride to Conquer Cancer

2009-06-08T21:29:00.002-04:00

It's only a few days away...The Ride to Conquer Cancer. I was hoping to ride this year, but the reality is I couldn't fund raise under the present circumstances. But, even still, I raised close to $2000.00. My daughter and I will be part of the Sweep Crew - this means we will be driving one of the vehicles that picks up riders who give us the thumbs down and are unable to complete any leg of the ride. Each team is responsible for decorating their vehicle...we've decided to use a pychedelic theme and call ourselves the CYCLEDELICS. At this point, God willing, I'm playing to ride next year and will start fund-raising this summer with a garage sale or two, and take it from there.

My dad has been fairly well for 6 days. His spirits are lifted. He's trying to eat and thinking of foods I can bring him that he has an appetite for. I am hopeful again, although it scares me to be. My wish is that he feels well enough to go back to the long-term care facility and maybe learn how to get around in a wheelchair. He was hoping to get a prothetic leg, but I'm not sure that is realistic. He has lost a lot of weight and I don't know whether he can get his strength back. His birthday is later this month and I would love to take him out of the hospital for a celebration. I'll keep my fingers crossed and continue praying.

Had a good day for a change

2009-06-05T07:13:00.003-04:00

I had a pretty good day yesterday, I visited my new workplace and it was great. My daughter was able to visit my dad in hospital, so I didn't need to go. She reported he was in good spirits and that was great to hear. I was able to attend my art class and I felt like I was freed when I was drawing. I haven't felt like that in so long. The instructor liked my work and with each pass commented on how well I was doing. (Even at 51 a teacher's positive remarks are still welcome!) I love drawing and I miss it so much.

In terms of exercise, I haven't been able to fit it in at all. I think I'm going to re-enroll in belly-dance. I had fun and it kept me moving. I've been having more arthritic pain, which I didn't have while I was exercising regularly. What I have done well this week is stick to my eating plan and not binging on snacks or refined carbs. We'll see what the WW scales say tomorrow.

Today is Friday and it's really welcomed!!! TGIF

Wishcasting well wishes

2009-06-03T18:52:00.003-04:00

Wishcasting Wednesday, that Jamie has going, is really something else. I made my wish this morning and a bunch of wonderful people responded with their well-wishes and miraculously (or not) my father seemed so much brighter tonight when I visited.

Over the weekend, he was quite down and insistent on me arranging a haircut for him in preparation for the inevitable. I resisted, telling him he wasn't going anywhere, but that I'd order a hair cut just to freshen him up. The hairdresser made it today and he got his cut (a crew cut, which is strangely funny because my father has always had a " '50's haircut"). He was eating on his own, and, with some help from me, ate a good portion of his food, not everything, but he did not refuse, which has been the norm as of late.

I decided to shampoo him since he was in such good spirits so I bundled him at the neck with towels and shampooed and rinsed his hair. He asked for a second lather/rinse, which I did and by the end of it he was laughing with joy. So, I carried on with the "spa treatment", shaved him, washed his hands, cut his nails and got the nurse to change his sheets and gown. He was smiling and laughing, asking me if I still wanted him around. "Are you kidding?!!? Of course I do!"

All in all it was a nice visit, one that I haven't had in a long time. I think either the anti-depressants are kicking in or God heard all the well-wishes and made him feel better. I like to believe the later. Thank you.

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-06-03T07:16:00.003-04:00

Today's wish question is:

What is your wish for June?

My wish for June is for my father to get strong enough to leave the hospital and get on with his new life as an amputee. My wish is for my father to be enlighten that this is not the end of the rope and that he can continue to live a full life, even though it might not the same life he had before his leg was amputated.

I wish my father would start eating again, regardless of whether he thinks hospital food is good or not, but that he will see how important it is to eat in the journey back to health. I wish he will live to see his 84th birthday on June 24th. And I wish for the strength to be there for him without losing myself completely, as I feel parts of me have chipped away and fallen by the wayside.

I wish health for my father and peace for myself.

The toll of stress

2009-06-02T08:51:00.003-04:00

The past few days have just been incredibly stressful. My father's emotions are swinging from one end to the other. On Sunday, he was so down, asking to have his hair cut in preparation for his passing. By all medical accounts, he is stable and should be doing well. His emotional well-being though is not well. They started him on anti-depressants which (I hope) will be kicking in soon. As his emotions flucuate, so do mine. As a result, I am exhausted both physically and mentally to the point that I opted out of going to work this morning so I could start the day off slowly. I will be going to the hospital to see him, run some errands, and then off to work. This morning, I was able to wrap up a report that I've been trying to get to for 4 days but, because of the busy-ness at work, have not been able to complete it. The announcement of my move to a new building was made public and I am so very happy about that. Now when things are rough at work, I think about the new beginning in September and can get through my day.

My weight has been flucuating as badly as my emotions. I am retaining water like a sponge. I start the day off with the intentions to stick to my eating and exercise plan, then by the end of the day, I'm off the rails. I suspose I should focus on actually getting through the day and not beat myself up when I don't honour myself by eating properly and exercising. I think I have to preserve what mental well-being I have left to help me get through the next few months. I am trying to remain positive through all this, with the hope my father will get stronger.

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-05-27T07:26:00.003-04:00

This week Jamie asks us to consider...

What's frivolous treat do you wish for?

That's an easy one for me this week. There is a diamond semi-eternity band I would like as a gift for our 25th wedding anniversary.

Back on the wagon

2009-05-26T07:17:00.007-04:00

After four straight days of integrating exercise back into my day, I feel I can say I am back on the exercise wagon. The frustrating part is the water retention I get whenever I start exercising after a period of not exercising. The good part of feeling and understanding this frustration is that this time I am not giving up and stuffing my face with my comfort foods - chocolate, chips, and pop.

I will get to my goal weight. I will do it by the end of this summer. And I will do it by eating well and exercising!

10:00 pm (update) Today seems to be never-ending with problems - upset kids, upset teachers, upset parents. Went to the BBQ, I thought I ate OK, but by the time I got home I had both a headache and feeling of bloatedness. Got on the scale (which was a stupid thing to do) and weighed 165!! So...the good news is, rather than continue eating, I went downstairs and cleared out some old paperwork. I'm still craving something but I think I'll have some tea and then head to bed.

WW Saturday

2009-05-23T10:28:00.002-04:00

Went to a different meeting this morning so I could meet up with my friend. This group was very lively and the leader was really perky...perky in a good way, not in an annoying way. I weighed in and was down 0.4 lb from last week. This is good, although on my scale I was down 1.0 lbs, so I have to think about which weight I'll be recording in my little tracker at the top of this blog.

I always leave the WW meetings feeling so inspired...but then by about Tuesday it all peters out. I think having my weight loss journey "out there" as opposed to secretly tucked away in my kitchen table drawer, might be an excellent motivator for me to stay on track.

Today I was hoping to get a bunch of errands done, in addition to seeing my dad at lunch and dinner. He seems to be a bit better and I say this cautiously. He's out of isolation and now has a roommate, which I know he likes. They've put him on an anti-depressant to deal with the downward spiraling emotional state and he's laughing -- laughing almost too much, but it's better than the constant crying.

As I am committing to taking care of myself, I promise to fit in cardio again today and really work on get a rhythm back to re-integrate strength training because it was when I was doing regular strength training with the trainer that I was really losing weight. It's been since she left that I've done none and the weight's come back on.

Belly Dance

2009-05-21T23:31:00.004-04:00

I'm really missing the belly dancing classes I'd been taking for about a year now and was watching some belly dances on YouTube when I came across some tribal-style belly dancing videos. This one is especially nice because I have the CD with the Bulgarian singers. The music is terrific, the dancing along with it make it a mesmerizing video to watch.

Slavyansky tribal belly dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIO0hSRqzCE&feature=related

p.s., if anyone knows how to upload a video from YouTube to Blogger could you please let me know...thanks!

Wishes

2009-05-21T22:38:00.003-04:00

What a wonderful day yesterday was! Starting with the wishcasting and the lovely return wishes! The day went pretty well, I visited my father and he seemed like his old self - he's been up and down the past month. The hospital has given him some medication to deal with his emotional health. Looks like he'll be out of isolation soon, he's beat the c-dif and hopefully won't get it again. My wish for him is that he returns to the rehab hospital and continues working toward getting a prosthetic leg.

Work was terrific...mostly because I worked offsite! Started my day relaxed, got a lot of work done - it's amazing how much you can get done when no one bothers you! And at the end of the day, I got the good news that I've been praying and WISHING for!

Thank you, fellow wishcasters, maybe wishes do come true!

Today, I stuck to my diet mostly...and I found I wasn't craving anything. I was down a pound this morning, but the real weigh in that counts is the one at WW. I haven't fit in exercise this week, except for what I did on the weekend, so I have to get shaking with that. Speaking of shaking, I totally miss taking belly-dancing. I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to fit it back it. I just loved those classes.

Tonight, I was at my drawing class...I also come back from that class feeling so peaceful. Three hours of uninterrupted drawing, what a pleasure!! I need to practice more...I did better my first week, in that I drew everyday. Well...add that to my "to do" list too...

:-)

Wishcasting Wednesday

2009-05-20T07:52:00.006-04:00

This week Jamie @ Starshyne Productions has us ask ourselves:

What is your highest self wishing for?

What's rumbling in your soul?

What is your highest self wishing for?
My wish for myself is to be understanding. To quash the angry feelings I have as a result of past mistakes. To be kinder to myself in order to help repair my emotional scars. To be kinder to myself by finding ways to work through the stresses in my life and find positive ways to express stress rather than stuffing my mouth with junk food.

What's rumbling in your soul?
The desire to live a creative life. The desire to treat my body as a temple and feed it good food and keep it moving. The desire to love myself, as I love my family, and forgive myself once and for all. The desire to stop judging myself and, in turn, be kind to my soul.

Wishcasting

2009-05-17T09:47:00.004-04:00

It's Sunday morning and I was just perusing some of the blogs I follow. I've decided to join Jamie's Starshyne Wishcasting Wednesday (even though I'm starting on Sunday, I think this is a good exercise for me).

Who do you wish to connect to?

I wish to connect with me. The 'me' who was more carefree than the one I know now. The 'me' who had pride in herself and didn't punish her body for every little thing she deems as a "failure" - this 'me' hasn't been around for a long, long time.

I wish to connect with me who believed she could do anything. I think I'm meeting up with her now, as I am trying the things I've wanted to do in my lifetime.

I wish to connect with me and be happy.

WW Saturdays

2009-05-16T09:38:00.000-04:00

Saturdays are my weigh in day at Weight Watchers. Today I was a hefty 162.4, up from last week. I have been so inspired by Helen - Biggest Loser winner this season. She's about my age, married with two kids, and she looks phenomenal!

The Biggest Loser diet is a pyramid of 4-3-2-1 (four servings of fruits and veggies; three of lean protein; two of whole grains; and one "extra") paired with exercise. Well, I've dropped the exercise altogether due to the increase in stress. I'm trying to stick to eating actual food, as opposed to processed or refined foods. Mostly protein and veggies with no or very little carbs from refined carbs...like a high-protein diet, but with complex carbs. Why is this not working? Well, could be from the candy dish that is in a colleagues office...that whenever I'm stressed, I find myself there and grabbing a bunch of candy!!! This week she had tootsie rolls, which I love!!! Also, I only got to the gym once and did no exercise at home. So, was I surprised by the weight increase...no, not really! Mostly disappointed...in myself.

This week I promise I will not eat when I'm upset and I will stop snacking. For exercise, I will get to the gym at least twice and try to do either a pilates or yoga dvd. Plus I've got my drawing class for soothing my soul (I still have to figure out how to upload the artwork without a scanner).

Thursday May 14, 2009

2009-05-14T21:54:00.005-04:00

Just got back from my drawing course. What a great experience. It turns out, a friend of mine as original painting she bought years back, from the artist-instructor for my course! What a small world...I've admired that painting for years and here I am learning from the artist himself. Tonight we were working from a live model. I forgot how tiring drawing for three hours can be!

Before going to class, I dropped by the hospital to visit my father. He was sitting up, which hasn't happened for about a month. I'm feeling hopeful. He's a two bouts with c-difficile - which is a highly contagious bacterial infection people get in hospitals. The first time he got it, he was sent from the rehab hospital to emerg in our local hospital. It turned out he had also had a heart attack. Things just seemed to spin out of control within a very short period of time. Since then, he's been in isolation, which is really, really difficult on him. I was sharing the visiting with my daughter, but she's started her work term and isn't available to visit him...so, it's up to me to visit every night. I get there around 5 or 5:30 and sit with him until his dinner arrives, then I feed him, wash his hands, face and teeth, and get him ready for sleep, then I go home. So my life right now is work-hospital-home-sleep, work-hospital-home-sleep, and so on.

The differences from nurse to nurse is amazing. One time I got there after the food arrived. When I walked into the room, after getting dressed in the isolation gear you have to put on, there was a nurse standing beside his bed with one hand on her hip, the other hand holding a spoon of food in front of my father, and my father's face covered in food. I could not believe my eyes. I quickly dismissed her. Cleaned him up, fed him. Got him ready for bed. Then went straight to complain. Since then, I have not missed a dinner, and haven't seen anything so dispassionate again. Now...I'm hoping and praying the meals (breakfast and lunch) that the nurses DO feed him, go a bit better than what I witnessed.

It sucks being an only child, the responsibility and burden is incredible. Trying to care for a parent, as well as caring for your family...and trying to squeeze out time for yourself is an almost impossible task. I'm not doing anything well and I feel bad all the time. That's why I abandoned all the exercise and "fun" stuff I did. BUT, with this drawing course, I'm trying to get myself back on track and try to care for myself too.

Wednesday May 13, 2009

2009-05-13T16:55:00.004-04:00

This past week, I turned 51!! Wow...and I'm still smiling (mostly). When I turned 50 I made a promise to myself to do the things I've always wanted to do and the last thing I was able to squeak into my 50th year, was the start my Fine Art Certificate at a local college!! So, my dream of studying art is finally rolling and I'm really happy about it. As far as celebration, didn't do too much of that as my father is still in hospital and I spent the evening with him. But, my youngest son DID pass all his courses of his second semester in university - after a rough start in first semester. My nephew dropped by and shared with us he got accepted into the university programs he applied to - after a really rough finish to high school, with our support, he was able to pull himself together and finish high school. He came over because he wanted to share the joy with the people that helped him and it was significant that he got the acceptances on my birthday. Not typical gifts by any description, but made me extremely happy nevertheless!

I'm still working on my weight...have been having a rough go of it. Was doing really well, got down to 155, but am back up to 162. My other blog was meant to follow my weight management quest, but I've sort of abandoned everything and am now trying to get back to writing - it's very theraputic for me, a really good release. I'm so thrilled with this past season of Biggest Loser - Helen, a 48 year old mother of three, won! She looked terrific - what a great role-model for me. I keep thinking, "Oh I'm getting older...it's OK if I'm a little heavy." But, it's not...I don't feel good...so, I'm getting back to exercising which I've also abandoned in the last couple of months.

If I can get my scanner to work, I'll post some of the drawings I've done in my college class. I love drawing and am looking forward to this experience.

I'm sending lots of love to the universe!

March 21, 2009

2009-03-21T08:05:00.004-04:00

My father had his surgery February 17th. His leg, above the knee, was amputated. The week to ten days following the surgery was very difficult. He was on morphine and quite loopy. It wasn't my father in that bed and it was quite disconcerting for me. I asked the hospital staff to change his pain medication to something less strong as my father has not been someone who used a lot of pain medication before. He came around to himself and is on the mend. From the hospital, they have moved him to a rehabilitation hospital where he is getting some support for building up his body to allow him to manage himself. It's not going too fast as he's been resisting. My hubby came with me to visit one day and expressed how important the physiotherapy was to my father's healing. He bought into that and the next day was participating in the physio class.

The problem I am having, as I was having at the other hospital too, is communication. While at the first hospital the nursing staff, doctors, and social workers would be asking my father to make decisions, or give opinion, etc. Well, he didn't know what they were talking about and he would give simple 'yes', 'no' answeres. When I told them it was important I be involved as he was BLIND and HARD OF HEARING - it was as if I dropped a rock on their heads. I had made sure that information was everywhere....I made sure my numbers were EVERYWHERE. Yet, in the end, no one had any idea. DON'T YOU PEOPLE READ THE PATIENT'S CHART???? Anyway, same thing here. I have let them know I am not appreciative of the lack of communication.

Things are getting better. Spring is here. It's been sunny this past week. And my dad seems to be doing better. Time heals....and I need to have the patience to let that time pass.

Secret 8: Selecting Empowering Partnerships & Alliances

2009-02-27T06:32:00.005-05:00

Although I have not been able to travel this journey with you all this time, I have been following some of your journeys. I felt compelled to write this morning as I am one of the hardest journey's of my own. My father has been ill and has been in hospital now for about two weeks. I have been going to see him to help him eat, etc. before work when he wakes and after work until he goes to sleep.

What I have found in this experience is that empowering partnerships and alliances sometimes develop without our intent. In my father's room is another older gentleman and staying with him is his daughter. We have formed a bond that I didn't expect and am quite grateful for. She has become my rock in dealing with my father. She has given me strength, hope and courage. And although this is not a creative alliance, for now, this is what I need.

I hope to rejoin you on your creative journey through the 12 Secrets, but right now I am on a different path.

Peace and love to everyone and thank you to Jamie creating such a great forum for meeting of like souls.

A visit from Nela*

2009-02-13T17:50:00.004-05:00

Once again...when I am feeling so low, a student I have worked with drops by for a visit. I was thinking of Nela* for some time. When she came to my school she was a grade 10 student full of fire. A bright young girl who could easily have taken the wrong path. My mission was to keep her on track with school and extra-curriculars that kept her out of trouble. A young girl with a troubled past, emotional at times and, even, inconsolable. On Wednesday, I would describe myself as inconsolable. It was the day before my father's pre-op appointments at the hospital in preparation for his amputation. I got to work and thought I would look up the school Nela* had gone to and call the administrator to find out how she was doing. I had come in to work thinking I would look him up other times but this particular day, I really needed to hear good news...at least, that's what I was hoping to hear.

Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.

After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.

Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.

(*not her real name)

Upcoming surgery

2009-02-13T17:10:00.003-05:00

Well, that's it...we're here. My father will have his leg amputated next week. What a trial all this has been. This week, in particular, has been very difficult. It seems every time we have a really bad week, you can't imagine it get worse...and then it does! We booked the surgery as a below-the-knee amputation, then this Wednesday the surgeon called me at work. He asked me if I had any questions, I said no, then after an awkward pause, I told him what I understood the plan to be with respect to the upcoming pre-surgical appointment and then the surgery date and procedure. That's when he said, "ya, about that..." He went on to say he had had a chance to read over my father's file and felt that a below-the-knee amputation might not heal properly due to the vascular condition. That there may not be enough circulation below the knee to heal properly and he felt an above-the-knee would be a better choice to avoid a second surgically procedure. I explained, that the hope of a prosthetic leg was what was keeping my father going and I couldn't guess how he would take this news, but also, that I would relay the new information to my father.

The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.

By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.

I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.

So much pain...

2009-02-08T21:36:00.005-05:00

The date is booked and we are all grieving. My father and I met with Dr. W of TEGH - an orthopedic surgeon - who will be doing the surgery. He explained the surgery and the risks. Because of my father's lack of circulation, the below the knee amputation is not looking promising, but it is the surgery they will be doing in order for my father to be fitted with a prosthesis. If it does not heal, they will "revise" the surgery - meaning, they will have a second surgery and cut above the knee. It's funny...(not ha-ha funny) but as I sit here typing it I'm numb. I've have to come to terms with this in the last couple of weeks and am just numb. At work, I have tried to get everything done in case the inevitable occurs. I've done all the work I can for Feb and March.

I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.

Difficult times

2009-02-08T21:22:00.005-05:00

Although I try to keep this blog focused on creative endeavours...aside from cooking and baking, the creative endeavours have been limited. My father is quite ill and I have been taking care of him. Running to doctors and various hospitals in order to try and save his leg, which, unfortunately will be amputated in a week. My father has had type 2 diabetes for about 40 years and he's never managed it well. Always a very stubborn man, he would never listen to advice from his only child - me! And, now, here we are. It is because of him, I am determined to try and be as healthy as I can be so my children don't have to go through what I am going through. Caring for an elderly parent is extremely difficult as your attentions are divided between children, spouse, work, home, and (if you can squeeze it in) self.

The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.

I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?

Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"

Don't understand what this all means...

2009-01-23T22:50:00.004-05:00

I had a very interesting day today. It's been a rough week, in terms of caring for my father and get a handle on long-term care facilities and trying to navigate that maze.

Today, my mission was to get in touch with one of the long-term care facilities that would be cultural familiar for my father. After a week of being stone-walled, I thought I would start my day by trying to get through one more time. I phoned first thing in the morning. The young man was very friendly and kind, as I explained the difficulty I was having reaching the administrator in order to arrange a tour. He was understanding and apologetic and asked me my name, promising he would pass on the info to the administrator personally. I gave him my first name and started spelling my last...when he interrupted me and said "Miss, don't you recognize my voice. It's George!" And I did!! George was a former student of mine. I thought it sounded like him (he had a very distinct voice) but thought "what are the odds!" He assured me the home was a good one, but that reaching the administration was sometimes difficult. He said he'd pass on my info and get the administrator to call me. Which she did, 10 minutes later.

After an unproductive conversation with this 'administrator', I had planned on seeing my father to sign the application to enter a long-term care facility...but before I did that, I decided to go to a yoga class to try to relax. It's been a terribly stressful time, and I have not been exercising at all - and my stress is coming up in angry outbursts.

As I walk in to the gym, one of the young guys that work sales there, steps in front of me and says "Miss, I don't know if you remember me. My name is David S..." And I did!!! Wow! Two former students in one morning! He told me was he was up to and how he was doing. He seemed happy to see me and happy to share his success. What a high! I was so happy for him AND happy that he spoke to me!

So, up to the yoga class I go, and in walks a young woman who looks very familiar, but I couldn't place her. The instructor came in soon after and class was an intense 75 minutes of yoga. After the class, the young woman walks over to me and I recognized her (couldn't remember her name) and she said "Miss P, do you remember me?" Once again, I did!!! She told me her name and what she was up to and that she had just inquired at my old school for my info. She was going to contact me for a reference, how timely was today's meeting. I assured her she could use me as a reference and off we went.

When I got to the bank, to pay some bills for my father, I saw another former student...only we were both in seperate lines and didn't get a chance to talk.

I can't understand why all this happened, all in one day...all students I had worried about...all students who had a number of challenges in high school when I knew them...and all happy to share their success with me. It made my day....all I could think about was how fortunate I have been in my life to have taught wonderful young people. I wish they could know how much I've actually cared about their well-being and how I've prayed they found success.

After all this, I went to my dad's and had him sign the papers. He understands he may not be returning to his home after his surgery, but I tried to be hopeful telling him that if he got better, he might be able to come home. I have to hold that hope for him...and for myself. He was very tearful. I try to be strong for him and hide my grief so I cry in the car a lot when I'm driving from his home. I'm thankful for a lot in my life but I'm in so much pain right now, that I can't appreciate them.

What a week!

2009-01-23T22:41:00.003-05:00

What a week it's been. Starting with my father refusing the hyperbaric treatment to ending with my father signing the long-term care application. And, in between, a whirlwind of events. After talking with Dr. D on Monday, he suggested I proceed with organizing the application for long-term care. I prepared the paperwork, but wanted to go look at the homes before I ranked the homes I was interested in. What a nightmare. I decided to go to the one I really think would be best for my father, and it was tough. Seeing the residents, many non-verbal and immobile, was really difficult. The coordinator assured me there was cognitive residents and that they would arrange it so my father would meet with them and he would have friends there.

The second home I tried to see, I couldn't. Why? Cause the administration was terrible - after not receiving any replies to my voicemail, I thought I would just drop in. Well, I stood at the counter as the receptionist conversed on the phone -- clearly a personal call. She didn't even pause when I walked up to the desk. Just chit-chatted away, as I stood clearing my throat, hoping she'd get the drift and get off the phone. Once off, she was just as helpful - NOT! Totally pointless waste of my time. Like a miracle, this morning when I call again, the person who answered the phone, turned out to be a former student of mine and he promised to personally pass on my message. The administrator called me back in 10 minutes! Interesting. Still, I can't go see the place until next week.

The third place, which is well-known and well-respected, has organized tours and I'll be seeing that in a couple of weeks.

Such an important date in history - what an inspiration!

2009-01-20T13:15:00.000-05:00

I am not one who is big on politics or up on world events. I have never had a great love of history or current events. I would say I have always had an "awareness" of what is going on, what has gone on, and hopeful about what might be.

What I have had the privilege of living through and remembering are a number of significant events in the past 50 years - President Kennedy's inauguration and assassination; Rev. Martin Luther King's impact on Civil Rights and his assassination; the landing of the first person on the moon; the devastating Colombia space shuttle explosion; September 11th, 2001; and today - the inauguration of President Obama. These are all days/dates that I remember exactly where I was and still feel the impressions left on me and their impact in my life.

What an amazing day! What a great speaker and writer! What an inspiring speech! I wish President Obama all the best and his family strength and courage to fulfil their new role.

I encouraged my children to try to get to a TV to watch this important event. I reminded them that this will be one of the days that they will remember when they are older. I reminded them that their grandparents came to Canada in hopes of a better life. I reminded them that their grandparents worked in sweat shops and diner kitchens to build a life, own a home, educate their child. In turn, their hard work for the lives of my children, their grandchildre. The expectations I have for them is that they honour their heritage and the sacrifices of their grandparents. I also reminded them that President Obama has repeated re-iterated what we have always said to our children - 'You can do anything you want, anything you set your mind too, and that nothing is too big to overcome.'

In this week of 12 Secrets - we look to our inspiration. In today's historic event I have my inspiration. I can do anything. Nothing is too big to overcome.

Refusing treatment

2009-01-19T11:58:00.002-05:00

I woke up this morning prepared to take my father to TGH for his hyperbaric treatment. When I called him to tell him I was on my way he said he wasn't going. He said he was thinking about it all night and does not want to continue the treatment. It was too hard for him to go everymorning. I suggested getting a later appointment and he answered flat out "NO. I don't want to." I told him the consequences of not recieving this therapy and he said he didn't care. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. He seemed apprehensive on Friday, repeatedly asking me if he had to do this for 5 weeks. The fact that the weather is absolutely horrific, even for Canada, isn't helping much. It's so difficult to get around.

After I spoke with him, I phoned Dr. D at TEGH and have made an appointment with Dr. O, my father's family doctor - in order to sign the application papers for long-term care. Thursday we see Dr. D and then plan next steps. I feel numb, not sure our future. Not sure of too much right now.

Secret 2 - Honouring your Inspirations

2009-01-18T10:49:00.004-05:00

Challenge: Creative Style Inventory

1. When did your creative awakening or reawakening occur?

It never went to sleep.

2. What talents do you have, naturally?

Humour. I'm an optimistic pessimist. I love sewing - any crafts using needlework really. I love painting (though I have to fight the negative self-talk).

3. Which elements (fire, water, wood, air) draw you toward them?

I think air and water.

4. Where and when do you create? Where and when do you wish to create?

5. What activates your creative energy, and what drains it?

6. Do you use creative rituals? Which ones? If not, invent some.

7. Does nature influence your creativity? How?

8. What has been your greatest creative hurdle so far?

9. What time of day are you most receptive to inspiration?

12 Secrets - Chapter 1 - Acknowledging Your Creative Self

2009-01-18T10:05:00.000-05:00

My earliest memories of considering my own future were from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I would pretend I was a math professor. Why? Probably because my father kept calling my his little "professor". I knew enough that a professor was a teacher, so that's what a lot of my pretend play was....that and dreams of being a fashion designer. My mother was a seamstress and worked as a home-sewer. She would get big boxes of apron-pieces delivered to our home and sew them for pay by piecework. I was about 4 when she taught me to sew. We sat at her industrial sewing machine with me in her lap and, while she worked the foot pedal, I fed the fabric through the presser foot. I remember how thrilling it was to take two pieces of fabric and make one thing out them! My mother sewed all my Barbie clothes until I was able to sew my own. My mother told me that the first time she realized I was sewing on my own was when she noticed a button crudely sewn on to my sweater. The button was crudely sewn on with different coloured thread. She asked my father if he had sewn it on, and he said he hadn't, that's when she realized I had done it - I was in kindergarten.

I have such wonderful memories sewing. As a teenager, I made my formal clothes - dresses for weddings, dances, and other similar events. As a working woman in my twenties, I made many of my work wear - suits, skirts, pants, shirts. When I was pregnant, I made many of my maternity wear and when I had my kids, I sewed their play clothes, coats, Sunday clothes, etc. I also enjoy quilt-making, applique, embroidery and needlepoint. My mother taught me to knit when I was about 8 and my aunt taught me to crochet and I have been enjoying both since.

In school, I loved art and started to show real promise by grade 7. I was particularly interested in portraiture and did many detailed portraits, in pencil, of celebrities I was "in crush" with. Unfortunately, I have none of the art from those years as my art teacher kept them for her portfolio. Little did I know what they would mean to me in my later years. I do have my sketch book from my senior year in high school, but everything before that was thrown out (my mom was a bit of a clean freak). I loved drawing! In grade 13, I was focused on going to art school to become a commercial artist. My parents did not support this idea, as they did not see a future - meaning, how would I make money to support myself? This didn't bother me as much as one of my art teacher's comments (which would prove to be the negative voice I still hear in the back of my mind) - she said "Lillian, you couldn't be a commercial artist because you are not confident enough." I wasn't but hearing it from a person in authority sealed the deal for me. I was so devastated.

Since then, I have not stopped creating - through needle-crafts, writing, living, and exploring - but every time I think about living a more fully creative life, I stop. I have enjoyed the journey of Soul Coaching and looked forward to 12 Secrets, but as I was reading Chapter 1 and reflecting on my own life - challenges and successes, I kept thinking "how can I change my life when I have all these responsibilities and commitments?" It's almost like staring at a blank canvas.

Like many of you, I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed at 32 and have been living a full-life by focusing on my nutrition and exercise - truly the only things that have really helped me (as medications were a real fiasco). I am 50 years old and I am still pursuing a dream...isn't it too late? Shouldn't I just forget about it and honour all the gifts that I have been given? Can I live with that deep sadness about never have pursued my passion? Is it even still my passion? And the most important question, what if I figure it all out and still can't actually DO anything about it?!?!

This past week...

2009-01-18T09:44:00.003-05:00

everything moved very rapidly from Monday to Friday. I had planned on taking next week of for a couple of reasons - one to complete the Cognitive Coaching Workshop (which is two days) and secondly to accompany my father to his doctor's appointment without worrying about rushing back to work. As it turns out, that is not exactly what I will be doing.

This past Tuesday, when I checked my voicemail at work (didn't get one minute on Monday to check messages), there was a message from the doctor at the Hyperbaric Medicine unit at TGH. He said he had an open slot for my father and wanted to start right away. I didn't return the call, as I was paralyzed with the thought of figuring out what to do. I called Dr. D at TEGH, and left him a message questioning whether we were going to proceed with hyperbaric treatment or not. Dr. D called Wednesday, indicating that the results of December's test were positive and that he recommended we schedule the appointment and start therapy. Wednesday, when I got in touch with Dr. E at TGH, he asked we come in the next day. I told him that it would not work for me as I had a number of work commitments, plus that I want him and Dr. D to actually TALK to one another before I would agree to take my father to any therapy. They spoke and later that day, we had scheduled my father for his first treatment on Friday morning. On Thursday, when we were confirming the appointment Dr. E suggested an addition consult with Dr. C at St.M's Hospital (this is the vascular surgeon) to look at the feasibility of vascular bypass. The appointment was scheduled for Friday after the treatment.

Friday at 7:00, I picked up my father and off we went to TGH. When we arrived, we were directed to change into the clothing they provide that is "tank safe" and my father entered the hyperbaric chamber for about 2 hours. After that, we cabbed over to St. Mike's and met with Dr. C (who has to be one of the biggest "downers" I have ever met). Dr. C is well respected (so I'm told) in his field, but bed-side manner is greatly lacking. He went on to say, basically, that he didn't think the hyperbaric treatment would help my father and that all doctor's have biases toward their area of speciality. Well, I guess you have to be a door knob not to know they have biases...DA! I expressed to him that I knew this fact but that, unfortunately, these doctor's were all I had in terms of opinion with which I could make a decision. As it stands, I am the sole decision matter, as my father as left it to me. Without siblings, the best I get from those around me who care about me is "it's really up to you Lillian...I don't know what to say." And what can people say, it's such an awful decision - to amputate and face an unknown future or to not amputate and die. This is what I have to decide for my father.

So, for now we are continuing with hyperbaric, but all that might change again on Monday, I don't know. My father said he got a call from TEGH, from Dr. D's colleague, saying my father should come in and get his intravenous pack removed. My father has had a portable intravenous antibiotics pack since August, and my understanding was it was staying until the hyperbaric treatment was over or until the amputation. Since the hyperbaric treatment has just begun and the amputation has not been planned...I don't know why he would call and say that!? We'll have to see on Monday. I'm hoping my father mis-heard him but don't know. I'm hoping and praying for the best but preparing for the worst.

New year...new prayers

2009-01-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

Well...it's been a few weeks since I last posted. I couldn't even bring myself to think about the week that just passed. This past Thursday was my father's appointment with Dr. D - his primary specialist. Before Christmas we had met with Dr. E and my father was tested in the hyperbaric tank. The doctor gave me cautiously positive news and said he would forward communication to Dr. D of the results. When we met with Dr. D this week, he admitted he did not have time to go through his mail and had not reviewed the notes from Dr. E. Therefore, could not comment on the course of treatment. He did say, we will likely proceed with a below the knew amputation and that he would be in contact with me once he reads the letter from Dr. E.

My father immediately broke down when he heard this. He tried as best as he could to control his tears, but pulled his hat down past his eyes and started crying. This just broke my heart. He looked like a little boy trying to cover his face from his mom. Only, this was my father and I know he was trying to hide his vulnerability from me, his daughter, to whom he has always been the strong one. I sat with him and told him that ultimately it would be better for him. That he would not have to wear the IV pack anymore. And that he would be taught to walk with a prosthetic and able to try to get back to a normal life.

I don't know what the future holds...no one does, I know. But I continue to pray for strength for both of us, so we can face this trial.

My five-a-day

2008-12-26T20:04:00.004-05:00

Serena tagged me in a meme called “five-a-day” which was started to encourage mental well-being.

Here are my top five things to do every day (or, at least, several times a week) to stay mentally healthy:

exercise - since last November when I hired a personal trainer, I made the committment to somehow honour my physical self by exercising - whether it's a workout, yoga, or through belly dance, I try to do some physical exercise several times a week, if not everyday

read - it's seems strange to consider reading a luxury, but that's what it is to me. I spend my day reading work-related material, and when I get home I hardly have time to sit, so I try hard to read every night before I fall asleep - although, many times I fall asleep AS I read

pray - it's the only way I can get through life

eat healthily - self-explanatory - when I don't eat healthily my fibromyalgia flairs up as does the arthritis

laugh - along with prayer...I need to laugh, such a release

I tag:

Genie Sea

Caroline

miss*R

Claudia

You!

Season's Greetings!

2008-12-24T10:03:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Driving with my son

2008-12-13T19:59:00.004-05:00

We drove out to Oshawa to drop off my older son and on the drive back home there was something on the radio about a lottery jackpot and I said to my son "imagine having all that money." And the conversation that followed that comment went along like this...

He said, "Ya...I think if you had a lot of money you would be what they call a philanthropist"
and he went on to talk about how if he won money he would spend it on himself (typical teenager).

I asked, "What a sec...what do you mean philanthropist?"

He answered, "Well, a philanthropist is someone who helps people. And that's what you do, you help people. I think if you had money you would use it to help people."

I answered...well...I didn't answer...I was dumbfounded.

Insightful? I think so...I didn't even think my kids were paying attention to anything I do, for that matter, anything outside the centre of their universe - themselves. (lol) Wow...I need to figure out what to do with this.

Today

2008-12-13T11:07:00.005-05:00

I went to Weight Watchers today and gained a bit. Although, I'm down close to 20 pounds in total, the up-down-up-down at the scales gets to me sometimes. Today, it was magnified because there was someone at the meeting who I've met in a different context and wasn't terribly impressed by. Problem is, I needed to be cheery, since I know them in a professional context...rather, than screaming and running away - which I what my soul wanted to do!

The last month has been difficult to stay on track with my workout routine my trainer prepared - partly because she has been going through something and had to cancel a couple of our workouts...also, partly due to caring for my dad - that's been a huge drain...and, partly, due to the fact the weather is crappy, there is no sun, and work is crazy busy. On the plus side, I have ONLY gained 1.2 pounds this week (could've been worse!)...I am using the membership at Extreme Fitness that my son didn't want anymore (mostly for yoga, but I'm GOING!). Sooo...I guess, the net result is good because I haven't stop exercising all together and haven't thrown every piece of chocolate, or cookie, or cake, or candy, or any other food that starts with 'c' into my mouth!!

I've been trying to finish the "Soul Coaching" book and have been spending a couple of days per "Soul Coaching day"...today is the day where I have to craft a mission for my soul. I read the book last night, and it talked about listening to things throughout the day. One thing I heard myself say yesterday, and I actually say quite frequently when I'm working with kids is that...my mission is to make sure the students that I work with succeed - and succeed in the sense that they get through school, pass all their courses, get to graduation, and get on with their lives...succeed in drafting a plan for their future - not necessarily what they'll be doing when they're 50, but the near future "what do you want to do right out of high school? in 5 years?" These are questions kids can answer without feeling overwhelmed that they are making some massive decision that they can never deviate from. This is wish and this is my mission.

Is my mission at work, also my mission in life? Maybe. I help people I connect with at church, in my neighbourhood, or any context - if I see I can help, I do. Two days ago I ran into someone who I met at church and helped with a family situation. She thanked me for taking time to help her even though I didn't really know her and told me everything had worked out well for them. Something that took me less than a half hour, impacted that family for the positive. Wow!

Why is my mission as an educator so clear, but not so clear for my mission in life. Maybe they're one and the same. I don't know.

Cautious...some good news

2008-12-12T18:19:00.004-05:00

Today my father was tested in the hyperbaric chamber and the test went well. Not great, not fantastic, not terrible, but well. Well enough to say that hyperbaric therapy might be helpful for my dad. That means, if Dr. D. is happy with the results of this test, he will determine the course of action and, I'm hoping, set into motion steps to resolve my father's current health situation...namely, determine how much will need to be amputated and when and how all that will occur.

I'm happy (cautiously, 'cause I don't want to be disappointed) because this bring bring resolution to his health and he won't have to wear the PICC line very much longer. Happy because for the next few weeks we don't have any doctor's appointments and can face Christmas on a positive note. It's been so busy these past few weeks with doctor's appointments, hospitals and sadness. I've been doing well for the most part, but the last month or so, I have been exercising less and eating more. I'm glad school is almost over and I'll have some time to rest. I'm going to try NOT to think about the new year, as it will be busy right from the start with my dad's appointments again.

Worried and feeling very tired...

2008-12-10T22:11:00.004-05:00

Since I last wrote, my father's been released and is at home. I quickly had to set up some more supports for him in the home - a personal care giver, increased Meals on Wheels delivery, and taking over some household responsibilities like groceries and banking. Tomorrow we see Dr. D and Friday we see Dr. E. We saw Dr. E last week (I think...I'm beginning to lose track) and this week my father will be tested in the hyperbaric tank. I'm praying for the best, but prepared for the worst.

I feel very drained by all this. I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm very rundown. I can't wait until the Christmas break. I'm hoping I'll have some time to recoup. Work is usually easier after the holidays and before you know it, it's summer break.

Day 26 (my day 13) - A Home for the Soul

2008-11-27T07:06:00.004-05:00

I am at home, no matter where I am.

This week has been like coming home, in more ways than one.

Somehow, I feel Earth week is MY week. I am a tree-hugger. My husband and kids are tree huggers. My parents grew up in villages in the mountains of their country where nature was respected for it's power and glory. The focal point of our home renovation was the addition of a greenhouse-like front entry. Our foyer has nine sky lights and is flooded with light when the sun is out. At night, you can see the stars and the moon, and during a shower (or thunderstorm) you can hear the water hitting the glass. Our foyer is filled with plants that flourish under these conditions.

This week, also, I brought my father home from the hospital and arranged services to support him. Being in my childhood home makes me feel grounded. Though my current situation is difficult, I stay strong (or, at least, am trying to stay strong) through the grounding I have in my family and in my faith. My soul truly feels at home, no matter where I am.

Today, I plan to complete the circle by creating an alter at work so wherever I am, I have a place to land.

Day ??

2008-11-26T06:38:00.004-05:00

Past few days have been busy with my father...getting him home from the hospital, setting up home care, medications, etc. Am still detoxing, both my body and spirit. It's been a very emotional time and I'm just moving forward as best I can. My father's always said, "just push forward" ...he says, "you can't stand still"...and I guess that's what's helped me get through so many difficulties in my life.

This morning I woke up with a song in my head...."put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor; put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door." These lyrics were sung by Mickey Rooney in "Santa Clause is coming to Town" and I've posted them below.

Strange as it may seem, there are a few tv shows (mainly TV Christmas specials) that have made strong impressions on me and my perspective on life. Another scene/song which, as a kid (and as an adult), made me feel OK with not always "fitting in" to society's norm is from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" where Rudolph and Herbie sing "We're a Couple of Misfits". That show, in particular, is full of songs that I relate to....but I'll save that for now....like Clarice said to Rudolph..."there's always tomorrow for dreams to come true, tomorrow is not far away."

Put One Foot In Front Of The Other
by Bass, Jules

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

(repeat chorus twice)

Day 22 (my day 9) - Connective with Your Body

2008-11-23T15:37:00.004-05:00

I am one with the earth. I am one with my body.

Oh boy, do I still have issues with me body!! Well, I like it more than I thought I did...after doing Denise's survey (p. 167-8), I realized I liked more than I hated. This month marks a year since I made the committment to take care of my body. I've since lost almost 15 pounds (4.5 this week alone - but that, I'm sure, was due to stress). I'm stronger. I'm regaining my flexibility. I've re-introduced yoga into my routine. And I try to mediate a few times a week.

I was reading ahead, and it is an interesting path, this Soul Coaching. Interesting from a number of perspectives. One being that since I started in the middle, I didn't think I would be in sync with the program and everyone else. But the coincidences have been many and uncanny.

I am a Greek Orthodox Christian and the Christmas Lent period began November 15th. I usualy do one week of lent, for no good excuse than it's hard cooking every night and I have to when we are on lent. What is lent for a Greek Orthodox Christian? It is a fast or abstinence from all animal foods - this includes butter, milk, eggs, fish, meat, etc. - anything for any animal (including fish) that bleeds.

"To the devout, fasting is a total-body experience to purify the body and the soul. To fast means to demonstrate self-control over temptations, sins, unkind feelings and material desires." (Christmas in Greece, pub by WorldBook)

So, what's so uncanny?...tomorrow we begin to detox our body. This week in addition to detoxing my body, I will detox my spirit...and my soul.

Day 21 (my day 8) - Fanning the Flames of Your Creativity

2008-11-23T12:19:00.004-05:00

Incredible creative life force flows through my entire being.

I'm a little distracted from this journey because of the journey I am on with my ailing father. I am participating as much as I can as I feel the universe still guides us wherever we may be in our lives. What I've been doing is scanning the day's entry in the book, and then coming back to it at the end of the day to see if, unconsciously, my soul has been following the soul coaching path.

Yesterday, Saturday was the last day of the Fire Week and about expressing yourself in some creative activity. Though I didn't do the exercise Denise suggested, I did do a whole bunch of sewing. Mending and altering items that had been sitting waiting for me for some time.

I think I will go back and do the activity in Level 3 at a later time as I think it is an important one. I did similar boards before we started our renovation and it created a map for the vision we had for our home and it still serves as a guide as we add details.

Day 20 (my day 7) -Your Spiritual Allies

2008-11-22T08:28:00.000-05:00

I am a loving spiritual being.

Somehow I feel my whole job is about supporting people to make the world a better place. As an educator, you touch many lives. I am blessed that I always have former students connecting with me and telling my what an impact I have had in their lives. Most importantly, they all say that they knew I really cared about them. That is so huge for me, it validates that I am making an impact student by student, family by family, and my hope is that this does ultimately make our world a better place.

Day 19 (my day 6) - Facing your death, Embracing your life

2008-11-22T08:18:00.000-05:00

I live in the present moment with courage and love.

This affirmation says it all. With my current situation with my father, I am everpresent in th enow and facing what every day brings with courage and with love. As I lit my candle on Thursday, I repeated "Although I have a body and identity, it is not who I am. In my essence, I am Divine Light." I am at peace with my life and I am always aware that today could be my last day. Denise's questions 3 and 4 for level 2 are rather difficult to answer because although I try to live to avoid making decisions I regret, there will always be regrets - choices and actions we could have made differently.

The following is a prayer I learned from a yoga teacher many years ago, and I find it helps me centre.

The Divine Light Invocation

I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light

Ever time I repeat it, I feel warm and peace, may it bring you the same.

Day 18 (my day 5) - Being Present, Saying Yes to Life

2008-11-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

I invite the pure light of the sun into my heart. May it shine from my heart to the world.

Today was about being in the present moment - and THAT I was! I had been taking days 4 and 5 of the Cognitive Coaching Foundation course through work. My father hadn't been well earlier in the week and on Wednesday, staying everpresent in the 'now', when I called my father I could tell immediately he was not well. I could not have been more present in the moment on this day that I ever have. Unsure about what would happen to him and knowing the decisions I will have to face as his only child.

I put my trust and faith in God, as I always do (some times more than other). Denise says in the level 3 section, "maybe you cannot change all the experiences you have today, but you can certainly choose your reaction to them." Rather than being emotion, I chose to be strong for my father and have been trying to think rationally and consider what options are best for him and for myself at this point.

I am blessed in my life for having had loving parents, for a having wonderful husband and really great kids. I am blessed for having had the opportunities of education, career, and the freedom to reflect on my life and change what didn't fit.

Father in hospital

2008-11-22T07:52:00.003-05:00

This has been another difficult week. My father's breathing seemed laboured on Monday when we went for his audiology test. I considered going upstairs in the clinic to see his doctor, but then I thought I might be overreacting. Tuesday I could still hear his breathing over the phone, then Wednesday when I called from the workshop it's sounded worse. I left early, went over to see him, and called the doctor's office to ask them what we should do. They said to come right over. They took my father in right away, sent him for x-ray and ECG and sent us to the hospital - congestive heart failure is what the doctor said he believed was going on.

Once we got to TEGH they promptly took us in. After a number of tests, they decided to admit it and that's where he is now. I'm frustrated because I haven't spoken with his doctor and don't know is going on. The doctor told my father he is going home on Monday, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I don't know what to do. This is probably one of the toughest situations I've ever been in...I feel so alone in making this decision. I pray God will give me some insight into what I should do.

Need prayers

2008-11-20T07:27:00.004-05:00

My father was admitted into the hospital last night for cardiac problems (still don't know exactly what, but he is in the cardiac acute care wing of the hospital).

A poem for my mother

2008-11-18T21:01:00.004-05:00

Our Mothers
By Christina Rossetti

Our Mothers, lovely women pitiful;
Our Sisters, gracious in their life and death;
To us each unforgotten memory saith:
"Learn as we learned in life's sufficient school,
Work as we worked in patience of our rule,
Walk as we walked, much less by sight than faith,
Hope as we hoped, despite our slips and scathe,
Fearful in joy and confident in dule."
I know not if they see us or can see;
But if they see us in our painful day,
How looking back to earth from Paradise
Do tears not gather in those loving eyes?—
Ah, happy eyes! whose tears are wiped away
Whether or not you bear to look on me.

My mother didn't like me to worry, but I'm worried all the time. I'm worried about my father. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about my husband. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about myself. I feel badly that she may be looking down at me and that she may feel sad for me. I miss her so much. A day doesn't go by without thinking about her.

Day 17 (my day 4) - Facing the Shadow

2008-11-18T20:06:00.000-05:00

I unconditionally accept all parts of myself.

Today we were supposed to be aware of every time we negatively judged others. This is a habit I've gotten into, particularly when I'm going through a low period, and I don't like it. What I found interesting is the question we had to ask ourselves, "Could this trait possibly be something that I have exhibited in the past, am currently exhibiting, or am capable of manifesting in the future?" I haven't thought of that before. It certainly has caused me to think, particularly today because I was on a workshop and I tend to get into a negative space and get into "judgment" mode. Weird...but it must be traits I recognize in myself that I dislike and react to. It makes sense.

I did the level 1 exercise - replacing "should" with "could" - I found this to be freeing somehow. It really did remove the guilty feelings associated with statements that include "should." The level 2 and 3 exercises were just too much to deal with from an emotional standpoint. Maybe I'll come back to them. I will be try to dance out the darkness and dance in the light, though, before I go to bed tonight. I find taking the belly dance classes have helped alot in that way. The classes also help I feel about myself and my body. We did a dance last night that felt sensual and a lot of fun while within a safe environment with other women of all shapes, sizes, and ages.

For now, I will defer to Charlotte Bronte's words, sign off, and go dance.

"The human heart has hidden treasures,

In secret kept, in silence sealed;

The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,

Whose charms were broken if revealed.

And days may pass in gay confusion,

And nights in rosy riot fly,

While, lost in Fame's or Wealth's illusion,

The memory of the Past may die. "

(first verse of Evening Solace)

Day 16 (my day 3) - Taking Risks

2008-11-17T21:15:00.000-05:00

I am free to experience joy in every moment...no matter what is happening in my life.

I really liked today affirmation. I tried to repeat that throughout the day...no matter what was happening (and alot was happening).

Today was about having fun, stepping out of our comfort zone, and breaking habits. I tried to deviate from the usual, although "old habits die hard" I was able to change my route to work a bit. I tried to have fun in everything I did today, but sometimes my best intentions were foiled. I DID have a great talk with an old friend who gave me some insight into how to deal with my difficult situation. And I told my father to a medical appointment and managed to make his laugh. That was probably the best thing today - he's been ill and it was nice to see him laugh.

After the day was over, I came home and listened to Handel's Water Music, had dinner (by myself...everyone seemed to get home late tonight) and then went to my belly-dancing class, which is always fun and I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone!!

All in all, a good day. I don't know that I gained any soulful insights...any insight to changing habits that do not support me. Maybe that will come as the week goes on.

Day 15 (my Day 2) - Confronting Fear, Developing Faith

2008-11-16T13:07:00.000-05:00

I am safe.

What an interesting morning. I couldn't sleep all night because of the rain and frozen rain, then this morning after I finally got a couple of hours of early morning sleep, I woke up to my bedroom flooded with sunlight. What a wonderful start to Fire Week.

I quickly came down and sat beside the altar I've set up in the living room and read/started today's tasks. I light a candle and began with the Level 1 task of listing my fears. There are many. I acknowledge my fears about the past, my fears about the future, my fear of rain and thunderstorms, as well as my fears of losing my father, my family, my memories, my mind, and of crumbling down in weakness.

The scenario I played out was the last. What would happen if I crumble down into my weaknesses? Would it empower my children? Would it be the beginning of a "Lillian re-boot" - a re-building or renovation of myself? You can only build if you have a cleared foundation, right? It could mean my own rebirth.

12:40 - I read a section I had taken from Thursday's newspaper. It was about old age, dementia, Alzheimer's. It was very timely that I read it today and it validated that what I am trying to do with my health - that is, exercising regularly, trying to eat right, keeping an eye on my cholesterol - is on the right path to preventing that which I fear most - losing my mind.

We'll see what the rest of the day holds. I'm not sure if I will attempt Level 2 or 3 today, but we'll see, the day is young.

Blister packs

2008-11-15T20:52:00.004-05:00

Trying to make things easier doesn't always. I asked my father's doctor to order his medications in Blister pack pill dispensers in order to make it easier for him to take his pills. Well, it hasn't gone too well. I called today and he was upset because he couldn't figure them out. I guess it's my fault because I didn't get to his house after school yesterday when the first pack was delivered to explain to him how to use them. I asked him to ask the VON nurse to help him, but I guess he didn't. He was so confused when we got there this afternoon. He was in tears as I tried to explain it. I got very frustrated and my daughter, M, explained it to him slowly and he listened to her. I fee so bad. I don't know what to do. I think I'm right leaving him at home and having CCAC help with his personal care and light house keeping, but I always feel guilty. There's so much I need to do for him, for us, and yet I feel paralyzed.

Day 14 - Releasing Victim Thinking, Choosing Your Life (Day 1 for me)

2008-11-15T18:02:00.000-05:00

I was planning on starting Soul Coaching tomorrow, the first day of the Fire week. But after I woke up and came downstairs, I sat down and read today's entry in Denise Linn's book. It seemed so appropriate for what I was feeling already this morning, I thought I would plunge in. Denise Linn, in her introductory, says start when you feel it's right...and somehow, that was today, the last day of the water week.

It was raining this morning and has been all day. After I got up from bed I weighed myself, as I usually do, particularly on Saturdays because I go to the morning Weight Watcher's meeting. I was up another pound and immediately started with the negative talk. "Why can't I stop binging when I'm upset? Why can't I get control of myself?" etc. So, it was funny (or serendipitous) to read in Soul Coaching that today's Level 1 task was to take negative questions and make them noble questions. Sometimes I feel like I've cornered the market on negative questions, so this exercise would likely be challenging...and it was.

Using Denise's sample questions, I came up with my own version of noble questions:
1. How can I nourish and strengthen my body and build a positive self-image?
2. How can I feel more abundant?
3. How can I honour myself?

I tried the Level 2 questions, using the situation at work. I am clearly being bullied by a superior and quite honestly feel victimized but can't figure my way out of it. I could answer question 1 and 2. But when it came to answering number 3 and 4, I couldn't even begin. I've gone back to those questions throughout the day, and still have no answer. I know Denise says the answers are within each of us, but at this point at time, I still don't have an answer. I'm hoping it may come to me through this journey.

Level 3 exercise was good...I addressed very painful, pivotal events in my life and feel some peace after repeating the affirmation. Even events from my childhood. I think over time I have come to peace with them, but this felt like it was a good cleansing... how very appropriate for the last day of the water week.

Interesting email

2008-11-14T21:24:00.004-05:00

Just on the eve of starting the Soul Coaching I received this email from my fitness trainer, so I thought I would post part of it here.

St. Theresa's Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust Godthat you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Soul Coaching

2008-11-14T20:37:00.000-05:00

I've decided to join a book club blog using Denise Linn's book, Soul Coaching. It's 28 days to enlightenment, so something similar. It feels a lot like Julia Cameron's an Artist's Way. I found that book was extremely helpful when my mom was sick and following her death. I've read some of the blogs of the members of this book club and they all seem so thoughtful, most either artist or in some way in pursuit of a creative life. That's what I want, and I suppose for the most part, that's what I have...only it's not in the form that I wish.

Since I'm starting the book mid-way through, I will be starting tomorrow which will be the first day of the Fire Week. I've read the section and the day's focus is facing one's fears. All day, that's what I've been thinking about my fears...

Long-term care

2008-11-08T09:52:00.003-05:00

I met with my father's family doctor, Dr. WO, yesterday. I needed to get some repeats on prescriptions and ask the doctor for the referrals Dr. WE needs before he can test my father for the hyperbaric therapy. I also talked to the doctor about proceeding with filling out the paperwork for my father to enter long-term care eventually. Dr. WO mentionned that he was one of the doctors that works out of one of the long-term care facilities I was considering and that he could help get my father in if we decided we wanted him to go there. That is somewhat hopeful. In the meantime, I have to get my dad to have the tests he needs done, get his medications in order, and move forward from there...whatever "forward" is.

My son, P, told me about a former student from my last school who passed away recently at his own hands. It's so sad. I remember the student as being a dynamic, yet unusual, young man. One who was involved in various creative aspects of the school. He apparently was a talented diver and most recently an upcoming fashion photographer who was well known in that industry. It's always so hard to hear about the death of a young person. Someone who seemingly had everything to live for, yet, obviously had some demons of his own that he couldn't cope with. So sad, such a waste. Contrast that with my dear father who is fighting for his life.

Bad news...

2008-10-18T22:00:00.004-04:00

I got the news from the vascular surgeon yesterday...they can't do a bypass surgery on my dad's leg because there are too many blockages in his veins to support the surgery. That means, if things don't miraculously get better (or, conversely, don't get worse) my father might have to have his lower leg amputated. I don't know what to do. I am so worried about him. I have talked with his case manager from the Community Care Access Centre and she's set up some supports for him. I think I need to think about long-term care. I don't know what to do...I hate this...I feel so bad for him.

I don't know if he understood what I told him regarding this doctor's news. He seemed happy - I think he confused this surgical option with the surgery for removing the leg. I'm not sure. He said something that really disturbed me. He said that he was happy with how much time he's had. I didn't pursue the conversation as I think I knew what he meant.

New goals?

2008-10-18T20:53:00.004-04:00

For me, it's about goal setting. If I can set a goal, it gives me something to work towards. And...somehow or other, I figure things out.

I was thinking about my situation, and the extreme unhappiness I'm having with respect to work-place statisfaction. I thought about what had made me happy about work and how I can get back to that place. I enjoyed teaching...as an adminstrator I work with disgruntled people - kids, parents, teachers - rarely do they come in to tell me something good, mostly just problems or concerns. Teaching - interacting with students - developing curriculum - seeing the light in my students eyes as the lesson clicked for them -- that was joy. How can I get back to that joy and pursue "art happiness."

Two things happened this past week - one, a casual conversation with a friend and second, a trip to the library.

The conversation: My friend AH is program coordinator for a Continuing Education program and was talking about how great that experience is in contrast to role in the day as administrator. It's a role she enjoys...meeting people who want to learn - whether it's for pleasure, interest or somehow work-related. Teachers who are keen to share what they know.

The trip to the Library: I wanted to take out the South Beach diet book because I want to kick start my weight loss and get that last 10 pounds off (yes, I know, famous last words). While there I browsed in the Art section and found a spiral bound book by Nancy Reyner - Acrylic Revolution: New Tricks and Techniques for Working with the World's Most Versatile Medium. I took the books out and when I was going through Acrylic Revolution I thought about how someone could use it as a textbook for experimenting in art.

Then the idea: I thought how great it would be to teach a night school course through Con Ed. We could explore the versatility of acrylics and do a sampling of exercises from the book. Anyway, I was so excited I sat down and started preparing a ten week lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN. Something I haven't done in almost 5 years. It was fun! I told AH about it and she got all excited and wants me to commit to teaching at her school in January.

Well...I put the brakes on that. I can't see it happening this year...but maybe next September. I (once again) don't have the confidence in myself...which is crazy, 'cause one of the courses I taught one year was a course on PhotoShop - which I had never used before!! Yet, the kids did great, produced some amazing work, and I felt great about it at the end of the year!!

Hmm....something to think about.

Update on my life...

2008-10-13T19:18:00.004-04:00

It's been many months since my last post. Since then, I have turned 50, have been taking belly dancing classes, cycled 200 kilometers from Toronto to Niagara Falls, pulled out from the promotion track at work 'cause I'm taking care of my ailing father, lost about 10 pounds, and am still dreaming of being a painter. So, with all the things I have achieved, what is holding me back from a dream I've had since I was a child. What stops me? Fear? Self-confidence? Self-esteem? Well? Yes, all of the above. The fear I have is the voice in my head that says "who am I to think I am an artist without 'training' or 'education'?" Thanks to this core fear I have very little self-confidence and low self-esteem. This is a perfect example of self-sabotage or a self fulfilling prophecy.

How do I create a new self fulfilling prophecy? This is the question. This is my quest.

what's tough about being an only child?

2008-10-13T19:09:00.005-04:00

You're the only one. The only one to take care of your mother when she is dying. The only one to take care of your father with whom you have never really had a good relationship. The only one to make a decision on elder care for a father who has always been strong and is in both physical pain from a terrible infection on his diabetes ravaged body and is mentally in pain because he can't be the strong father figure his only daughter has always know.

What's so tough about being an only child? There is no one else to share stories from when you were a child. There's no one else to share in the pain when you lost your mother and are watching your father grow weaker as he grows older.

What's so tough? There are only the memories you have...alone. The stories you try to share with your family who really don't understand or, maybe, don't care because they have their own memories they are building.

It's tough being an only child...even when you're 50.

On being 50

2008-07-17T21:01:00.005-04:00

I started this blog with the intention of tracking my weight loss and exercise as I trained for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Since I turned 50 this past May, there has been a change in my perspective on life. No big surprise, this is what every 50-year-old professes. But, it is happening to me now, so it matters more.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer was a challenge I took up as a way to honour my mom and fund-raise in her memory. I had wanted to do something for her, but nothing seemed to fit, until I heard about this event. I've also signed up as a volunteer for Sunnybrook Hospital's Underwear Affair - for cancers below the waist. My grandmother died of ovarian cancer, so this will be a way to do something for her. I have also signed up for next year's Ride.

I'm restructuring my priorities. I'm not sure work is the be-all and end-all for me as it once was. I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo. So, in the meantime, I am taking on challenges and trying things. One of those things is belly-dancing. I've wanted to do this for years and years...and this was the year!!! I love it...I can't even express how much fun it is and how freeing being able to dance is. My dream, as a child, was to be a dancer...and in some ways, this fulfills that dream.

That comes to the change in focus of this blog. I will continue my enternal battle of the bulge, but I will enjoy exploring and trying new things and write on being 50.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer - Day 2

2008-07-17T20:45:00.007-04:00

We got home late from the hospital so I didn't take a shower before bed...I just wanted to sleep. We got up early Sunday morning, showered and joined everyone for breakfast...only...everyone had breakfast earlier than us and were on their bikes ready for the 'start'. Oh well...we took out time, which later proved to be problematic as we were at the end of the 'biker pack.'

I was determined to ride the ENTIRE course this day. But as the day went on we lagged behind. I was ENJOYING THE SCENERY which not everyone else seem to be doing. It was so beautiful. When we got up to the top of the escarpment my breath was just taken with the beauty. Even though it was overcast, it was spectacular!!

We continued on. Mia was worried about me and kept asking if I was OK. I know she was frustrated because she kept having to stop to wait for me to catch up. I wasn't intending on over-exerting myself, so that didn't make anything better. I wasn't in a rush...it wasn't a race...I was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I was actually taking up such a challenge and that even greater than that I was doing it for people who have a fight 100 times greater than my issues that day. I was so inspired by the survivors on the Ride and the stories from other riders and family and friends they had lost and were dedicating their rides for. For me, my mother was foremost in my mind. I think she would have been proud...for certain, she would have thought I was nuts...but she would have been proud for fundraising and trying to help in whatever capacity I could do.

This was a great weekend, no matter what! Near the end of the Ride, Mia became really worried about me and that we wouldn't make it to the finish line. She flagged over one of the sweep vehicles and was talking to them. By the time I reached them, they asked if they could take us up to within 3 km of the finish line and drop us off. We had done about 90 km so far and I did not want to give up - I was determined I would do the whole 100 km and ride across the finish line. I looked at Maria and asked her if this is what she wanted to do. She nodded 'yes' and I agreed for her sake. I was angry but I didn't want to upset Mia more.

The sweep vehicle dropped us off 3 km before the finish line and we rode in across the finish line. There were cheerers along the path and the announcer called out that our group was coming in. Mia crossed first and, as the cheerers were cheering, turned to me and say "Why can't every day begin like this!" So funny...but true!

This was such a huge event in my life...after marriage and childbirth, of course...that everything else seems not as significant as it was before. This ride put things into perspective for me somehow. I can't explain how...but it did.

We've signed up for next year already.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer - Day 1

2008-07-15T13:19:00.004-04:00

The Ride to Conquer Cancer came and went and we did great! Such a great day, such a great event. It started on Friday June 20th - Day Zero - down at the CNE in the Direct Energy Centre where we parked our bikes overnight, handed in the remainder of our donations, picked up jerseys, maps and our bike tags. Cancer survivors received an additional bike marker - a yellow flag attached to the rear wheel. It was amazing to see so many people...and to see so many survivors.

Saturday June 21st - Day One - we all picked up our bikes and gathered in the parking lot across from the Direct Energy Centre. Following the Opening Ceremonies we were let out onto Lakeshore Blvd. For the most part, the road was closed off up until around Malton. We were in Mississaugua by 10:30. I don't think I realized the scope of the ride...and quite frankly, I didn't think about it at all for precisely that reason. I think if I had consciously thought about what it meant to ride 200 kilometers, I would have scared myself silly and would not even have riden.

The weather was somewhat overcast, but it didn't rain ....which was good! There were cheerers along the way...so great! After lunch on the first day, we approached and reached the Niagara Escarpment. Boy, oh boy, was that tough! It was an upward climb, very hilly, and when I couldn't ride, I would get off my bike and walk up. Maria was taking the hills really agressively and was about half a kilometer ahead of me most of the way. It wasn't until we were almost at the third pit stop that I finally gave in and got a lift from the sweeper vehicles. I was sooo out of breath and my chest was killing me. Maria stayed on course and we met at the pit stop. There was still alot of hills left and I didn't think I could do the rest for that day - I had successfully rode about 70km the first day and I was not too proud or too stupid to continue when I didn't feel well enough - so I decided to take the bus into camp.

Maria decided to join me on the bus to Mohawk College in Hamilton. It was fun and there were a lot of people on it...many of them were very young and "fit-looking"...so I didn't feel so bad. We didn't stay in the camp, we had a suite in the Mohawk College Residence, so we went up, changed, and went down to the camp. I thought I'd go to the Medical Tent and talk to them about the chest pain I was having...and before I knew it, I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. Without going into the story...I was OK and sent 'home' with permission to continue the Ride the next day.

I'm 50!

2008-05-11T08:45:00.003-04:00

Today I am 50 years old and what a weekend it's been so far. My kids and husband conspired to surprise me with tickets to "We Will Rock You" - a fantastic show featuring the music of Queen. My husband and I went yesterday (today is the last day of the show) and sat just rows away from the stage - fantastic seats for a fantastic show!!! When we came home, we immediately headed out to have a family dinner at a great local Italian restaurant. Today is Mother's Day and my birthday. It's 8:45 am and the kids are still sleeping. The plan for today is church and then Maria and I will get on our bikes for a long ride...with the Ride to Conquer Cancer only about 5 weeks away, we have to kick up the training a bit.

April 12, 2008

2008-04-12T21:22:00.004-04:00

Haven't posted in a long time. Have been up and down. I've been exercising in preparation for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. I've switched plans from Weight Watcher's Core to Flex. I was still overeating on the Core plan. The Flex is giving me more control in that I need to eat within the prescribed amount of points. Although Core is easier for maintaining - it's the plan I will go to once I've reached my goal.

Although I'm not losing a lot, I am dropping inches. My clothes fit loser and I look like I've lost weight. So, that's good!!

2.4 down...thanks to stress

2008-02-23T19:17:00.002-05:00

I dropped 2.4 pounds this week...and I don't think it was because I did anything right. It was a terribly stressful week and I exercised only twice. I'm back on track with my monthly goal, though. Only 1.4 pounds to be where I'm aiming for by the end of February.

My aunt's in the hospital...she has pneumonia and is 92 years old. I know she's lived a long life...but she is my mom's last living sister and my second mom. I went to see her today. I feel so sad...so very, very sad. My mother died in March...we're coming up on her 6th anniversary...my aunt could go the same time. I'm praying for her...

not too good today

2008-02-16T17:03:00.003-05:00

Didn't do particularly well today. Gained 1.6 lbs and I feel quite upset with myself. I know it's from the snacking throughout the week 'cause of the stress at work. I stepped up the exercising as I'm training for the Ride to Conquer Cancer and thought that that would somehow even things out...obviously, didn't! Well, I'll get back on track this week and have a loss next week.

I might have a team...

2008-02-10T10:22:00.000-05:00

I was talking with Mary yesterday and mentionned the Ride to Conquer Cancer...and she said she was thinking of doing it too. So, we're both beginning the training (I did 11.5 km twice this week) and we're going to the orientation and then we'll see. Now to figure out how to ask people for donations. I think this is one of the things they teach you at the orientation.

My daughter is coming home from Hamilton this morning so I'll see if she wants to go...then we'll be a team of three!!!

Ride to Conquer Cancer

2008-02-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm up 0.2 lbs this week, but that's OK because I was down alot last week, this is probably just a correction.

I'm thinking of riding in the "Ride for the Cure" this coming summer. It's a 200 km ride from Toronto to Niagara Falls at the end of June. It would be in honour of my mother, as well as my husband's brother and his dads. I've signed up for an Orientation session on February 25th. The thing that worries me is the amount of money you're supposed to raise is huge...but I guess they teach you how to do that. I had already decided I would throw myself a 50th b-day party-fundraiser with the intention to donate to the Cancer Society....so I would use it for the ride instead.

The ride is over two days and we camp in Hamilton. I've never camped before and that might be a good experience (well, it'll be an experience...I don't know if it'll be good...I wouldn't describe myself as a camper). I mentionned it to my daughter and my youngest son and they're thinking about it. I'm to talk to my other son, his girlfriend and my husband later today.

Hmmm....I'm feeling excited about this!

http://www.conquercancer.ca/

down 2.2 lbs!!

2008-02-02T18:13:00.000-05:00

Well...this week I decided I would cut the cream out of my coffee. I'm doing CORE which, if I were following it properly, I would have to count the points for the cream...but I haven't been. So, this week I decided to replace the cream with skim milk (not as pleasureable, but I managed)...and I lost 2.2 pounds. I also worked out...Lynne had me do a new workout which really worked my abdominals...ouch!

So, in the grand scheme of things...my goal for January was to lose 3 pounds, and I've lost 5.0 lbs. February is a rougher month for me at work so my goal is 2 pounds. What I have to focus on is not munching (or binging) when I'm stressed. What's coming up at work? I'm getting 2 new half-time secretaries to replace my one regular secretary, I'm prep-ing for a whole school initiative, as well as prep-ing for the promotion process at work. Lost to be stressed about...but I think I can do it!

Mary's baby shower...

2008-01-27T17:46:00.001-05:00

Just got back from a baby shower my friend Mary threw for her niece. It was very "English" - petit fours, little crustless sandwiches, little cakes, etc....and I have some of everything. OMG!! So, how I deal with this for the rest of the week is my challenge. I've used most of my 35 points and have 14 left for the remainder of the week. Since I'm doing CORE, it means I can't snack on non-CORE foods for the rest of the week...or, at least, be very careful and prudent. I can do it!

Lost 1.0 lbs!!

2008-01-26T10:01:00.000-05:00

Doesn't sound like much when you hear other women at the WW meetings who have lost 3 and 4 pounds, but for me this is great! This year I'm trying to plan my weight loss out over the year. I love planning and live my professional life with plans, checklists, to-do lists, etc. and get great satisfaction when I succeed in achieving my goals. If I don't achieve them, I re-evaluate my goals and decide whether or not to proceed, and review where I want to be at any given time. It's a strategy that's worked well for me throughout my career - whether it was in education, like now, or when I worked in the private sector in the computer field. It works and I feel good! But it never dawned on me to do the same for my health...well, it did "dawn on me" but I never actually did anything about it. And, ya, I've done the New Year's resolution bit, but that wasn't specific enough, it wasn't SMART - Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely - the exact strategy that works for me at work, I had never applied to weight loss and health.

So, this year, in the year that I turn 50 - I finally get it. I've set weight loss goals throughout the year. Each month I've identified an amount of weight I want to loss - considering work demands and knowing some months are more stressful that others. Allowing me to have some comfort foods if I really need to and can't divert to something else. I've also hired a Personal Trainer who is really fantastic and do not cancel workouts no matter how tired or depressed or stressed I am. I've also set out an outfit I would like to wear on my birthday and another outfit for New Year's Eve 2008/9.

I've been setting short-term weekly goals, and trying to keep them. This week, I'm going to stop using cream in my coffee and switch to skim milk. I thought a little cream in my coffee won't make so much difference, but I think it does, in more ways that weight. It could be part of the problem with my choloesterol (which is a whole other story).

I think...no, I know I'm on the right path. I will continue to journal here, 'cause it's easier to type here than to write in my journal. For this month, my goal was to lose 3 pounds, so far I've lost 2.8 - so 0.2 for next week and I've met January's goal!!

back to the purpose of this blog

2008-01-25T16:53:00.001-05:00

The original purpose was a place to track my progress with my health plan for 2008...lose weight, exercise and look great when I turn 50!!

I've been working out with a personal trainer who is just great! She's nice, she's just a regular woman, and she makes me work hard but doesn't go into overkill. My weight is fluctuating, but I'm learning to eat better...so once the penny drops and I still to the Weight Watchers plan, hopefully the weight will come off too.

So, I'm plugging away at it...staying hopeful, optimistic, and positive.

epiphany

2008-01-06T20:07:00.001-05:00

Today is the Theophany of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

About the beginning of our Lord's thirtieth year, John the Forerunner, who was some six months older than Our Saviour according to the flesh, and had lived in the wilderness since his childhood, received a command from God and came into the parts of the Jordan, preaching the baptism of repentance unto the remission of sins. Then our Saviour also came from Galilee to the Jordan, and sought and received baptism though He was the Master and John was but a servant. Whereupon, there came to pass those marvellous deeds, great and beyond nature: the Heavens were opened, the Spirit descended in the form of a dove upon Him that was being baptized and the voice was heard from the Heavens hearing witness that this was the beloved Son of God, now baptized as a man (Matt. 3:13-17; Mark 1:9-11; Luke 3:1-22). From these events the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ and the great mystery of the Trinity were demonstrated. It is also from this that the present feast is called "Theophany," that is, the divine manifestation, God's appearance among men. On this venerable day the sacred mystery of Christian baptism was inaugurated; henceforth also began the saving preaching of the Kingdom of the Heavens. (ref: http://www.iconograms.org/sig.php?eid=374)

January 5, 2008

2008-01-05T14:38:00.001-05:00

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 78 years old today. She died March 14, 2002 and I still miss her terribly.