A visit from Nela*

Once again...when I am feeling so low, a student I have worked with drops by for a visit. I was thinking of Nela* for some time. When she came to my school she was a grade 10 student full of fire. A bright young girl who could easily have taken the wrong path. My mission was to keep her on track with school and extra-curriculars that kept her out of trouble. A young girl with a troubled past, emotional at times and, even, inconsolable. On Wednesday, I would describe myself as inconsolable. It was the day before my father's pre-op appointments at the hospital in preparation for his amputation. I got to work and thought I would look up the school Nela* had gone to and call the administrator to find out how she was doing. I had come in to work thinking I would look him up other times but this particular day, I really needed to hear good news...at least, that's what I was hoping to hear.

Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.

After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.

Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.

(*not her real name)

12 Secrets - Chapter 1 - Acknowledging Your Creative Self

My earliest memories of considering my own future were from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I would pretend I was a math professor. Why? Probably because my father kept calling my his little "professor". I knew enough that a professor was a teacher, so that's what a lot of my pretend play was....that and dreams of being a fashion designer. My mother was a seamstress and worked as a home-sewer. She would get big boxes of apron-pieces delivered to our home and sew them for pay by piecework. I was about 4 when she taught me to sew. We sat at her industrial sewing machine with me in her lap and, while she worked the foot pedal, I fed the fabric through the presser foot. I remember how thrilling it was to take two pieces of fabric and make one thing out them! My mother sewed all my Barbie clothes until I was able to sew my own. My mother told me that the first time she realized I was sewing on my own was when she noticed a button crudely sewn on to my sweater. The button was crudely sewn on with different coloured thread. She asked my father if he had sewn it on, and he said he hadn't, that's when she realized I had done it - I was in kindergarten.

I have such wonderful memories sewing. As a teenager, I made my formal clothes - dresses for weddings, dances, and other similar events. As a working woman in my twenties, I made many of my work wear - suits, skirts, pants, shirts. When I was pregnant, I made many of my maternity wear and when I had my kids, I sewed their play clothes, coats, Sunday clothes, etc. I also enjoy quilt-making, applique, embroidery and needlepoint. My mother taught me to knit when I was about 8 and my aunt taught me to crochet and I have been enjoying both since.

In school, I loved art and started to show real promise by grade 7. I was particularly interested in portraiture and did many detailed portraits, in pencil, of celebrities I was "in crush" with. Unfortunately, I have none of the art from those years as my art teacher kept them for her portfolio. Little did I know what they would mean to me in my later years. I do have my sketch book from my senior year in high school, but everything before that was thrown out (my mom was a bit of a clean freak). I loved drawing! In grade 13, I was focused on going to art school to become a commercial artist. My parents did not support this idea, as they did not see a future - meaning, how would I make money to support myself? This didn't bother me as much as one of my art teacher's comments (which would prove to be the negative voice I still hear in the back of my mind) - she said "Lillian, you couldn't be a commercial artist because you are not confident enough." I wasn't but hearing it from a person in authority sealed the deal for me. I was so devastated.

Since then, I have not stopped creating - through needle-crafts, writing, living, and exploring - but every time I think about living a more fully creative life, I stop. I have enjoyed the journey of Soul Coaching and looked forward to 12 Secrets, but as I was reading Chapter 1 and reflecting on my own life - challenges and successes, I kept thinking "how can I change my life when I have all these responsibilities and commitments?" It's almost like staring at a blank canvas.

Like many of you, I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed at 32 and have been living a full-life by focusing on my nutrition and exercise - truly the only things that have really helped me (as medications were a real fiasco). I am 50 years old and I am still pursuing a dream...isn't it too late? Shouldn't I just forget about it and honour all the gifts that I have been given? Can I live with that deep sadness about never have pursued my passion? Is it even still my passion? And the most important question, what if I figure it all out and still can't actually DO anything about it?!?!