Refusing treatment

I woke up this morning prepared to take my father to TGH for his hyperbaric treatment. When I called him to tell him I was on my way he said he wasn't going. He said he was thinking about it all night and does not want to continue the treatment. It was too hard for him to go everymorning. I suggested getting a later appointment and he answered flat out "NO. I don't want to." I told him the consequences of not recieving this therapy and he said he didn't care. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. He seemed apprehensive on Friday, repeatedly asking me if he had to do this for 5 weeks. The fact that the weather is absolutely horrific, even for Canada, isn't helping much. It's so difficult to get around.

After I spoke with him, I phoned Dr. D at TEGH and have made an appointment with Dr. O, my father's family doctor - in order to sign the application papers for long-term care. Thursday we see Dr. D and then plan next steps. I feel numb, not sure our future. Not sure of too much right now.

Worried and feeling very tired...

Since I last wrote, my father's been released and is at home. I quickly had to set up some more supports for him in the home - a personal care giver, increased Meals on Wheels delivery, and taking over some household responsibilities like groceries and banking. Tomorrow we see Dr. D and Friday we see Dr. E. We saw Dr. E last week (I think...I'm beginning to lose track) and this week my father will be tested in the hyperbaric tank. I'm praying for the best, but prepared for the worst.

I feel very drained by all this. I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm very rundown. I can't wait until the Christmas break. I'm hoping I'll have some time to recoup. Work is usually easier after the holidays and before you know it, it's summer break.

Day 26 (my day 13) - A Home for the Soul

I am at home, no matter where I am.

This week has been like coming home, in more ways than one.

Somehow, I feel Earth week is MY week. I am a tree-hugger. My husband and kids are tree huggers. My parents grew up in villages in the mountains of their country where nature was respected for it's power and glory. The focal point of our home renovation was the addition of a greenhouse-like front entry. Our foyer has nine sky lights and is flooded with light when the sun is out. At night, you can see the stars and the moon, and during a shower (or thunderstorm) you can hear the water hitting the glass. Our foyer is filled with plants that flourish under these conditions.

This week, also, I brought my father home from the hospital and arranged services to support him. Being in my childhood home makes me feel grounded. Though my current situation is difficult, I stay strong (or, at least, am trying to stay strong) through the grounding I have in my family and in my faith. My soul truly feels at home, no matter where I am.

Today, I plan to complete the circle by creating an alter at work so wherever I am, I have a place to land.

Day ??

Past few days have been busy with my father...getting him home from the hospital, setting up home care, medications, etc. Am still detoxing, both my body and spirit. It's been a very emotional time and I'm just moving forward as best I can. My father's always said, "just push forward" ...he says, "you can't stand still"...and I guess that's what's helped me get through so many difficulties in my life.

This morning I woke up with a song in my head...."put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor; put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door." These lyrics were sung by Mickey Rooney in "Santa Clause is coming to Town" and I've posted them below.

Strange as it may seem, there are a few tv shows (mainly TV Christmas specials) that have made strong impressions on me and my perspective on life. Another scene/song which, as a kid (and as an adult), made me feel OK with not always "fitting in" to society's norm is from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" where Rudolph and Herbie sing "We're a Couple of Misfits". That show, in particular, is full of songs that I relate to....but I'll save that for now....like Clarice said to Rudolph..."there's always tomorrow for dreams to come true, tomorrow is not far away."


Put One Foot In Front Of The Other
by Bass, Jules

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

(repeat chorus twice)

Father in hospital

This has been another difficult week. My father's breathing seemed laboured on Monday when we went for his audiology test. I considered going upstairs in the clinic to see his doctor, but then I thought I might be overreacting. Tuesday I could still hear his breathing over the phone, then Wednesday when I called from the workshop it's sounded worse. I left early, went over to see him, and called the doctor's office to ask them what we should do. They said to come right over. They took my father in right away, sent him for x-ray and ECG and sent us to the hospital - congestive heart failure is what the doctor said he believed was going on.

Once we got to TEGH they promptly took us in. After a number of tests, they decided to admit it and that's where he is now. I'm frustrated because I haven't spoken with his doctor and don't know is going on. The doctor told my father he is going home on Monday, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I don't know what to do. This is probably one of the toughest situations I've ever been in...I feel so alone in making this decision. I pray God will give me some insight into what I should do.

Blister packs

Trying to make things easier doesn't always. I asked my father's doctor to order his medications in Blister pack pill dispensers in order to make it easier for him to take his pills. Well, it hasn't gone too well. I called today and he was upset because he couldn't figure them out. I guess it's my fault because I didn't get to his house after school yesterday when the first pack was delivered to explain to him how to use them. I asked him to ask the VON nurse to help him, but I guess he didn't. He was so confused when we got there this afternoon. He was in tears as I tried to explain it. I got very frustrated and my daughter, M, explained it to him slowly and he listened to her. I fee so bad. I don't know what to do. I think I'm right leaving him at home and having CCAC help with his personal care and light house keeping, but I always feel guilty. There's so much I need to do for him, for us, and yet I feel paralyzed.

Long-term care

I met with my father's family doctor, Dr. WO, yesterday. I needed to get some repeats on prescriptions and ask the doctor for the referrals Dr. WE needs before he can test my father for the hyperbaric therapy. I also talked to the doctor about proceeding with filling out the paperwork for my father to enter long-term care eventually. Dr. WO mentionned that he was one of the doctors that works out of one of the long-term care facilities I was considering and that he could help get my father in if we decided we wanted him to go there. That is somewhat hopeful. In the meantime, I have to get my dad to have the tests he needs done, get his medications in order, and move forward from there...whatever "forward" is.

My son, P, told me about a former student from my last school who passed away recently at his own hands. It's so sad. I remember the student as being a dynamic, yet unusual, young man. One who was involved in various creative aspects of the school. He apparently was a talented diver and most recently an upcoming fashion photographer who was well known in that industry. It's always so hard to hear about the death of a young person. Someone who seemingly had everything to live for, yet, obviously had some demons of his own that he couldn't cope with. So sad, such a waste. Contrast that with my dear father who is fighting for his life.

what's tough about being an only child?

You're the only one. The only one to take care of your mother when she is dying. The only one to take care of your father with whom you have never really had a good relationship. The only one to make a decision on elder care for a father who has always been strong and is in both physical pain from a terrible infection on his diabetes ravaged body and is mentally in pain because he can't be the strong father figure his only daughter has always know.

What's so tough about being an only child? There is no one else to share stories from when you were a child. There's no one else to share in the pain when you lost your mother and are watching your father grow weaker as he grows older.

What's so tough? There are only the memories you have...alone. The stories you try to share with your family who really don't understand or, maybe, don't care because they have their own memories they are building.

It's tough being an only child...even when you're 50.