Bad news...

I got the news from the vascular surgeon yesterday...they can't do a bypass surgery on my dad's leg because there are too many blockages in his veins to support the surgery. That means, if things don't miraculously get better (or, conversely, don't get worse) my father might have to have his lower leg amputated. I don't know what to do. I am so worried about him. I have talked with his case manager from the Community Care Access Centre and she's set up some supports for him. I think I need to think about long-term care. I don't know what to do...I hate this...I feel so bad for him.

I don't know if he understood what I told him regarding this doctor's news. He seemed happy - I think he confused this surgical option with the surgery for removing the leg. I'm not sure. He said something that really disturbed me. He said that he was happy with how much time he's had. I didn't pursue the conversation as I think I knew what he meant.

New goals?

For me, it's about goal setting. If I can set a goal, it gives me something to work towards. And...somehow or other, I figure things out.

I was thinking about my situation, and the extreme unhappiness I'm having with respect to work-place statisfaction. I thought about what had made me happy about work and how I can get back to that place. I enjoyed teaching...as an adminstrator I work with disgruntled people - kids, parents, teachers - rarely do they come in to tell me something good, mostly just problems or concerns. Teaching - interacting with students - developing curriculum - seeing the light in my students eyes as the lesson clicked for them -- that was joy. How can I get back to that joy and pursue "art happiness."

Two things happened this past week - one, a casual conversation with a friend and second, a trip to the library.

The conversation: My friend AH is program coordinator for a Continuing Education program and was talking about how great that experience is in contrast to role in the day as administrator. It's a role she enjoys...meeting people who want to learn - whether it's for pleasure, interest or somehow work-related. Teachers who are keen to share what they know.

The trip to the Library: I wanted to take out the South Beach diet book because I want to kick start my weight loss and get that last 10 pounds off (yes, I know, famous last words). While there I browsed in the Art section and found a spiral bound book by Nancy Reyner - Acrylic Revolution: New Tricks and Techniques for Working with the World's Most Versatile Medium. I took the books out and when I was going through Acrylic Revolution I thought about how someone could use it as a textbook for experimenting in art.

Then the idea: I thought how great it would be to teach a night school course through Con Ed. We could explore the versatility of acrylics and do a sampling of exercises from the book. Anyway, I was so excited I sat down and started preparing a ten week lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN. Something I haven't done in almost 5 years. It was fun! I told AH about it and she got all excited and wants me to commit to teaching at her school in January.

Well...I put the brakes on that. I can't see it happening this year...but maybe next September. I (once again) don't have the confidence in myself...which is crazy, 'cause one of the courses I taught one year was a course on PhotoShop - which I had never used before!! Yet, the kids did great, produced some amazing work, and I felt great about it at the end of the year!!

Hmm....something to think about.

Update on my life...

It's been many months since my last post. Since then, I have turned 50, have been taking belly dancing classes, cycled 200 kilometers from Toronto to Niagara Falls, pulled out from the promotion track at work 'cause I'm taking care of my ailing father, lost about 10 pounds, and am still dreaming of being a painter. So, with all the things I have achieved, what is holding me back from a dream I've had since I was a child. What stops me? Fear? Self-confidence? Self-esteem? Well? Yes, all of the above. The fear I have is the voice in my head that says "who am I to think I am an artist without 'training' or 'education'?" Thanks to this core fear I have very little self-confidence and low self-esteem. This is a perfect example of self-sabotage or a self fulfilling prophecy.

How do I create a new self fulfilling prophecy? This is the question. This is my quest.

what's tough about being an only child?

You're the only one. The only one to take care of your mother when she is dying. The only one to take care of your father with whom you have never really had a good relationship. The only one to make a decision on elder care for a father who has always been strong and is in both physical pain from a terrible infection on his diabetes ravaged body and is mentally in pain because he can't be the strong father figure his only daughter has always know.

What's so tough about being an only child? There is no one else to share stories from when you were a child. There's no one else to share in the pain when you lost your mother and are watching your father grow weaker as he grows older.

What's so tough? There are only the memories you have...alone. The stories you try to share with your family who really don't understand or, maybe, don't care because they have their own memories they are building.

It's tough being an only child...even when you're 50.

On being 50

I started this blog with the intention of tracking my weight loss and exercise as I trained for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Since I turned 50 this past May, there has been a change in my perspective on life. No big surprise, this is what every 50-year-old professes. But, it is happening to me now, so it matters more.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer was a challenge I took up as a way to honour my mom and fund-raise in her memory. I had wanted to do something for her, but nothing seemed to fit, until I heard about this event. I've also signed up as a volunteer for Sunnybrook Hospital's Underwear Affair - for cancers below the waist. My grandmother died of ovarian cancer, so this will be a way to do something for her. I have also signed up for next year's Ride.

I'm restructuring my priorities. I'm not sure work is the be-all and end-all for me as it once was. I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo. So, in the meantime, I am taking on challenges and trying things. One of those things is belly-dancing. I've wanted to do this for years and years...and this was the year!!! I love it...I can't even express how much fun it is and how freeing being able to dance is. My dream, as a child, was to be a dancer...and in some ways, this fulfills that dream.

That comes to the change in focus of this blog. I will continue my enternal battle of the bulge, but I will enjoy exploring and trying new things and write on being 50.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer - Day 2

We got home late from the hospital so I didn't take a shower before bed...I just wanted to sleep. We got up early Sunday morning, showered and joined everyone for breakfast...only...everyone had breakfast earlier than us and were on their bikes ready for the 'start'. Oh well...we took out time, which later proved to be problematic as we were at the end of the 'biker pack.'

I was determined to ride the ENTIRE course this day. But as the day went on we lagged behind. I was ENJOYING THE SCENERY which not everyone else seem to be doing. It was so beautiful. When we got up to the top of the escarpment my breath was just taken with the beauty. Even though it was overcast, it was spectacular!!

We continued on. Mia was worried about me and kept asking if I was OK. I know she was frustrated because she kept having to stop to wait for me to catch up. I wasn't intending on over-exerting myself, so that didn't make anything better. I wasn't in a rush...it wasn't a race...I was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I was actually taking up such a challenge and that even greater than that I was doing it for people who have a fight 100 times greater than my issues that day. I was so inspired by the survivors on the Ride and the stories from other riders and family and friends they had lost and were dedicating their rides for. For me, my mother was foremost in my mind. I think she would have been proud...for certain, she would have thought I was nuts...but she would have been proud for fundraising and trying to help in whatever capacity I could do.
This was a great weekend, no matter what! Near the end of the Ride, Mia became really worried about me and that we wouldn't make it to the finish line. She flagged over one of the sweep vehicles and was talking to them. By the time I reached them, they asked if they could take us up to within 3 km of the finish line and drop us off. We had done about 90 km so far and I did not want to give up - I was determined I would do the whole 100 km and ride across the finish line. I looked at Maria and asked her if this is what she wanted to do. She nodded 'yes' and I agreed for her sake. I was angry but I didn't want to upset Mia more.
The sweep vehicle dropped us off 3 km before the finish line and we rode in across the finish line. There were cheerers along the path and the announcer called out that our group was coming in. Mia crossed first and, as the cheerers were cheering, turned to me and say "Why can't every day begin like this!" So funny...but true!
This was such a huge event in my life...after marriage and childbirth, of course...that everything else seems not as significant as it was before. This ride put things into perspective for me somehow. I can't explain how...but it did.
We've signed up for next year already.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer - Day 1

The Ride to Conquer Cancer came and went and we did great! Such a great day, such a great event. It started on Friday June 20th - Day Zero - down at the CNE in the Direct Energy Centre where we parked our bikes overnight, handed in the remainder of our donations, picked up jerseys, maps and our bike tags. Cancer survivors received an additional bike marker - a yellow flag attached to the rear wheel. It was amazing to see so many people...and to see so many survivors.



Saturday June 21st - Day One - we all picked up our bikes and gathered in the parking lot across from the Direct Energy Centre. Following the Opening Ceremonies we were let out onto Lakeshore Blvd. For the most part, the road was closed off up until around Malton. We were in Mississaugua by 10:30. I don't think I realized the scope of the ride...and quite frankly, I didn't think about it at all for precisely that reason. I think if I had consciously thought about what it meant to ride 200 kilometers, I would have scared myself silly and would not even have riden.



The weather was somewhat overcast, but it didn't rain ....which was good! There were cheerers along the way...so great! After lunch on the first day, we approached and reached the Niagara Escarpment. Boy, oh boy, was that tough! It was an upward climb, very hilly, and when I couldn't ride, I would get off my bike and walk up. Maria was taking the hills really agressively and was about half a kilometer ahead of me most of the way. It wasn't until we were almost at the third pit stop that I finally gave in and got a lift from the sweeper vehicles. I was sooo out of breath and my chest was killing me. Maria stayed on course and we met at the pit stop. There was still alot of hills left and I didn't think I could do the rest for that day - I had successfully rode about 70km the first day and I was not too proud or too stupid to continue when I didn't feel well enough - so I decided to take the bus into camp.

Maria decided to join me on the bus to Mohawk College in Hamilton. It was fun and there were a lot of people on it...many of them were very young and "fit-looking"...so I didn't feel so bad. We didn't stay in the camp, we had a suite in the Mohawk College Residence, so we went up, changed, and went down to the camp. I thought I'd go to the Medical Tent and talk to them about the chest pain I was having...and before I knew it, I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. Without going into the story...I was OK and sent 'home' with permission to continue the Ride the next day.