Don't understand what this all means...

I had a very interesting day today. It's been a rough week, in terms of caring for my father and get a handle on long-term care facilities and trying to navigate that maze.

Today, my mission was to get in touch with one of the long-term care facilities that would be cultural familiar for my father. After a week of being stone-walled, I thought I would start my day by trying to get through one more time. I phoned first thing in the morning. The young man was very friendly and kind, as I explained the difficulty I was having reaching the administrator in order to arrange a tour. He was understanding and apologetic and asked me my name, promising he would pass on the info to the administrator personally. I gave him my first name and started spelling my last...when he interrupted me and said "Miss, don't you recognize my voice. It's George!" And I did!! George was a former student of mine. I thought it sounded like him (he had a very distinct voice) but thought "what are the odds!" He assured me the home was a good one, but that reaching the administration was sometimes difficult. He said he'd pass on my info and get the administrator to call me. Which she did, 10 minutes later.

After an unproductive conversation with this 'administrator', I had planned on seeing my father to sign the application to enter a long-term care facility...but before I did that, I decided to go to a yoga class to try to relax. It's been a terribly stressful time, and I have not been exercising at all - and my stress is coming up in angry outbursts.

As I walk in to the gym, one of the young guys that work sales there, steps in front of me and says "Miss, I don't know if you remember me. My name is David S..." And I did!!! Wow! Two former students in one morning! He told me was he was up to and how he was doing. He seemed happy to see me and happy to share his success. What a high! I was so happy for him AND happy that he spoke to me!

So, up to the yoga class I go, and in walks a young woman who looks very familiar, but I couldn't place her. The instructor came in soon after and class was an intense 75 minutes of yoga. After the class, the young woman walks over to me and I recognized her (couldn't remember her name) and she said "Miss P, do you remember me?" Once again, I did!!! She told me her name and what she was up to and that she had just inquired at my old school for my info. She was going to contact me for a reference, how timely was today's meeting. I assured her she could use me as a reference and off we went.

When I got to the bank, to pay some bills for my father, I saw another former student...only we were both in seperate lines and didn't get a chance to talk.

I can't understand why all this happened, all in one day...all students I had worried about...all students who had a number of challenges in high school when I knew them...and all happy to share their success with me. It made my day....all I could think about was how fortunate I have been in my life to have taught wonderful young people. I wish they could know how much I've actually cared about their well-being and how I've prayed they found success.

After all this, I went to my dad's and had him sign the papers. He understands he may not be returning to his home after his surgery, but I tried to be hopeful telling him that if he got better, he might be able to come home. I have to hold that hope for him...and for myself. He was very tearful. I try to be strong for him and hide my grief so I cry in the car a lot when I'm driving from his home. I'm thankful for a lot in my life but I'm in so much pain right now, that I can't appreciate them.

What a week!

What a week it's been. Starting with my father refusing the hyperbaric treatment to ending with my father signing the long-term care application. And, in between, a whirlwind of events. After talking with Dr. D on Monday, he suggested I proceed with organizing the application for long-term care. I prepared the paperwork, but wanted to go look at the homes before I ranked the homes I was interested in. What a nightmare. I decided to go to the one I really think would be best for my father, and it was tough. Seeing the residents, many non-verbal and immobile, was really difficult. The coordinator assured me there was cognitive residents and that they would arrange it so my father would meet with them and he would have friends there.

The second home I tried to see, I couldn't. Why? Cause the administration was terrible - after not receiving any replies to my voicemail, I thought I would just drop in. Well, I stood at the counter as the receptionist conversed on the phone -- clearly a personal call. She didn't even pause when I walked up to the desk. Just chit-chatted away, as I stood clearing my throat, hoping she'd get the drift and get off the phone. Once off, she was just as helpful - NOT! Totally pointless waste of my time. Like a miracle, this morning when I call again, the person who answered the phone, turned out to be a former student of mine and he promised to personally pass on my message. The administrator called me back in 10 minutes! Interesting. Still, I can't go see the place until next week.

The third place, which is well-known and well-respected, has organized tours and I'll be seeing that in a couple of weeks.

Such an important date in history - what an inspiration!

I am not one who is big on politics or up on world events. I have never had a great love of history or current events. I would say I have always had an "awareness" of what is going on, what has gone on, and hopeful about what might be.

What I have had the privilege of living through and remembering are a number of significant events in the past 50 years - President Kennedy's inauguration and assassination; Rev. Martin Luther King's impact on Civil Rights and his assassination; the landing of the first person on the moon; the devastating Colombia space shuttle explosion; September 11th, 2001; and today - the inauguration of President Obama. These are all days/dates that I remember exactly where I was and still feel the impressions left on me and their impact in my life.

What an amazing day! What a great speaker and writer! What an inspiring speech! I wish President Obama all the best and his family strength and courage to fulfil their new role.

I encouraged my children to try to get to a TV to watch this important event. I reminded them that this will be one of the days that they will remember when they are older. I reminded them that their grandparents came to Canada in hopes of a better life. I reminded them that their grandparents worked in sweat shops and diner kitchens to build a life, own a home, educate their child. In turn, their hard work for the lives of my children, their grandchildre. The expectations I have for them is that they honour their heritage and the sacrifices of their grandparents. I also reminded them that President Obama has repeated re-iterated what we have always said to our children - 'You can do anything you want, anything you set your mind too, and that nothing is too big to overcome.'

In this week of 12 Secrets - we look to our inspiration. In today's historic event I have my inspiration. I can do anything. Nothing is too big to overcome.

Silk Quilt

I have finally moved the silk samples I got years ago into my craft room. I have found a pattern and am planning to start making the quilt.

Refusing treatment

I woke up this morning prepared to take my father to TGH for his hyperbaric treatment. When I called him to tell him I was on my way he said he wasn't going. He said he was thinking about it all night and does not want to continue the treatment. It was too hard for him to go everymorning. I suggested getting a later appointment and he answered flat out "NO. I don't want to." I told him the consequences of not recieving this therapy and he said he didn't care. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. He seemed apprehensive on Friday, repeatedly asking me if he had to do this for 5 weeks. The fact that the weather is absolutely horrific, even for Canada, isn't helping much. It's so difficult to get around.

After I spoke with him, I phoned Dr. D at TEGH and have made an appointment with Dr. O, my father's family doctor - in order to sign the application papers for long-term care. Thursday we see Dr. D and then plan next steps. I feel numb, not sure our future. Not sure of too much right now.

Secret 2 - Honouring your Inspirations

Challenge: Creative Style Inventory





1. When did your creative awakening or reawakening occur?


It never went to sleep.





2. What talents do you have, naturally?


Humour. I'm an optimistic pessimist. I love sewing - any crafts using needlework really. I love painting (though I have to fight the negative self-talk).





3. Which elements (fire, water, wood, air) draw you toward them?


I think air and water.





4. Where and when do you create? Where and when do you wish to create?





5. What activates your creative energy, and what drains it?





6. Do you use creative rituals? Which ones? If not, invent some.





7. Does nature influence your creativity? How?





8. What has been your greatest creative hurdle so far?





9. What time of day are you most receptive to inspiration?

12 Secrets - Chapter 1 - Acknowledging Your Creative Self

My earliest memories of considering my own future were from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I would pretend I was a math professor. Why? Probably because my father kept calling my his little "professor". I knew enough that a professor was a teacher, so that's what a lot of my pretend play was....that and dreams of being a fashion designer. My mother was a seamstress and worked as a home-sewer. She would get big boxes of apron-pieces delivered to our home and sew them for pay by piecework. I was about 4 when she taught me to sew. We sat at her industrial sewing machine with me in her lap and, while she worked the foot pedal, I fed the fabric through the presser foot. I remember how thrilling it was to take two pieces of fabric and make one thing out them! My mother sewed all my Barbie clothes until I was able to sew my own. My mother told me that the first time she realized I was sewing on my own was when she noticed a button crudely sewn on to my sweater. The button was crudely sewn on with different coloured thread. She asked my father if he had sewn it on, and he said he hadn't, that's when she realized I had done it - I was in kindergarten.

I have such wonderful memories sewing. As a teenager, I made my formal clothes - dresses for weddings, dances, and other similar events. As a working woman in my twenties, I made many of my work wear - suits, skirts, pants, shirts. When I was pregnant, I made many of my maternity wear and when I had my kids, I sewed their play clothes, coats, Sunday clothes, etc. I also enjoy quilt-making, applique, embroidery and needlepoint. My mother taught me to knit when I was about 8 and my aunt taught me to crochet and I have been enjoying both since.

In school, I loved art and started to show real promise by grade 7. I was particularly interested in portraiture and did many detailed portraits, in pencil, of celebrities I was "in crush" with. Unfortunately, I have none of the art from those years as my art teacher kept them for her portfolio. Little did I know what they would mean to me in my later years. I do have my sketch book from my senior year in high school, but everything before that was thrown out (my mom was a bit of a clean freak). I loved drawing! In grade 13, I was focused on going to art school to become a commercial artist. My parents did not support this idea, as they did not see a future - meaning, how would I make money to support myself? This didn't bother me as much as one of my art teacher's comments (which would prove to be the negative voice I still hear in the back of my mind) - she said "Lillian, you couldn't be a commercial artist because you are not confident enough." I wasn't but hearing it from a person in authority sealed the deal for me. I was so devastated.

Since then, I have not stopped creating - through needle-crafts, writing, living, and exploring - but every time I think about living a more fully creative life, I stop. I have enjoyed the journey of Soul Coaching and looked forward to 12 Secrets, but as I was reading Chapter 1 and reflecting on my own life - challenges and successes, I kept thinking "how can I change my life when I have all these responsibilities and commitments?" It's almost like staring at a blank canvas.

Like many of you, I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed at 32 and have been living a full-life by focusing on my nutrition and exercise - truly the only things that have really helped me (as medications were a real fiasco). I am 50 years old and I am still pursuing a dream...isn't it too late? Shouldn't I just forget about it and honour all the gifts that I have been given? Can I live with that deep sadness about never have pursued my passion? Is it even still my passion? And the most important question, what if I figure it all out and still can't actually DO anything about it?!?!

This past week...

everything moved very rapidly from Monday to Friday. I had planned on taking next week of for a couple of reasons - one to complete the Cognitive Coaching Workshop (which is two days) and secondly to accompany my father to his doctor's appointment without worrying about rushing back to work. As it turns out, that is not exactly what I will be doing.

This past Tuesday, when I checked my voicemail at work (didn't get one minute on Monday to check messages), there was a message from the doctor at the Hyperbaric Medicine unit at TGH. He said he had an open slot for my father and wanted to start right away. I didn't return the call, as I was paralyzed with the thought of figuring out what to do. I called Dr. D at TEGH, and left him a message questioning whether we were going to proceed with hyperbaric treatment or not. Dr. D called Wednesday, indicating that the results of December's test were positive and that he recommended we schedule the appointment and start therapy. Wednesday, when I got in touch with Dr. E at TGH, he asked we come in the next day. I told him that it would not work for me as I had a number of work commitments, plus that I want him and Dr. D to actually TALK to one another before I would agree to take my father to any therapy. They spoke and later that day, we had scheduled my father for his first treatment on Friday morning. On Thursday, when we were confirming the appointment Dr. E suggested an addition consult with Dr. C at St.M's Hospital (this is the vascular surgeon) to look at the feasibility of vascular bypass. The appointment was scheduled for Friday after the treatment.

Friday at 7:00, I picked up my father and off we went to TGH. When we arrived, we were directed to change into the clothing they provide that is "tank safe" and my father entered the hyperbaric chamber for about 2 hours. After that, we cabbed over to St. Mike's and met with Dr. C (who has to be one of the biggest "downers" I have ever met). Dr. C is well respected (so I'm told) in his field, but bed-side manner is greatly lacking. He went on to say, basically, that he didn't think the hyperbaric treatment would help my father and that all doctor's have biases toward their area of speciality. Well, I guess you have to be a door knob not to know they have biases...DA! I expressed to him that I knew this fact but that, unfortunately, these doctor's were all I had in terms of opinion with which I could make a decision. As it stands, I am the sole decision matter, as my father as left it to me. Without siblings, the best I get from those around me who care about me is "it's really up to you Lillian...I don't know what to say." And what can people say, it's such an awful decision - to amputate and face an unknown future or to not amputate and die. This is what I have to decide for my father.

So, for now we are continuing with hyperbaric, but all that might change again on Monday, I don't know. My father said he got a call from TEGH, from Dr. D's colleague, saying my father should come in and get his intravenous pack removed. My father has had a portable intravenous antibiotics pack since August, and my understanding was it was staying until the hyperbaric treatment was over or until the amputation. Since the hyperbaric treatment has just begun and the amputation has not been planned...I don't know why he would call and say that!? We'll have to see on Monday. I'm hoping my father mis-heard him but don't know. I'm hoping and praying for the best but preparing for the worst.

New year...new prayers

Well...it's been a few weeks since I last posted. I couldn't even bring myself to think about the week that just passed. This past Thursday was my father's appointment with Dr. D - his primary specialist. Before Christmas we had met with Dr. E and my father was tested in the hyperbaric tank. The doctor gave me cautiously positive news and said he would forward communication to Dr. D of the results. When we met with Dr. D this week, he admitted he did not have time to go through his mail and had not reviewed the notes from Dr. E. Therefore, could not comment on the course of treatment. He did say, we will likely proceed with a below the knew amputation and that he would be in contact with me once he reads the letter from Dr. E.

My father immediately broke down when he heard this. He tried as best as he could to control his tears, but pulled his hat down past his eyes and started crying. This just broke my heart. He looked like a little boy trying to cover his face from his mom. Only, this was my father and I know he was trying to hide his vulnerability from me, his daughter, to whom he has always been the strong one. I sat with him and told him that ultimately it would be better for him. That he would not have to wear the IV pack anymore. And that he would be taught to walk with a prosthetic and able to try to get back to a normal life.

I don't know what the future holds...no one does, I know. But I continue to pray for strength for both of us, so we can face this trial.