Although I have not been able to travel this journey with you all this time, I have been following some of your journeys. I felt compelled to write this morning as I am one of the hardest journey's of my own. My father has been ill and has been in hospital now for about two weeks. I have been going to see him to help him eat, etc. before work when he wakes and after work until he goes to sleep.
What I have found in this experience is that empowering partnerships and alliances sometimes develop without our intent. In my father's room is another older gentleman and staying with him is his daughter. We have formed a bond that I didn't expect and am quite grateful for. She has become my rock in dealing with my father. She has given me strength, hope and courage. And although this is not a creative alliance, for now, this is what I need.
I hope to rejoin you on your creative journey through the 12 Secrets, but right now I am on a different path.
Peace and love to everyone and thank you to Jamie creating such a great forum for meeting of like souls.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
A visit from Nela*
Once again...when I am feeling so low, a student I have worked with drops by for a visit. I was thinking of Nela* for some time. When she came to my school she was a grade 10 student full of fire. A bright young girl who could easily have taken the wrong path. My mission was to keep her on track with school and extra-curriculars that kept her out of trouble. A young girl with a troubled past, emotional at times and, even, inconsolable. On Wednesday, I would describe myself as inconsolable. It was the day before my father's pre-op appointments at the hospital in preparation for his amputation. I got to work and thought I would look up the school Nela* had gone to and call the administrator to find out how she was doing. I had come in to work thinking I would look him up other times but this particular day, I really needed to hear good news...at least, that's what I was hoping to hear.
Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.
After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.
Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.
(*not her real name)
Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.
After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.
Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.
(*not her real name)
Upcoming surgery
Well, that's it...we're here. My father will have his leg amputated next week. What a trial all this has been. This week, in particular, has been very difficult. It seems every time we have a really bad week, you can't imagine it get worse...and then it does! We booked the surgery as a below-the-knee amputation, then this Wednesday the surgeon called me at work. He asked me if I had any questions, I said no, then after an awkward pause, I told him what I understood the plan to be with respect to the upcoming pre-surgical appointment and then the surgery date and procedure. That's when he said, "ya, about that..." He went on to say he had had a chance to read over my father's file and felt that a below-the-knee amputation might not heal properly due to the vascular condition. That there may not be enough circulation below the knee to heal properly and he felt an above-the-knee would be a better choice to avoid a second surgically procedure. I explained, that the hope of a prosthetic leg was what was keeping my father going and I couldn't guess how he would take this news, but also, that I would relay the new information to my father.
The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.
By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.
I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.
The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.
By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.
I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So much pain...
The date is booked and we are all grieving. My father and I met with Dr. W of TEGH - an orthopedic surgeon - who will be doing the surgery. He explained the surgery and the risks. Because of my father's lack of circulation, the below the knee amputation is not looking promising, but it is the surgery they will be doing in order for my father to be fitted with a prosthesis. If it does not heal, they will "revise" the surgery - meaning, they will have a second surgery and cut above the knee. It's funny...(not ha-ha funny) but as I sit here typing it I'm numb. I've have to come to terms with this in the last couple of weeks and am just numb. At work, I have tried to get everything done in case the inevitable occurs. I've done all the work I can for Feb and March.
I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.
I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.
Difficult times
Although I try to keep this blog focused on creative endeavours...aside from cooking and baking, the creative endeavours have been limited. My father is quite ill and I have been taking care of him. Running to doctors and various hospitals in order to try and save his leg, which, unfortunately will be amputated in a week. My father has had type 2 diabetes for about 40 years and he's never managed it well. Always a very stubborn man, he would never listen to advice from his only child - me! And, now, here we are. It is because of him, I am determined to try and be as healthy as I can be so my children don't have to go through what I am going through. Caring for an elderly parent is extremely difficult as your attentions are divided between children, spouse, work, home, and (if you can squeeze it in) self.
The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.
I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?
Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"
The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.
I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?
Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"
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