Eating Clean

I haven't been writing for a long time as I've been extremely busy taking care of my dad and trying to get his home ready for rental. My father seems to be getting better and I say this with some trepidation because I don't want to "jinx" him. It's very likely that he will go into a long-term care facility and I will have to supplement his pension in order to ensure a spot for him in one of the facilities I think are best for our circumstances.

Meanwhile, the battle of the menopausal budge continues! A few months ago I purchased Tosca Reno's book, The Eat-Clean Diet, and flipped through it and tried to follow it halfheartedly. I also purchased her cookbook and workout book thinking it would help me "do it right." Not so easy!

In search of a summer routine

At the end of every school year educators and educational workers transition into summer mode; only, for me, that transition is not a smooth process. I usually feel like I hit a wall, face first. There is a sense of loss, mourning. The end of a school year. This year, in particular, the end of my time at a particular school. The loss of relationships, friendships. The loss of routine...which I crave.

Summer usually marks a period of disarray for me. The need to find routine, the need to find my place. When the kids were little, I would program our summer activities...create a routine, a summer "normal." You would think after all these years, I would get used to it, but I haven't. Every year is a new challenge; a new summer normal has to be created. This summer marks one year since my father got sick. One year of medical appointments. One year of doctors and hospitals. One year of worry, confusion, and sadness. One whole year. My father is scheduled to be on a tapered course of antibiotics until he’s done on July 24th. Then what?

Today was an especially tough one as I watched Michael Jackson's memorial and was reminded of so many memories from my childhood. Tomorrow I go into work for the morning and then, technically, I’m done until late August. So, why am I not relaxing and enjoying the release from the fast and hectic pace of an urban high school?

It’s summer…and I need a routine.

Ups and downs

My father's health has been getting better, for the most part, these past few weeks. He was becoming more like himself, until this evening. Since he's been in the hospital, I've visited almost every evening for dinner. If I haven't been able to make it, one of my kids has. Last night, I didn't go and couldn't get one of the kids to go.

When I went to see him this evening, he was quiet. Not quite himself. He started eating and I helped, as always, we were talking but he kept asking if we were home yet. Or, can we go home now.

...easing into summer

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I'm hoping my father will be well enough to finally leave the hospital. He's tired and wants to get on with life. Since he's been on the anti-depressants, he seems more like himself. He's talking about going home, about his garden, about things he cares about.

I'm hoping I can pull myself together after the past few years and get on track with both my body and my career. It's really sad that when stress hits, I hit myself - I fill my body with all the crap I try not to eat or drink. I head straight for the chocolate, or the chips and coke, or the bottle of wine, or whatever is in the pantry that doesn't resemble any food found in nature.

Few days to Ride to Conquer Cancer

It's only a few days away...The Ride to Conquer Cancer. I was hoping to ride this year, but the reality is I couldn't fund raise under the present circumstances. But, even still, I raised close to $2000.00. My daughter and I will be part of the Sweep Crew - this means we will be driving one of the vehicles that picks up riders who give us the thumbs down and are unable to complete any leg of the ride. Each team is responsible for decorating their vehicle...we've decided to use a pychedelic theme and call ourselves the CYCLEDELICS. At this point, God willing, I'm playing to ride next year and will start fund-raising this summer with a garage sale or two, and take it from there.

My dad has been fairly well for 6 days. His spirits are lifted. He's trying to eat and thinking of foods I can bring him that he has an appetite for. I am hopeful again, although it scares me to be. My wish is that he feels well enough to go back to the long-term care facility and maybe learn how to get around in a wheelchair. He was hoping to get a prothetic leg, but I'm not sure that is realistic. He has lost a lot of weight and I don't know whether he can get his strength back. His birthday is later this month and I would love to take him out of the hospital for a celebration. I'll keep my fingers crossed and continue praying.

Wishcasting well wishes

Wishcasting Wednesday, that Jamie has going, is really something else. I made my wish this morning and a bunch of wonderful people responded with their well-wishes and miraculously (or not) my father seemed so much brighter tonight when I visited.

Over the weekend, he was quite down and insistent on me arranging a haircut for him in preparation for the inevitable. I resisted, telling him he wasn't going anywhere, but that I'd order a hair cut just to freshen him up. The hairdresser made it today and he got his cut (a crew cut, which is strangely funny because my father has always had a " '50's haircut"). He was eating on his own, and, with some help from me, ate a good portion of his food, not everything, but he did not refuse, which has been the norm as of late.

I decided to shampoo him since he was in such good spirits so I bundled him at the neck with towels and shampooed and rinsed his hair. He asked for a second lather/rinse, which I did and by the end of it he was laughing with joy. So, I carried on with the "spa treatment", shaved him, washed his hands, cut his nails and got the nurse to change his sheets and gown. He was smiling and laughing, asking me if I still wanted him around. "Are you kidding?!!? Of course I do!"

All in all it was a nice visit, one that I haven't had in a long time. I think either the anti-depressants are kicking in or God heard all the well-wishes and made him feel better. I like to believe the later. Thank you.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today's wish question is:

What is your wish for June?

My wish for June is for my father to get strong enough to leave the hospital and get on with his new life as an amputee. My wish is for my father to be enlighten that this is not the end of the rope and that he can continue to live a full life, even though it might not the same life he had before his leg was amputated.

I wish my father would start eating again, regardless of whether he thinks hospital food is good or not, but that he will see how important it is to eat in the journey back to health. I wish he will live to see his 84th birthday on June 24th. And I wish for the strength to be there for him without losing myself completely, as I feel parts of me have chipped away and fallen by the wayside.

I wish health for my father and peace for myself.

The toll of stress

The past few days have just been incredibly stressful. My father's emotions are swinging from one end to the other. On Sunday, he was so down, asking to have his hair cut in preparation for his passing. By all medical accounts, he is stable and should be doing well. His emotional well-being though is not well. They started him on anti-depressants which (I hope) will be kicking in soon. As his emotions flucuate, so do mine. As a result, I am exhausted both physically and mentally to the point that I opted out of going to work this morning so I could start the day off slowly. I will be going to the hospital to see him, run some errands, and then off to work. This morning, I was able to wrap up a report that I've been trying to get to for 4 days but, because of the busy-ness at work, have not been able to complete it. The announcement of my move to a new building was made public and I am so very happy about that. Now when things are rough at work, I think about the new beginning in September and can get through my day.

My weight has been flucuating as badly as my emotions. I am retaining water like a sponge. I start the day off with the intentions to stick to my eating and exercise plan, then by the end of the day, I'm off the rails. I suspose I should focus on actually getting through the day and not beat myself up when I don't honour myself by eating properly and exercising. I think I have to preserve what mental well-being I have left to help me get through the next few months. I am trying to remain positive through all this, with the hope my father will get stronger.

WW Saturday

Went to a different meeting this morning so I could meet up with my friend. This group was very lively and the leader was really perky...perky in a good way, not in an annoying way. I weighed in and was down 0.4 lb from last week. This is good, although on my scale I was down 1.0 lbs, so I have to think about which weight I'll be recording in my little tracker at the top of this blog.

I always leave the WW meetings feeling so inspired...but then by about Tuesday it all peters out. I think having my weight loss journey "out there" as opposed to secretly tucked away in my kitchen table drawer, might be an excellent motivator for me to stay on track.

Today I was hoping to get a bunch of errands done, in addition to seeing my dad at lunch and dinner. He seems to be a bit better and I say this cautiously. He's out of isolation and now has a roommate, which I know he likes. They've put him on an anti-depressant to deal with the downward spiraling emotional state and he's laughing -- laughing almost too much, but it's better than the constant crying.

As I am committing to taking care of myself, I promise to fit in cardio again today and really work on get a rhythm back to re-integrate strength training because it was when I was doing regular strength training with the trainer that I was really losing weight. It's been since she left that I've done none and the weight's come back on.

Wishes

What a wonderful day yesterday was! Starting with the wishcasting and the lovely return wishes! The day went pretty well, I visited my father and he seemed like his old self - he's been up and down the past month. The hospital has given him some medication to deal with his emotional health. Looks like he'll be out of isolation soon, he's beat the c-dif and hopefully won't get it again. My wish for him is that he returns to the rehab hospital and continues working toward getting a prosthetic leg.

Work was terrific...mostly because I worked offsite! Started my day relaxed, got a lot of work done - it's amazing how much you can get done when no one bothers you! And at the end of the day, I got the good news that I've been praying and WISHING for!

Thank you, fellow wishcasters, maybe wishes do come true!

Today, I stuck to my diet mostly...and I found I wasn't craving anything. I was down a pound this morning, but the real weigh in that counts is the one at WW. I haven't fit in exercise this week, except for what I did on the weekend, so I have to get shaking with that. Speaking of shaking, I totally miss taking belly-dancing. I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to fit it back it. I just loved those classes.

Tonight, I was at my drawing class...I also come back from that class feeling so peaceful. Three hours of uninterrupted drawing, what a pleasure!! I need to practice more...I did better my first week, in that I drew everyday. Well...add that to my "to do" list too...

:-)

Thursday May 14, 2009

Just got back from my drawing course. What a great experience. It turns out, a friend of mine as original painting she bought years back, from the artist-instructor for my course! What a small world...I've admired that painting for years and here I am learning from the artist himself. Tonight we were working from a live model. I forgot how tiring drawing for three hours can be!

Before going to class, I dropped by the hospital to visit my father. He was sitting up, which hasn't happened for about a month. I'm feeling hopeful. He's a two bouts with c-difficile - which is a highly contagious bacterial infection people get in hospitals. The first time he got it, he was sent from the rehab hospital to emerg in our local hospital. It turned out he had also had a heart attack. Things just seemed to spin out of control within a very short period of time. Since then, he's been in isolation, which is really, really difficult on him. I was sharing the visiting with my daughter, but she's started her work term and isn't available to visit him...so, it's up to me to visit every night. I get there around 5 or 5:30 and sit with him until his dinner arrives, then I feed him, wash his hands, face and teeth, and get him ready for sleep, then I go home. So my life right now is work-hospital-home-sleep, work-hospital-home-sleep, and so on.

The differences from nurse to nurse is amazing. One time I got there after the food arrived. When I walked into the room, after getting dressed in the isolation gear you have to put on, there was a nurse standing beside his bed with one hand on her hip, the other hand holding a spoon of food in front of my father, and my father's face covered in food. I could not believe my eyes. I quickly dismissed her. Cleaned him up, fed him. Got him ready for bed. Then went straight to complain. Since then, I have not missed a dinner, and haven't seen anything so dispassionate again. Now...I'm hoping and praying the meals (breakfast and lunch) that the nurses DO feed him, go a bit better than what I witnessed.

It sucks being an only child, the responsibility and burden is incredible. Trying to care for a parent, as well as caring for your family...and trying to squeeze out time for yourself is an almost impossible task. I'm not doing anything well and I feel bad all the time. That's why I abandoned all the exercise and "fun" stuff I did. BUT, with this drawing course, I'm trying to get myself back on track and try to care for myself too.

March 21, 2009

My father had his surgery February 17th. His leg, above the knee, was amputated. The week to ten days following the surgery was very difficult. He was on morphine and quite loopy. It wasn't my father in that bed and it was quite disconcerting for me. I asked the hospital staff to change his pain medication to something less strong as my father has not been someone who used a lot of pain medication before. He came around to himself and is on the mend. From the hospital, they have moved him to a rehabilitation hospital where he is getting some support for building up his body to allow him to manage himself. It's not going too fast as he's been resisting. My hubby came with me to visit one day and expressed how important the physiotherapy was to my father's healing. He bought into that and the next day was participating in the physio class.

The problem I am having, as I was having at the other hospital too, is communication. While at the first hospital the nursing staff, doctors, and social workers would be asking my father to make decisions, or give opinion, etc. Well, he didn't know what they were talking about and he would give simple 'yes', 'no' answeres. When I told them it was important I be involved as he was BLIND and HARD OF HEARING - it was as if I dropped a rock on their heads. I had made sure that information was everywhere....I made sure my numbers were EVERYWHERE. Yet, in the end, no one had any idea. DON'T YOU PEOPLE READ THE PATIENT'S CHART???? Anyway, same thing here. I have let them know I am not appreciative of the lack of communication.

Things are getting better. Spring is here. It's been sunny this past week. And my dad seems to be doing better. Time heals....and I need to have the patience to let that time pass.

Secret 8: Selecting Empowering Partnerships & Alliances

Although I have not been able to travel this journey with you all this time, I have been following some of your journeys. I felt compelled to write this morning as I am one of the hardest journey's of my own. My father has been ill and has been in hospital now for about two weeks. I have been going to see him to help him eat, etc. before work when he wakes and after work until he goes to sleep.

What I have found in this experience is that empowering partnerships and alliances sometimes develop without our intent. In my father's room is another older gentleman and staying with him is his daughter. We have formed a bond that I didn't expect and am quite grateful for. She has become my rock in dealing with my father. She has given me strength, hope and courage. And although this is not a creative alliance, for now, this is what I need.

I hope to rejoin you on your creative journey through the 12 Secrets, but right now I am on a different path.

Peace and love to everyone and thank you to Jamie creating such a great forum for meeting of like souls.

Upcoming surgery

Well, that's it...we're here. My father will have his leg amputated next week. What a trial all this has been. This week, in particular, has been very difficult. It seems every time we have a really bad week, you can't imagine it get worse...and then it does! We booked the surgery as a below-the-knee amputation, then this Wednesday the surgeon called me at work. He asked me if I had any questions, I said no, then after an awkward pause, I told him what I understood the plan to be with respect to the upcoming pre-surgical appointment and then the surgery date and procedure. That's when he said, "ya, about that..." He went on to say he had had a chance to read over my father's file and felt that a below-the-knee amputation might not heal properly due to the vascular condition. That there may not be enough circulation below the knee to heal properly and he felt an above-the-knee would be a better choice to avoid a second surgically procedure. I explained, that the hope of a prosthetic leg was what was keeping my father going and I couldn't guess how he would take this news, but also, that I would relay the new information to my father.

The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.

By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.

I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.

So much pain...

The date is booked and we are all grieving. My father and I met with Dr. W of TEGH - an orthopedic surgeon - who will be doing the surgery. He explained the surgery and the risks. Because of my father's lack of circulation, the below the knee amputation is not looking promising, but it is the surgery they will be doing in order for my father to be fitted with a prosthesis. If it does not heal, they will "revise" the surgery - meaning, they will have a second surgery and cut above the knee. It's funny...(not ha-ha funny) but as I sit here typing it I'm numb. I've have to come to terms with this in the last couple of weeks and am just numb. At work, I have tried to get everything done in case the inevitable occurs. I've done all the work I can for Feb and March.

I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.

Difficult times

Although I try to keep this blog focused on creative endeavours...aside from cooking and baking, the creative endeavours have been limited. My father is quite ill and I have been taking care of him. Running to doctors and various hospitals in order to try and save his leg, which, unfortunately will be amputated in a week. My father has had type 2 diabetes for about 40 years and he's never managed it well. Always a very stubborn man, he would never listen to advice from his only child - me! And, now, here we are. It is because of him, I am determined to try and be as healthy as I can be so my children don't have to go through what I am going through. Caring for an elderly parent is extremely difficult as your attentions are divided between children, spouse, work, home, and (if you can squeeze it in) self.

The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.

I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?

Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"

Don't understand what this all means...

I had a very interesting day today. It's been a rough week, in terms of caring for my father and get a handle on long-term care facilities and trying to navigate that maze.

Today, my mission was to get in touch with one of the long-term care facilities that would be cultural familiar for my father. After a week of being stone-walled, I thought I would start my day by trying to get through one more time. I phoned first thing in the morning. The young man was very friendly and kind, as I explained the difficulty I was having reaching the administrator in order to arrange a tour. He was understanding and apologetic and asked me my name, promising he would pass on the info to the administrator personally. I gave him my first name and started spelling my last...when he interrupted me and said "Miss, don't you recognize my voice. It's George!" And I did!! George was a former student of mine. I thought it sounded like him (he had a very distinct voice) but thought "what are the odds!" He assured me the home was a good one, but that reaching the administration was sometimes difficult. He said he'd pass on my info and get the administrator to call me. Which she did, 10 minutes later.

After an unproductive conversation with this 'administrator', I had planned on seeing my father to sign the application to enter a long-term care facility...but before I did that, I decided to go to a yoga class to try to relax. It's been a terribly stressful time, and I have not been exercising at all - and my stress is coming up in angry outbursts.

As I walk in to the gym, one of the young guys that work sales there, steps in front of me and says "Miss, I don't know if you remember me. My name is David S..." And I did!!! Wow! Two former students in one morning! He told me was he was up to and how he was doing. He seemed happy to see me and happy to share his success. What a high! I was so happy for him AND happy that he spoke to me!

So, up to the yoga class I go, and in walks a young woman who looks very familiar, but I couldn't place her. The instructor came in soon after and class was an intense 75 minutes of yoga. After the class, the young woman walks over to me and I recognized her (couldn't remember her name) and she said "Miss P, do you remember me?" Once again, I did!!! She told me her name and what she was up to and that she had just inquired at my old school for my info. She was going to contact me for a reference, how timely was today's meeting. I assured her she could use me as a reference and off we went.

When I got to the bank, to pay some bills for my father, I saw another former student...only we were both in seperate lines and didn't get a chance to talk.

I can't understand why all this happened, all in one day...all students I had worried about...all students who had a number of challenges in high school when I knew them...and all happy to share their success with me. It made my day....all I could think about was how fortunate I have been in my life to have taught wonderful young people. I wish they could know how much I've actually cared about their well-being and how I've prayed they found success.

After all this, I went to my dad's and had him sign the papers. He understands he may not be returning to his home after his surgery, but I tried to be hopeful telling him that if he got better, he might be able to come home. I have to hold that hope for him...and for myself. He was very tearful. I try to be strong for him and hide my grief so I cry in the car a lot when I'm driving from his home. I'm thankful for a lot in my life but I'm in so much pain right now, that I can't appreciate them.

What a week!

What a week it's been. Starting with my father refusing the hyperbaric treatment to ending with my father signing the long-term care application. And, in between, a whirlwind of events. After talking with Dr. D on Monday, he suggested I proceed with organizing the application for long-term care. I prepared the paperwork, but wanted to go look at the homes before I ranked the homes I was interested in. What a nightmare. I decided to go to the one I really think would be best for my father, and it was tough. Seeing the residents, many non-verbal and immobile, was really difficult. The coordinator assured me there was cognitive residents and that they would arrange it so my father would meet with them and he would have friends there.

The second home I tried to see, I couldn't. Why? Cause the administration was terrible - after not receiving any replies to my voicemail, I thought I would just drop in. Well, I stood at the counter as the receptionist conversed on the phone -- clearly a personal call. She didn't even pause when I walked up to the desk. Just chit-chatted away, as I stood clearing my throat, hoping she'd get the drift and get off the phone. Once off, she was just as helpful - NOT! Totally pointless waste of my time. Like a miracle, this morning when I call again, the person who answered the phone, turned out to be a former student of mine and he promised to personally pass on my message. The administrator called me back in 10 minutes! Interesting. Still, I can't go see the place until next week.

The third place, which is well-known and well-respected, has organized tours and I'll be seeing that in a couple of weeks.

Refusing treatment

I woke up this morning prepared to take my father to TGH for his hyperbaric treatment. When I called him to tell him I was on my way he said he wasn't going. He said he was thinking about it all night and does not want to continue the treatment. It was too hard for him to go everymorning. I suggested getting a later appointment and he answered flat out "NO. I don't want to." I told him the consequences of not recieving this therapy and he said he didn't care. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. He seemed apprehensive on Friday, repeatedly asking me if he had to do this for 5 weeks. The fact that the weather is absolutely horrific, even for Canada, isn't helping much. It's so difficult to get around.

After I spoke with him, I phoned Dr. D at TEGH and have made an appointment with Dr. O, my father's family doctor - in order to sign the application papers for long-term care. Thursday we see Dr. D and then plan next steps. I feel numb, not sure our future. Not sure of too much right now.

This past week...

everything moved very rapidly from Monday to Friday. I had planned on taking next week of for a couple of reasons - one to complete the Cognitive Coaching Workshop (which is two days) and secondly to accompany my father to his doctor's appointment without worrying about rushing back to work. As it turns out, that is not exactly what I will be doing.

This past Tuesday, when I checked my voicemail at work (didn't get one minute on Monday to check messages), there was a message from the doctor at the Hyperbaric Medicine unit at TGH. He said he had an open slot for my father and wanted to start right away. I didn't return the call, as I was paralyzed with the thought of figuring out what to do. I called Dr. D at TEGH, and left him a message questioning whether we were going to proceed with hyperbaric treatment or not. Dr. D called Wednesday, indicating that the results of December's test were positive and that he recommended we schedule the appointment and start therapy. Wednesday, when I got in touch with Dr. E at TGH, he asked we come in the next day. I told him that it would not work for me as I had a number of work commitments, plus that I want him and Dr. D to actually TALK to one another before I would agree to take my father to any therapy. They spoke and later that day, we had scheduled my father for his first treatment on Friday morning. On Thursday, when we were confirming the appointment Dr. E suggested an addition consult with Dr. C at St.M's Hospital (this is the vascular surgeon) to look at the feasibility of vascular bypass. The appointment was scheduled for Friday after the treatment.

Friday at 7:00, I picked up my father and off we went to TGH. When we arrived, we were directed to change into the clothing they provide that is "tank safe" and my father entered the hyperbaric chamber for about 2 hours. After that, we cabbed over to St. Mike's and met with Dr. C (who has to be one of the biggest "downers" I have ever met). Dr. C is well respected (so I'm told) in his field, but bed-side manner is greatly lacking. He went on to say, basically, that he didn't think the hyperbaric treatment would help my father and that all doctor's have biases toward their area of speciality. Well, I guess you have to be a door knob not to know they have biases...DA! I expressed to him that I knew this fact but that, unfortunately, these doctor's were all I had in terms of opinion with which I could make a decision. As it stands, I am the sole decision matter, as my father as left it to me. Without siblings, the best I get from those around me who care about me is "it's really up to you Lillian...I don't know what to say." And what can people say, it's such an awful decision - to amputate and face an unknown future or to not amputate and die. This is what I have to decide for my father.

So, for now we are continuing with hyperbaric, but all that might change again on Monday, I don't know. My father said he got a call from TEGH, from Dr. D's colleague, saying my father should come in and get his intravenous pack removed. My father has had a portable intravenous antibiotics pack since August, and my understanding was it was staying until the hyperbaric treatment was over or until the amputation. Since the hyperbaric treatment has just begun and the amputation has not been planned...I don't know why he would call and say that!? We'll have to see on Monday. I'm hoping my father mis-heard him but don't know. I'm hoping and praying for the best but preparing for the worst.