Day 17 (my day 4) - Facing the Shadow

I unconditionally accept all parts of myself.

Today we were supposed to be aware of every time we negatively judged others. This is a habit I've gotten into, particularly when I'm going through a low period, and I don't like it. What I found interesting is the question we had to ask ourselves, "Could this trait possibly be something that I have exhibited in the past, am currently exhibiting, or am capable of manifesting in the future?" I haven't thought of that before. It certainly has caused me to think, particularly today because I was on a workshop and I tend to get into a negative space and get into "judgment" mode. Weird...but it must be traits I recognize in myself that I dislike and react to. It makes sense.

I did the level 1 exercise - replacing "should" with "could" - I found this to be freeing somehow. It really did remove the guilty feelings associated with statements that include "should." The level 2 and 3 exercises were just too much to deal with from an emotional standpoint. Maybe I'll come back to them. I will be try to dance out the darkness and dance in the light, though, before I go to bed tonight. I find taking the belly dance classes have helped alot in that way. The classes also help I feel about myself and my body. We did a dance last night that felt sensual and a lot of fun while within a safe environment with other women of all shapes, sizes, and ages.

For now, I will defer to Charlotte Bronte's words, sign off, and go dance.

"The human heart has hidden treasures,

In secret kept, in silence sealed;­

The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,

Whose charms were broken if revealed.

And days may pass in gay confusion,

And nights in rosy riot fly,

While, lost in Fame's or Wealth's illusion,

The memory of the Past may die. "

(first verse of Evening Solace)

Day 16 (my day 3) - Taking Risks

I am free to experience joy in every moment...no matter what is happening in my life.

I really liked today affirmation. I tried to repeat that throughout the day...no matter what was happening (and alot was happening).

Today was about having fun, stepping out of our comfort zone, and breaking habits. I tried to deviate from the usual, although "old habits die hard" I was able to change my route to work a bit. I tried to have fun in everything I did today, but sometimes my best intentions were foiled. I DID have a great talk with an old friend who gave me some insight into how to deal with my difficult situation. And I told my father to a medical appointment and managed to make his laugh. That was probably the best thing today - he's been ill and it was nice to see him laugh.

After the day was over, I came home and listened to Handel's Water Music, had dinner (by myself...everyone seemed to get home late tonight) and then went to my belly-dancing class, which is always fun and I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone!!

All in all, a good day. I don't know that I gained any soulful insights...any insight to changing habits that do not support me. Maybe that will come as the week goes on.

Day 15 (my Day 2) - Confronting Fear, Developing Faith

I am safe.

What an interesting morning. I couldn't sleep all night because of the rain and frozen rain, then this morning after I finally got a couple of hours of early morning sleep, I woke up to my bedroom flooded with sunlight. What a wonderful start to Fire Week.

I quickly came down and sat beside the altar I've set up in the living room and read/started today's tasks. I light a candle and began with the Level 1 task of listing my fears. There are many. I acknowledge my fears about the past, my fears about the future, my fear of rain and thunderstorms, as well as my fears of losing my father, my family, my memories, my mind, and of crumbling down in weakness.

The scenario I played out was the last. What would happen if I crumble down into my weaknesses? Would it empower my children? Would it be the beginning of a "Lillian re-boot" - a re-building or renovation of myself? You can only build if you have a cleared foundation, right? It could mean my own rebirth.

12:40 - I read a section I had taken from Thursday's newspaper. It was about old age, dementia, Alzheimer's. It was very timely that I read it today and it validated that what I am trying to do with my health - that is, exercising regularly, trying to eat right, keeping an eye on my cholesterol - is on the right path to preventing that which I fear most - losing my mind.

We'll see what the rest of the day holds. I'm not sure if I will attempt Level 2 or 3 today, but we'll see, the day is young.

Day 14 - Releasing Victim Thinking, Choosing Your Life (Day 1 for me)

I was planning on starting Soul Coaching tomorrow, the first day of the Fire week. But after I woke up and came downstairs, I sat down and read today's entry in Denise Linn's book. It seemed so appropriate for what I was feeling already this morning, I thought I would plunge in. Denise Linn, in her introductory, says start when you feel it's right...and somehow, that was today, the last day of the water week.

It was raining this morning and has been all day. After I got up from bed I weighed myself, as I usually do, particularly on Saturdays because I go to the morning Weight Watcher's meeting. I was up another pound and immediately started with the negative talk. "Why can't I stop binging when I'm upset? Why can't I get control of myself?" etc. So, it was funny (or serendipitous) to read in Soul Coaching that today's Level 1 task was to take negative questions and make them noble questions. Sometimes I feel like I've cornered the market on negative questions, so this exercise would likely be challenging...and it was.

Using Denise's sample questions, I came up with my own version of noble questions:
1. How can I nourish and strengthen my body and build a positive self-image?
2. How can I feel more abundant?
3. How can I honour myself?

I tried the Level 2 questions, using the situation at work. I am clearly being bullied by a superior and quite honestly feel victimized but can't figure my way out of it. I could answer question 1 and 2. But when it came to answering number 3 and 4, I couldn't even begin. I've gone back to those questions throughout the day, and still have no answer. I know Denise says the answers are within each of us, but at this point at time, I still don't have an answer. I'm hoping it may come to me through this journey.

Level 3 exercise was good...I addressed very painful, pivotal events in my life and feel some peace after repeating the affirmation. Even events from my childhood. I think over time I have come to peace with them, but this felt like it was a good cleansing... how very appropriate for the last day of the water week.

Interesting email

Just on the eve of starting the Soul Coaching I received this email from my fitness trainer, so I thought I would post part of it here.

St. Theresa's Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Soul Coaching

I've decided to join a book club blog using Denise Linn's book, Soul Coaching. It's 28 days to enlightenment, so something similar. It feels a lot like Julia Cameron's an Artist's Way. I found that book was extremely helpful when my mom was sick and following her death. I've read some of the blogs of the members of this book club and they all seem so thoughtful, most either artist or in some way in pursuit of a creative life. That's what I want, and I suppose for the most part, that's what I have...only it's not in the form that I wish.

Since I'm starting the book mid-way through, I will be starting tomorrow which will be the first day of the Fire Week. I've read the section and the day's focus is facing one's fears. All day, that's what I've been thinking about my fears...