Wishcasting Wednesday...

When I first read Jamie’s prompt for Wishcasting Wednesday, “What do you wish to tell the world?” I thought I’d just write what I was feeling.

I wanted to tell the world that everything is hard. That life is a challenge. That there are tests and trials we are put through without a clear reason for them. Life is something that happens to us, that we have no control, and that, no matter how hard you try, bad things will happen. I wanted to tell the world that you can achieve every goal you set, but only after a struggle.

That is what I wanted to write. Then I thought for a minute, maybe this post would be too much of a downer, so I clicked on Mr. Linky to read what other blogger’s had posted. Each one wrote of hope, abundance, opportunity, creativity, and other very positive messages. I didn’t think it appropriate to post what I was feeling…these feelings of sadness and grief.

I’ve been thinking about this all day. Thinking about the depression that I believe has set in again. Thinking about the trials I’m going through and the feelings of hopelessness I have. I shared this morning’s experience with my daughter during our nightly visit with my father, in the hospital. I told her I felt bad posting what I was feeling and she encouraged I post anyway. She said, if it’s how you’re feeling, then why would it be bad? So, here we are, at 7:30 in the evening, and I’m responding to Jamie’s prompt from the depths of my soul.

In search of a summer routine

At the end of every school year educators and educational workers transition into summer mode; only, for me, that transition is not a smooth process. I usually feel like I hit a wall, face first. There is a sense of loss, mourning. The end of a school year. This year, in particular, the end of my time at a particular school. The loss of relationships, friendships. The loss of routine...which I crave.

Summer usually marks a period of disarray for me. The need to find routine, the need to find my place. When the kids were little, I would program our summer activities...create a routine, a summer "normal." You would think after all these years, I would get used to it, but I haven't. Every year is a new challenge; a new summer normal has to be created. This summer marks one year since my father got sick. One year of medical appointments. One year of doctors and hospitals. One year of worry, confusion, and sadness. One whole year. My father is scheduled to be on a tapered course of antibiotics until he’s done on July 24th. Then what?

Today was an especially tough one as I watched Michael Jackson's memorial and was reminded of so many memories from my childhood. Tomorrow I go into work for the morning and then, technically, I’m done until late August. So, why am I not relaxing and enjoying the release from the fast and hectic pace of an urban high school?

It’s summer…and I need a routine.

A visit from Nela*

Once again...when I am feeling so low, a student I have worked with drops by for a visit. I was thinking of Nela* for some time. When she came to my school she was a grade 10 student full of fire. A bright young girl who could easily have taken the wrong path. My mission was to keep her on track with school and extra-curriculars that kept her out of trouble. A young girl with a troubled past, emotional at times and, even, inconsolable. On Wednesday, I would describe myself as inconsolable. It was the day before my father's pre-op appointments at the hospital in preparation for his amputation. I got to work and thought I would look up the school Nela* had gone to and call the administrator to find out how she was doing. I had come in to work thinking I would look him up other times but this particular day, I really needed to hear good news...at least, that's what I was hoping to hear.

Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.

After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.

Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.

(*not her real name)

So much pain...

The date is booked and we are all grieving. My father and I met with Dr. W of TEGH - an orthopedic surgeon - who will be doing the surgery. He explained the surgery and the risks. Because of my father's lack of circulation, the below the knee amputation is not looking promising, but it is the surgery they will be doing in order for my father to be fitted with a prosthesis. If it does not heal, they will "revise" the surgery - meaning, they will have a second surgery and cut above the knee. It's funny...(not ha-ha funny) but as I sit here typing it I'm numb. I've have to come to terms with this in the last couple of weeks and am just numb. At work, I have tried to get everything done in case the inevitable occurs. I've done all the work I can for Feb and March.

I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.