Feeling good

It's been a couple or more months since I began eating clean. I was gun-ho about cooking the recipes from the Eat Clean cookbooks I bought, I went as far as photographing the different things I made. Well, all that great food went into my tummy and the photos are still on the camera waiting for upload.

A quick summary, I've "tested" a bunch of recipes, the ones from the Eat Clean Diet book haven't been so successful but the recipes from the Eat Clean Cookbook are far more consistent in their ingredient proportions and cook time. I will upload the photos of food I do have and talk about the recipes soon.

The diet itself is not a diet...as cliche as this sounds...it's a lifestyle...and it's working for me!

Clean eating or following WW plan?

Something's working...I was down 1.2 pounds, from last week, at my Weight Watcher's weigh-in yesterday morning! I like to think it's both the clean eating AND following the WW plan. I have been journalling for the last three weeks and been following the principles of clean eating for about 4 weeks (I think). I want this to be second nature. I was reading someone's blog regarding his journey into eat cleaning and the blogger commented that his wife clarified for him that clean eating was not a "diet" but a "lifestyle." This is exactly what I've been saying to my family and it's been pretty funny.

Last night we went to my cousin's house for a BBQ. Usually I take over a bottle of wine and some sort of sweet. On our way to her house, we stopped at a local grocery store. I told my family I was NOT buying a cake or a pie or any of the other desserts they suggested, but that I was buying fresh fruit!

First Week Back to Work - A Test of Eating Clean

Today is the last day of a full week back to work and it's been a bit of a challenge. I am at a new school and this one has a big main office that ALWAYS seems to have food for snacking. Food that doesn't, in any way, qualify as "clean." There is also a full kitchen right outside my office where there is always coffee in the pot, sugar on the counter...and no agave or sweetener or anything remotely resembling an alternative form of sweetness for my favourite beverage. So...I've been drinking coffee with a little milk and no sweetener and, surprisingly, I'm getting used to it. Coffee is one of the foods that we should restrict on when eating clean, but with all that candy, chocolate, and Tim Bits, I can control myself so much.

Clean eating for two weeks

It has about two weeks since I started Rena Tosca's Eat Clean Diet and I've lost 3.4 pounds. It's been pretty easy. I feel full, I don't have to over think what I'm eating, but I am more away of what to stay away from than I ever was before. Next steps is to incorporate the supplements. I've purchased the supplements, but haven't set up a system to facilitate taking them. And I also have to re-integrate exercise. This has been really hard, mostly because I was doing so well with my exercise routine before my dad's surgery in February. It all seemed to go off the rails around April when he had the heart attack and contracted C-difficile.

Well, I have to focus on the good parts...my kids are adopting eating clean, mostly 'cause it seems cool to say they don't eat processed foods. It's like they're young hippies, or whatever the 2009 equivalent is of that. I also subscribed to the Clean Eating magazine, which is just fantastic. So, I will keep on groovin' with clean eating and work on the next steps without beating myself up for the things I haven't done.

Eating Clean

I haven't been writing for a long time as I've been extremely busy taking care of my dad and trying to get his home ready for rental. My father seems to be getting better and I say this with some trepidation because I don't want to "jinx" him. It's very likely that he will go into a long-term care facility and I will have to supplement his pension in order to ensure a spot for him in one of the facilities I think are best for our circumstances.

Meanwhile, the battle of the menopausal budge continues! A few months ago I purchased Tosca Reno's book, The Eat-Clean Diet, and flipped through it and tried to follow it halfheartedly. I also purchased her cookbook and workout book thinking it would help me "do it right." Not so easy!

Interesting Horoscope

The following is my horoscope for Saturday, July 25...after my post of Wednesday it was an interesting horoscope to read and understand, through everything, there is a bigger reason that will somehow leave me wiser.

Taurus (April 21 — May 20)
Life has not been easy lately. Well, when has life ever been easy? Challenges don't just follow you around. They track you down even when you change your address. But in the process, you will be wiser and more philosophical.

Wishcasting Wednesday...

When I first read Jamie’s prompt for Wishcasting Wednesday, “What do you wish to tell the world?” I thought I’d just write what I was feeling.

I wanted to tell the world that everything is hard. That life is a challenge. That there are tests and trials we are put through without a clear reason for them. Life is something that happens to us, that we have no control, and that, no matter how hard you try, bad things will happen. I wanted to tell the world that you can achieve every goal you set, but only after a struggle.

That is what I wanted to write. Then I thought for a minute, maybe this post would be too much of a downer, so I clicked on Mr. Linky to read what other blogger’s had posted. Each one wrote of hope, abundance, opportunity, creativity, and other very positive messages. I didn’t think it appropriate to post what I was feeling…these feelings of sadness and grief.

I’ve been thinking about this all day. Thinking about the depression that I believe has set in again. Thinking about the trials I’m going through and the feelings of hopelessness I have. I shared this morning’s experience with my daughter during our nightly visit with my father, in the hospital. I told her I felt bad posting what I was feeling and she encouraged I post anyway. She said, if it’s how you’re feeling, then why would it be bad? So, here we are, at 7:30 in the evening, and I’m responding to Jamie’s prompt from the depths of my soul.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Last Wednesday we celebrated the opening of Jamie's new webspace and wishcasted success for our creative leader. This week, we turn to back to ourselves with the wishcast prompt...

What do you wish to invite in?

I wish to invite into my soul...

happiness and joy to every new day of my life,

peace to sooth and calm myself,

fearlessness to try new things,

and

God to help me face the challenges of life with strength and dignity.

Learning to post videos

This morning I started just reading the blogs that I follow and I realized how much I enjoy when bloggers post video. I've tried posting before (not really...'cause I lost patience) and wasn't successful, so I decided today was the day. I've just spent some time reading Blogger Help and am going to upload some video.

Next problem...what video should I upload? Well, that's a no-brainer...belly dancing video of course, more specifically, tribal dance video. The first video is inspiring to me particularly because the dancers have bodies similar to my own -- with a nice big belly!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmwkVudtRzQ
Well...apparently the embed function is disabled on this video...so I'm posting the link...hopefully, it will work.

Upward and onward...lets try my next favourite one of the day.



And SUCCESS!!!

This last video is an old interview with Carolena Nerricio, the Director of Fat Chance Belly Dance (http://www.fcbd.com/) in California, who is credited with developing Tribal Style Belly Dance.



OK...one last, last video...this is a story of Jamila Salimpour, the women credited with bringing belly dancing into the classroom...and developing the language used to teach belly dancing. Thank you Jamila.

Yoga

The one exercise that will hands-down calm me and centre me is yoga. My favourite DVD/Video is Ali MacGraw's with Erich Schiffmann. It's about an hour long, Erich's voice is soothing and easy to follow. Ali is graceful and the class is composed of young and old participants. There are natural breaks to allow your breath to catch up with you. What's extra inspiring about this particular DVD is that Ali started yoga in her fifties. I've been doing yoga since I was 14...only there have been lapses in my practice. I feel so good right now, I can't even express it...considering an hour ago I felt so lethargic and sad.

I think I have the start of a summer routine...yoga every day. I've checked my gym's class schedule and I can get to at least four yoga classes a went. I also looked at the whole summer and am planning to get off that last 15 pounds by the end of summer. It's entirely doable...I just have to do it! I think I have the beginnings of a good summer plan!

In search of a summer routine

At the end of every school year educators and educational workers transition into summer mode; only, for me, that transition is not a smooth process. I usually feel like I hit a wall, face first. There is a sense of loss, mourning. The end of a school year. This year, in particular, the end of my time at a particular school. The loss of relationships, friendships. The loss of routine...which I crave.

Summer usually marks a period of disarray for me. The need to find routine, the need to find my place. When the kids were little, I would program our summer activities...create a routine, a summer "normal." You would think after all these years, I would get used to it, but I haven't. Every year is a new challenge; a new summer normal has to be created. This summer marks one year since my father got sick. One year of medical appointments. One year of doctors and hospitals. One year of worry, confusion, and sadness. One whole year. My father is scheduled to be on a tapered course of antibiotics until he’s done on July 24th. Then what?

Today was an especially tough one as I watched Michael Jackson's memorial and was reminded of so many memories from my childhood. Tomorrow I go into work for the morning and then, technically, I’m done until late August. So, why am I not relaxing and enjoying the release from the fast and hectic pace of an urban high school?

It’s summer…and I need a routine.

Ups and downs

My father's health has been getting better, for the most part, these past few weeks. He was becoming more like himself, until this evening. Since he's been in the hospital, I've visited almost every evening for dinner. If I haven't been able to make it, one of my kids has. Last night, I didn't go and couldn't get one of the kids to go.

When I went to see him this evening, he was quiet. Not quite himself. He started eating and I helped, as always, we were talking but he kept asking if we were home yet. Or, can we go home now.

Somebody has to bring up the rear...

Today was my first ride with the Toronto Bicycling Network. The TBN is a group of people who get together to cycle. There are five different levels - Leisure Wheeler, Easy Roller, Advanced Easy Roller, Tourist, and Advanced Tourist/Sportif. I joined the Leisure Wheeler with my two friends.

We met at a point on the subway line and set off for our ride. Down toward the beach, along the path parallel to the lake and then onto the Don Valley path. There was our leader at the front - Don or Doug (I didn't quite hear his name and I didn't see him once we were riding) and the sweep - Jamie (who I got to know). It was evident, rather quickly, that I would be the last cyclist.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today, Jaime shared her wish...to launch her new site on a Wishcasting Wednesday...and I wish her success with her launch next Wednesday!

So, in that vein, her prompt for us is

What do you wish to nurture?

I wish to nurture my creativity and spontaneity.

I wish to nurture my body, mind and spirit.

I wish to nurture my family and friends.

I wish to nurture the teachers, staff, and students with whom I work.

And most of all, I wish to nurture myself so I can nurture all those people and things I wish to nurture.

Reflection on the last day at this workplace...

Well, today was the last day at my current workplace. Although I'm glad to move on, I'm sad to leave. I already miss the people I work with...the relationships that have developed over the past couple of years. I will miss the potential that has not been realized and I will miss what might have been. I cleared my office, erased my hard drive, deleted my phone greeting and messages. I have cleared all evidence of my existence in that office. Sad to say, but that's how it had to be. I look forward...as I always do...to new experiences, new relationships, new potential. As my father says, just keep moving forward.

Back to Belly Dance

It's been a few months since I've done any regular exercising...which is actually a sad thing to say as I have been consistant for since November 2007. Firstly, losing my trainer really threw me off. I didn't realize how important it was to have her come here and motivate me to exercise. I haven't gone to belly dance classes in the last two sessions...I think May was the last time, in a year, that I went to a session. My shoulders are killing me, I wake up in the morning sore and sluggish. When I was exercising, I was almost symptom-free. So, tonight (even though the this session started last week) I am going back to belly dance...and I'm really happy about it!

Here's a video I found from a dance group in Rome...really excellent!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM43MDAN-8Y&feature=channel

NOTE TO SELF

When you commit to yourself to start a new weight loss plan, DON'T go to a BBQ party and cruise the buffet table and the dessert table with the intention of just looking BECAUSE you can't just look without trying!!!

...easing into summer

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I'm hoping my father will be well enough to finally leave the hospital. He's tired and wants to get on with life. Since he's been on the anti-depressants, he seems more like himself. He's talking about going home, about his garden, about things he cares about.

I'm hoping I can pull myself together after the past few years and get on track with both my body and my career. It's really sad that when stress hits, I hit myself - I fill my body with all the crap I try not to eat or drink. I head straight for the chocolate, or the chips and coke, or the bottle of wine, or whatever is in the pantry that doesn't resemble any food found in nature.

Oh what a week...

The last weeks of school are always crazy, crazy. Everyone is either happy or upset about one thing or another. Students are happy about it FINALLY being over but upset about missing their friends over the summer or upset about a mark they think they didn't deserve. Teachers are upset about short timelines, paperwork, and basic wrap-up things they have to do but at the same time they are starting to wind down, looking forward to summer and even looking further forward to September. For me, closing a school is incredibly intense because we are both closing the school and preparing for the opening. There are extemely short deadlines on everything that has to be finished by "year-end". It's go-go-go! It's also the time teachers are starting to relax a bit and feel like talking as human to human...and these are the relationships I wish to nurture.

Teachers work so hard all year long, then there's a wrap-up and boom it's summer and you're off. For me, it takes at least two to three weeks just to gear down and the same amount of time to gear up in August in preparation for school. So, taking time to actually talk to teachers about their craft, their practice, their issues, their dreams benefits all. It's helps the teachers to hone their craft, to consolidate ideas they've had and problems they've encountered to create a great learning experience for their students. It helps teachers to understand issues that go on behind the scenes...stuff that goes on while they are in their classroom, stuff you don't need teachers to worry about, but that need doing. It is an exchange that fulfills that human need to communicate and understand. It's a nice way to end a school year and ease into summer...to feed the collective soul.

The enormity of the Ride to Conquer Cancer

Last weekend (June 13/14) was the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Because of my personal situation with my dad, I wasn't able to fund raise as hard as last year or even train. I did raise around $2000 ($500 less than what you need to ride) and it me proud to know that I have such great supporters. So, my daughter and I decided to be Crew members - our jobs - to drive the Sweep Vehicle and pick up any riders who were hurt or for some reason couldn't go on.

Well, to say it was gratifying would be an understatement. Last year when we rode, I was overwhelmed with the enormity of the Ride - the number of people participating (2700), the funds raised in total ($14 million), the route of the Ride (through the hills of the Niagara escarpment), and the length of the Ride (200 km in two days). And the fact that I made it (well, almost...I had to be picked up a couple of times)!! All this, to honour my mom and to do something to fit cancer, from which she died.

This year, there were more riders (3400), more money raised ($14.5 million) and a more difficult ride. We were there, as one rider called me, as "guardian angels". Wow! And that's how we felt. We picked up riders that were hurt, that were sick and couldn't go on, we provided water on the terrible hills, we played motivational music - much to the chargrin of the locals, it was fantastic. I also think, in helping in this way, I honoured my mother even more. I supported the Riders, the event, and was part of a relatively small group (300 - as compared to 3400 riders) that ensured the event ran smoothly and safely.

It was beyond terrific...it was enormous in too many ways to write about. My heart felt like that of the Grinch's (only, my heart is already big)...it seemed to grow many sizes over in the course of those two days.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today Jamie asks us to ponder...

Who or what do you wish to play with?

I wish to play with my friends and family.

I wish to be active.

I wish run and play at the beach.

I wish to relax at my cottage.

I wish to dance with wild abandon.

I wish to listen to music so loud my whole body shakes.

I wish to rollerblade again (once I'm down to a "normal" weight so I don't kill myself).

I wish to cycle up hills and still be able to breath!!

I wish to be active with my friends and family.

I wish to dance

And

To all, I Hope You Dance...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk

Wishcast Wednesday (on Thursday)

I missed Jamie's Wishcasting yesterday, so I hope it still OK to wishcast today.

This week's Wishcast question was

What do you wish for your body?

That's an easy one for me...

I wish my body to be strong and free of pain. I wish my belly, which has been cut open three times to deliver my wonderful babies (who are not so baby-ish anymore), to be taut and firm. I wish my legs to be strong and my arms not to flip-flop. I wish my shoulders to be straight and back, not hunched and sad. I wish my emotions would stop punishing my body with foods that hurt it. I wish my body to be healthy and a little slimmer. I wish my body to build endurance and not leave me huffing and puffing after a long ride. I love my body and I wish it will carry me into my old age strong and fit.

Few days to Ride to Conquer Cancer

It's only a few days away...The Ride to Conquer Cancer. I was hoping to ride this year, but the reality is I couldn't fund raise under the present circumstances. But, even still, I raised close to $2000.00. My daughter and I will be part of the Sweep Crew - this means we will be driving one of the vehicles that picks up riders who give us the thumbs down and are unable to complete any leg of the ride. Each team is responsible for decorating their vehicle...we've decided to use a pychedelic theme and call ourselves the CYCLEDELICS. At this point, God willing, I'm playing to ride next year and will start fund-raising this summer with a garage sale or two, and take it from there.

My dad has been fairly well for 6 days. His spirits are lifted. He's trying to eat and thinking of foods I can bring him that he has an appetite for. I am hopeful again, although it scares me to be. My wish is that he feels well enough to go back to the long-term care facility and maybe learn how to get around in a wheelchair. He was hoping to get a prothetic leg, but I'm not sure that is realistic. He has lost a lot of weight and I don't know whether he can get his strength back. His birthday is later this month and I would love to take him out of the hospital for a celebration. I'll keep my fingers crossed and continue praying.

Had a good day for a change

I had a pretty good day yesterday, I visited my new workplace and it was great. My daughter was able to visit my dad in hospital, so I didn't need to go. She reported he was in good spirits and that was great to hear. I was able to attend my art class and I felt like I was freed when I was drawing. I haven't felt like that in so long. The instructor liked my work and with each pass commented on how well I was doing. (Even at 51 a teacher's positive remarks are still welcome!) I love drawing and I miss it so much.

In terms of exercise, I haven't been able to fit it in at all. I think I'm going to re-enroll in belly-dance. I had fun and it kept me moving. I've been having more arthritic pain, which I didn't have while I was exercising regularly. What I have done well this week is stick to my eating plan and not binging on snacks or refined carbs. We'll see what the WW scales say tomorrow.

Today is Friday and it's really welcomed!!! TGIF

Wishcasting well wishes

Wishcasting Wednesday, that Jamie has going, is really something else. I made my wish this morning and a bunch of wonderful people responded with their well-wishes and miraculously (or not) my father seemed so much brighter tonight when I visited.

Over the weekend, he was quite down and insistent on me arranging a haircut for him in preparation for the inevitable. I resisted, telling him he wasn't going anywhere, but that I'd order a hair cut just to freshen him up. The hairdresser made it today and he got his cut (a crew cut, which is strangely funny because my father has always had a " '50's haircut"). He was eating on his own, and, with some help from me, ate a good portion of his food, not everything, but he did not refuse, which has been the norm as of late.

I decided to shampoo him since he was in such good spirits so I bundled him at the neck with towels and shampooed and rinsed his hair. He asked for a second lather/rinse, which I did and by the end of it he was laughing with joy. So, I carried on with the "spa treatment", shaved him, washed his hands, cut his nails and got the nurse to change his sheets and gown. He was smiling and laughing, asking me if I still wanted him around. "Are you kidding?!!? Of course I do!"

All in all it was a nice visit, one that I haven't had in a long time. I think either the anti-depressants are kicking in or God heard all the well-wishes and made him feel better. I like to believe the later. Thank you.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today's wish question is:

What is your wish for June?

My wish for June is for my father to get strong enough to leave the hospital and get on with his new life as an amputee. My wish is for my father to be enlighten that this is not the end of the rope and that he can continue to live a full life, even though it might not the same life he had before his leg was amputated.

I wish my father would start eating again, regardless of whether he thinks hospital food is good or not, but that he will see how important it is to eat in the journey back to health. I wish he will live to see his 84th birthday on June 24th. And I wish for the strength to be there for him without losing myself completely, as I feel parts of me have chipped away and fallen by the wayside.

I wish health for my father and peace for myself.

The toll of stress

The past few days have just been incredibly stressful. My father's emotions are swinging from one end to the other. On Sunday, he was so down, asking to have his hair cut in preparation for his passing. By all medical accounts, he is stable and should be doing well. His emotional well-being though is not well. They started him on anti-depressants which (I hope) will be kicking in soon. As his emotions flucuate, so do mine. As a result, I am exhausted both physically and mentally to the point that I opted out of going to work this morning so I could start the day off slowly. I will be going to the hospital to see him, run some errands, and then off to work. This morning, I was able to wrap up a report that I've been trying to get to for 4 days but, because of the busy-ness at work, have not been able to complete it. The announcement of my move to a new building was made public and I am so very happy about that. Now when things are rough at work, I think about the new beginning in September and can get through my day.

My weight has been flucuating as badly as my emotions. I am retaining water like a sponge. I start the day off with the intentions to stick to my eating and exercise plan, then by the end of the day, I'm off the rails. I suspose I should focus on actually getting through the day and not beat myself up when I don't honour myself by eating properly and exercising. I think I have to preserve what mental well-being I have left to help me get through the next few months. I am trying to remain positive through all this, with the hope my father will get stronger.

Wishcasting Wednesday

This week Jamie asks us to consider...

What's frivolous treat do you wish for?

That's an easy one for me this week. There is a diamond semi-eternity band I would like as a gift for our 25th wedding anniversary.

Back on the wagon

After four straight days of integrating exercise back into my day, I feel I can say I am back on the exercise wagon. The frustrating part is the water retention I get whenever I start exercising after a period of not exercising. The good part of feeling and understanding this frustration is that this time I am not giving up and stuffing my face with my comfort foods - chocolate, chips, and pop.

I will get to my goal weight. I will do it by the end of this summer. And I will do it by eating well and exercising!

10:00 pm (update) Today seems to be never-ending with problems - upset kids, upset teachers, upset parents. Went to the BBQ, I thought I ate OK, but by the time I got home I had both a headache and feeling of bloatedness. Got on the scale (which was a stupid thing to do) and weighed 165!! So...the good news is, rather than continue eating, I went downstairs and cleared out some old paperwork. I'm still craving something but I think I'll have some tea and then head to bed.

WW Saturday

Went to a different meeting this morning so I could meet up with my friend. This group was very lively and the leader was really perky...perky in a good way, not in an annoying way. I weighed in and was down 0.4 lb from last week. This is good, although on my scale I was down 1.0 lbs, so I have to think about which weight I'll be recording in my little tracker at the top of this blog.

I always leave the WW meetings feeling so inspired...but then by about Tuesday it all peters out. I think having my weight loss journey "out there" as opposed to secretly tucked away in my kitchen table drawer, might be an excellent motivator for me to stay on track.

Today I was hoping to get a bunch of errands done, in addition to seeing my dad at lunch and dinner. He seems to be a bit better and I say this cautiously. He's out of isolation and now has a roommate, which I know he likes. They've put him on an anti-depressant to deal with the downward spiraling emotional state and he's laughing -- laughing almost too much, but it's better than the constant crying.

As I am committing to taking care of myself, I promise to fit in cardio again today and really work on get a rhythm back to re-integrate strength training because it was when I was doing regular strength training with the trainer that I was really losing weight. It's been since she left that I've done none and the weight's come back on.

Belly Dance

I'm really missing the belly dancing classes I'd been taking for about a year now and was watching some belly dances on YouTube when I came across some tribal-style belly dancing videos. This one is especially nice because I have the CD with the Bulgarian singers. The music is terrific, the dancing along with it make it a mesmerizing video to watch.

Slavyansky tribal belly dance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIO0hSRqzCE&feature=related

p.s., if anyone knows how to upload a video from YouTube to Blogger could you please let me know...thanks!

Wishes

What a wonderful day yesterday was! Starting with the wishcasting and the lovely return wishes! The day went pretty well, I visited my father and he seemed like his old self - he's been up and down the past month. The hospital has given him some medication to deal with his emotional health. Looks like he'll be out of isolation soon, he's beat the c-dif and hopefully won't get it again. My wish for him is that he returns to the rehab hospital and continues working toward getting a prosthetic leg.

Work was terrific...mostly because I worked offsite! Started my day relaxed, got a lot of work done - it's amazing how much you can get done when no one bothers you! And at the end of the day, I got the good news that I've been praying and WISHING for!

Thank you, fellow wishcasters, maybe wishes do come true!

Today, I stuck to my diet mostly...and I found I wasn't craving anything. I was down a pound this morning, but the real weigh in that counts is the one at WW. I haven't fit in exercise this week, except for what I did on the weekend, so I have to get shaking with that. Speaking of shaking, I totally miss taking belly-dancing. I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to fit it back it. I just loved those classes.

Tonight, I was at my drawing class...I also come back from that class feeling so peaceful. Three hours of uninterrupted drawing, what a pleasure!! I need to practice more...I did better my first week, in that I drew everyday. Well...add that to my "to do" list too...

:-)

Wishcasting Wednesday

This week Jamie @ Starshyne Productions has us ask ourselves:

What is your highest self wishing for?

What's rumbling in your soul?

What is your highest self wishing for?
My wish for myself is to be understanding. To quash the angry feelings I have as a result of past mistakes. To be kinder to myself in order to help repair my emotional scars. To be kinder to myself by finding ways to work through the stresses in my life and find positive ways to express stress rather than stuffing my mouth with junk food.

What's rumbling in your soul?
The desire to live a creative life. The desire to treat my body as a temple and feed it good food and keep it moving. The desire to love myself, as I love my family, and forgive myself once and for all. The desire to stop judging myself and, in turn, be kind to my soul.

Wishcasting

It's Sunday morning and I was just perusing some of the blogs I follow. I've decided to join Jamie's Starshyne Wishcasting Wednesday (even though I'm starting on Sunday, I think this is a good exercise for me).

Who do you wish to connect to?

I wish to connect with me. The 'me' who was more carefree than the one I know now. The 'me' who had pride in herself and didn't punish her body for every little thing she deems as a "failure" - this 'me' hasn't been around for a long, long time.

I wish to connect with me who believed she could do anything. I think I'm meeting up with her now, as I am trying the things I've wanted to do in my lifetime.

I wish to connect with me and be happy.

WW Saturdays

Saturdays are my weigh in day at Weight Watchers. Today I was a hefty 162.4, up from last week. I have been so inspired by Helen - Biggest Loser winner this season. She's about my age, married with two kids, and she looks phenomenal!

The Biggest Loser diet is a pyramid of 4-3-2-1 (four servings of fruits and veggies; three of lean protein; two of whole grains; and one "extra") paired with exercise. Well, I've dropped the exercise altogether due to the increase in stress. I'm trying to stick to eating actual food, as opposed to processed or refined foods. Mostly protein and veggies with no or very little carbs from refined carbs...like a high-protein diet, but with complex carbs. Why is this not working? Well, could be from the candy dish that is in a colleagues office...that whenever I'm stressed, I find myself there and grabbing a bunch of candy!!! This week she had tootsie rolls, which I love!!! Also, I only got to the gym once and did no exercise at home. So, was I surprised by the weight increase...no, not really! Mostly disappointed...in myself.

This week I promise I will not eat when I'm upset and I will stop snacking. For exercise, I will get to the gym at least twice and try to do either a pilates or yoga dvd. Plus I've got my drawing class for soothing my soul (I still have to figure out how to upload the artwork without a scanner).

Thursday May 14, 2009

Just got back from my drawing course. What a great experience. It turns out, a friend of mine as original painting she bought years back, from the artist-instructor for my course! What a small world...I've admired that painting for years and here I am learning from the artist himself. Tonight we were working from a live model. I forgot how tiring drawing for three hours can be!

Before going to class, I dropped by the hospital to visit my father. He was sitting up, which hasn't happened for about a month. I'm feeling hopeful. He's a two bouts with c-difficile - which is a highly contagious bacterial infection people get in hospitals. The first time he got it, he was sent from the rehab hospital to emerg in our local hospital. It turned out he had also had a heart attack. Things just seemed to spin out of control within a very short period of time. Since then, he's been in isolation, which is really, really difficult on him. I was sharing the visiting with my daughter, but she's started her work term and isn't available to visit him...so, it's up to me to visit every night. I get there around 5 or 5:30 and sit with him until his dinner arrives, then I feed him, wash his hands, face and teeth, and get him ready for sleep, then I go home. So my life right now is work-hospital-home-sleep, work-hospital-home-sleep, and so on.

The differences from nurse to nurse is amazing. One time I got there after the food arrived. When I walked into the room, after getting dressed in the isolation gear you have to put on, there was a nurse standing beside his bed with one hand on her hip, the other hand holding a spoon of food in front of my father, and my father's face covered in food. I could not believe my eyes. I quickly dismissed her. Cleaned him up, fed him. Got him ready for bed. Then went straight to complain. Since then, I have not missed a dinner, and haven't seen anything so dispassionate again. Now...I'm hoping and praying the meals (breakfast and lunch) that the nurses DO feed him, go a bit better than what I witnessed.

It sucks being an only child, the responsibility and burden is incredible. Trying to care for a parent, as well as caring for your family...and trying to squeeze out time for yourself is an almost impossible task. I'm not doing anything well and I feel bad all the time. That's why I abandoned all the exercise and "fun" stuff I did. BUT, with this drawing course, I'm trying to get myself back on track and try to care for myself too.

Wednesday May 13, 2009

This past week, I turned 51!! Wow...and I'm still smiling (mostly). When I turned 50 I made a promise to myself to do the things I've always wanted to do and the last thing I was able to squeak into my 50th year, was the start my Fine Art Certificate at a local college!! So, my dream of studying art is finally rolling and I'm really happy about it. As far as celebration, didn't do too much of that as my father is still in hospital and I spent the evening with him. But, my youngest son DID pass all his courses of his second semester in university - after a rough start in first semester. My nephew dropped by and shared with us he got accepted into the university programs he applied to - after a really rough finish to high school, with our support, he was able to pull himself together and finish high school. He came over because he wanted to share the joy with the people that helped him and it was significant that he got the acceptances on my birthday. Not typical gifts by any description, but made me extremely happy nevertheless!

I'm still working on my weight...have been having a rough go of it. Was doing really well, got down to 155, but am back up to 162. My other blog was meant to follow my weight management quest, but I've sort of abandoned everything and am now trying to get back to writing - it's very theraputic for me, a really good release. I'm so thrilled with this past season of Biggest Loser - Helen, a 48 year old mother of three, won! She looked terrific - what a great role-model for me. I keep thinking, "Oh I'm getting older...it's OK if I'm a little heavy." But, it's not...I don't feel good...so, I'm getting back to exercising which I've also abandoned in the last couple of months.

If I can get my scanner to work, I'll post some of the drawings I've done in my college class. I love drawing and am looking forward to this experience.

I'm sending lots of love to the universe!

March 21, 2009

My father had his surgery February 17th. His leg, above the knee, was amputated. The week to ten days following the surgery was very difficult. He was on morphine and quite loopy. It wasn't my father in that bed and it was quite disconcerting for me. I asked the hospital staff to change his pain medication to something less strong as my father has not been someone who used a lot of pain medication before. He came around to himself and is on the mend. From the hospital, they have moved him to a rehabilitation hospital where he is getting some support for building up his body to allow him to manage himself. It's not going too fast as he's been resisting. My hubby came with me to visit one day and expressed how important the physiotherapy was to my father's healing. He bought into that and the next day was participating in the physio class.

The problem I am having, as I was having at the other hospital too, is communication. While at the first hospital the nursing staff, doctors, and social workers would be asking my father to make decisions, or give opinion, etc. Well, he didn't know what they were talking about and he would give simple 'yes', 'no' answeres. When I told them it was important I be involved as he was BLIND and HARD OF HEARING - it was as if I dropped a rock on their heads. I had made sure that information was everywhere....I made sure my numbers were EVERYWHERE. Yet, in the end, no one had any idea. DON'T YOU PEOPLE READ THE PATIENT'S CHART???? Anyway, same thing here. I have let them know I am not appreciative of the lack of communication.

Things are getting better. Spring is here. It's been sunny this past week. And my dad seems to be doing better. Time heals....and I need to have the patience to let that time pass.

Secret 8: Selecting Empowering Partnerships & Alliances

Although I have not been able to travel this journey with you all this time, I have been following some of your journeys. I felt compelled to write this morning as I am one of the hardest journey's of my own. My father has been ill and has been in hospital now for about two weeks. I have been going to see him to help him eat, etc. before work when he wakes and after work until he goes to sleep.

What I have found in this experience is that empowering partnerships and alliances sometimes develop without our intent. In my father's room is another older gentleman and staying with him is his daughter. We have formed a bond that I didn't expect and am quite grateful for. She has become my rock in dealing with my father. She has given me strength, hope and courage. And although this is not a creative alliance, for now, this is what I need.

I hope to rejoin you on your creative journey through the 12 Secrets, but right now I am on a different path.

Peace and love to everyone and thank you to Jamie creating such a great forum for meeting of like souls.

A visit from Nela*

Once again...when I am feeling so low, a student I have worked with drops by for a visit. I was thinking of Nela* for some time. When she came to my school she was a grade 10 student full of fire. A bright young girl who could easily have taken the wrong path. My mission was to keep her on track with school and extra-curriculars that kept her out of trouble. A young girl with a troubled past, emotional at times and, even, inconsolable. On Wednesday, I would describe myself as inconsolable. It was the day before my father's pre-op appointments at the hospital in preparation for his amputation. I got to work and thought I would look up the school Nela* had gone to and call the administrator to find out how she was doing. I had come in to work thinking I would look him up other times but this particular day, I really needed to hear good news...at least, that's what I was hoping to hear.

Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.

After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.

Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.

(*not her real name)

Upcoming surgery

Well, that's it...we're here. My father will have his leg amputated next week. What a trial all this has been. This week, in particular, has been very difficult. It seems every time we have a really bad week, you can't imagine it get worse...and then it does! We booked the surgery as a below-the-knee amputation, then this Wednesday the surgeon called me at work. He asked me if I had any questions, I said no, then after an awkward pause, I told him what I understood the plan to be with respect to the upcoming pre-surgical appointment and then the surgery date and procedure. That's when he said, "ya, about that..." He went on to say he had had a chance to read over my father's file and felt that a below-the-knee amputation might not heal properly due to the vascular condition. That there may not be enough circulation below the knee to heal properly and he felt an above-the-knee would be a better choice to avoid a second surgically procedure. I explained, that the hope of a prosthetic leg was what was keeping my father going and I couldn't guess how he would take this news, but also, that I would relay the new information to my father.

The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.

By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.

I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.

So much pain...

The date is booked and we are all grieving. My father and I met with Dr. W of TEGH - an orthopedic surgeon - who will be doing the surgery. He explained the surgery and the risks. Because of my father's lack of circulation, the below the knee amputation is not looking promising, but it is the surgery they will be doing in order for my father to be fitted with a prosthesis. If it does not heal, they will "revise" the surgery - meaning, they will have a second surgery and cut above the knee. It's funny...(not ha-ha funny) but as I sit here typing it I'm numb. I've have to come to terms with this in the last couple of weeks and am just numb. At work, I have tried to get everything done in case the inevitable occurs. I've done all the work I can for Feb and March.

I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.

Difficult times

Although I try to keep this blog focused on creative endeavours...aside from cooking and baking, the creative endeavours have been limited. My father is quite ill and I have been taking care of him. Running to doctors and various hospitals in order to try and save his leg, which, unfortunately will be amputated in a week. My father has had type 2 diabetes for about 40 years and he's never managed it well. Always a very stubborn man, he would never listen to advice from his only child - me! And, now, here we are. It is because of him, I am determined to try and be as healthy as I can be so my children don't have to go through what I am going through. Caring for an elderly parent is extremely difficult as your attentions are divided between children, spouse, work, home, and (if you can squeeze it in) self.

The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.

I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?

Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"

Don't understand what this all means...

I had a very interesting day today. It's been a rough week, in terms of caring for my father and get a handle on long-term care facilities and trying to navigate that maze.

Today, my mission was to get in touch with one of the long-term care facilities that would be cultural familiar for my father. After a week of being stone-walled, I thought I would start my day by trying to get through one more time. I phoned first thing in the morning. The young man was very friendly and kind, as I explained the difficulty I was having reaching the administrator in order to arrange a tour. He was understanding and apologetic and asked me my name, promising he would pass on the info to the administrator personally. I gave him my first name and started spelling my last...when he interrupted me and said "Miss, don't you recognize my voice. It's George!" And I did!! George was a former student of mine. I thought it sounded like him (he had a very distinct voice) but thought "what are the odds!" He assured me the home was a good one, but that reaching the administration was sometimes difficult. He said he'd pass on my info and get the administrator to call me. Which she did, 10 minutes later.

After an unproductive conversation with this 'administrator', I had planned on seeing my father to sign the application to enter a long-term care facility...but before I did that, I decided to go to a yoga class to try to relax. It's been a terribly stressful time, and I have not been exercising at all - and my stress is coming up in angry outbursts.

As I walk in to the gym, one of the young guys that work sales there, steps in front of me and says "Miss, I don't know if you remember me. My name is David S..." And I did!!! Wow! Two former students in one morning! He told me was he was up to and how he was doing. He seemed happy to see me and happy to share his success. What a high! I was so happy for him AND happy that he spoke to me!

So, up to the yoga class I go, and in walks a young woman who looks very familiar, but I couldn't place her. The instructor came in soon after and class was an intense 75 minutes of yoga. After the class, the young woman walks over to me and I recognized her (couldn't remember her name) and she said "Miss P, do you remember me?" Once again, I did!!! She told me her name and what she was up to and that she had just inquired at my old school for my info. She was going to contact me for a reference, how timely was today's meeting. I assured her she could use me as a reference and off we went.

When I got to the bank, to pay some bills for my father, I saw another former student...only we were both in seperate lines and didn't get a chance to talk.

I can't understand why all this happened, all in one day...all students I had worried about...all students who had a number of challenges in high school when I knew them...and all happy to share their success with me. It made my day....all I could think about was how fortunate I have been in my life to have taught wonderful young people. I wish they could know how much I've actually cared about their well-being and how I've prayed they found success.

After all this, I went to my dad's and had him sign the papers. He understands he may not be returning to his home after his surgery, but I tried to be hopeful telling him that if he got better, he might be able to come home. I have to hold that hope for him...and for myself. He was very tearful. I try to be strong for him and hide my grief so I cry in the car a lot when I'm driving from his home. I'm thankful for a lot in my life but I'm in so much pain right now, that I can't appreciate them.

What a week!

What a week it's been. Starting with my father refusing the hyperbaric treatment to ending with my father signing the long-term care application. And, in between, a whirlwind of events. After talking with Dr. D on Monday, he suggested I proceed with organizing the application for long-term care. I prepared the paperwork, but wanted to go look at the homes before I ranked the homes I was interested in. What a nightmare. I decided to go to the one I really think would be best for my father, and it was tough. Seeing the residents, many non-verbal and immobile, was really difficult. The coordinator assured me there was cognitive residents and that they would arrange it so my father would meet with them and he would have friends there.

The second home I tried to see, I couldn't. Why? Cause the administration was terrible - after not receiving any replies to my voicemail, I thought I would just drop in. Well, I stood at the counter as the receptionist conversed on the phone -- clearly a personal call. She didn't even pause when I walked up to the desk. Just chit-chatted away, as I stood clearing my throat, hoping she'd get the drift and get off the phone. Once off, she was just as helpful - NOT! Totally pointless waste of my time. Like a miracle, this morning when I call again, the person who answered the phone, turned out to be a former student of mine and he promised to personally pass on my message. The administrator called me back in 10 minutes! Interesting. Still, I can't go see the place until next week.

The third place, which is well-known and well-respected, has organized tours and I'll be seeing that in a couple of weeks.

Such an important date in history - what an inspiration!

I am not one who is big on politics or up on world events. I have never had a great love of history or current events. I would say I have always had an "awareness" of what is going on, what has gone on, and hopeful about what might be.

What I have had the privilege of living through and remembering are a number of significant events in the past 50 years - President Kennedy's inauguration and assassination; Rev. Martin Luther King's impact on Civil Rights and his assassination; the landing of the first person on the moon; the devastating Colombia space shuttle explosion; September 11th, 2001; and today - the inauguration of President Obama. These are all days/dates that I remember exactly where I was and still feel the impressions left on me and their impact in my life.

What an amazing day! What a great speaker and writer! What an inspiring speech! I wish President Obama all the best and his family strength and courage to fulfil their new role.

I encouraged my children to try to get to a TV to watch this important event. I reminded them that this will be one of the days that they will remember when they are older. I reminded them that their grandparents came to Canada in hopes of a better life. I reminded them that their grandparents worked in sweat shops and diner kitchens to build a life, own a home, educate their child. In turn, their hard work for the lives of my children, their grandchildre. The expectations I have for them is that they honour their heritage and the sacrifices of their grandparents. I also reminded them that President Obama has repeated re-iterated what we have always said to our children - 'You can do anything you want, anything you set your mind too, and that nothing is too big to overcome.'

In this week of 12 Secrets - we look to our inspiration. In today's historic event I have my inspiration. I can do anything. Nothing is too big to overcome.

Silk Quilt

I have finally moved the silk samples I got years ago into my craft room. I have found a pattern and am planning to start making the quilt.

Refusing treatment

I woke up this morning prepared to take my father to TGH for his hyperbaric treatment. When I called him to tell him I was on my way he said he wasn't going. He said he was thinking about it all night and does not want to continue the treatment. It was too hard for him to go everymorning. I suggested getting a later appointment and he answered flat out "NO. I don't want to." I told him the consequences of not recieving this therapy and he said he didn't care. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm not. He seemed apprehensive on Friday, repeatedly asking me if he had to do this for 5 weeks. The fact that the weather is absolutely horrific, even for Canada, isn't helping much. It's so difficult to get around.

After I spoke with him, I phoned Dr. D at TEGH and have made an appointment with Dr. O, my father's family doctor - in order to sign the application papers for long-term care. Thursday we see Dr. D and then plan next steps. I feel numb, not sure our future. Not sure of too much right now.

Secret 2 - Honouring your Inspirations

Challenge: Creative Style Inventory





1. When did your creative awakening or reawakening occur?


It never went to sleep.





2. What talents do you have, naturally?


Humour. I'm an optimistic pessimist. I love sewing - any crafts using needlework really. I love painting (though I have to fight the negative self-talk).





3. Which elements (fire, water, wood, air) draw you toward them?


I think air and water.





4. Where and when do you create? Where and when do you wish to create?





5. What activates your creative energy, and what drains it?





6. Do you use creative rituals? Which ones? If not, invent some.





7. Does nature influence your creativity? How?





8. What has been your greatest creative hurdle so far?





9. What time of day are you most receptive to inspiration?

12 Secrets - Chapter 1 - Acknowledging Your Creative Self

My earliest memories of considering my own future were from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I would pretend I was a math professor. Why? Probably because my father kept calling my his little "professor". I knew enough that a professor was a teacher, so that's what a lot of my pretend play was....that and dreams of being a fashion designer. My mother was a seamstress and worked as a home-sewer. She would get big boxes of apron-pieces delivered to our home and sew them for pay by piecework. I was about 4 when she taught me to sew. We sat at her industrial sewing machine with me in her lap and, while she worked the foot pedal, I fed the fabric through the presser foot. I remember how thrilling it was to take two pieces of fabric and make one thing out them! My mother sewed all my Barbie clothes until I was able to sew my own. My mother told me that the first time she realized I was sewing on my own was when she noticed a button crudely sewn on to my sweater. The button was crudely sewn on with different coloured thread. She asked my father if he had sewn it on, and he said he hadn't, that's when she realized I had done it - I was in kindergarten.

I have such wonderful memories sewing. As a teenager, I made my formal clothes - dresses for weddings, dances, and other similar events. As a working woman in my twenties, I made many of my work wear - suits, skirts, pants, shirts. When I was pregnant, I made many of my maternity wear and when I had my kids, I sewed their play clothes, coats, Sunday clothes, etc. I also enjoy quilt-making, applique, embroidery and needlepoint. My mother taught me to knit when I was about 8 and my aunt taught me to crochet and I have been enjoying both since.

In school, I loved art and started to show real promise by grade 7. I was particularly interested in portraiture and did many detailed portraits, in pencil, of celebrities I was "in crush" with. Unfortunately, I have none of the art from those years as my art teacher kept them for her portfolio. Little did I know what they would mean to me in my later years. I do have my sketch book from my senior year in high school, but everything before that was thrown out (my mom was a bit of a clean freak). I loved drawing! In grade 13, I was focused on going to art school to become a commercial artist. My parents did not support this idea, as they did not see a future - meaning, how would I make money to support myself? This didn't bother me as much as one of my art teacher's comments (which would prove to be the negative voice I still hear in the back of my mind) - she said "Lillian, you couldn't be a commercial artist because you are not confident enough." I wasn't but hearing it from a person in authority sealed the deal for me. I was so devastated.

Since then, I have not stopped creating - through needle-crafts, writing, living, and exploring - but every time I think about living a more fully creative life, I stop. I have enjoyed the journey of Soul Coaching and looked forward to 12 Secrets, but as I was reading Chapter 1 and reflecting on my own life - challenges and successes, I kept thinking "how can I change my life when I have all these responsibilities and commitments?" It's almost like staring at a blank canvas.

Like many of you, I have fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed at 32 and have been living a full-life by focusing on my nutrition and exercise - truly the only things that have really helped me (as medications were a real fiasco). I am 50 years old and I am still pursuing a dream...isn't it too late? Shouldn't I just forget about it and honour all the gifts that I have been given? Can I live with that deep sadness about never have pursued my passion? Is it even still my passion? And the most important question, what if I figure it all out and still can't actually DO anything about it?!?!

This past week...

everything moved very rapidly from Monday to Friday. I had planned on taking next week of for a couple of reasons - one to complete the Cognitive Coaching Workshop (which is two days) and secondly to accompany my father to his doctor's appointment without worrying about rushing back to work. As it turns out, that is not exactly what I will be doing.

This past Tuesday, when I checked my voicemail at work (didn't get one minute on Monday to check messages), there was a message from the doctor at the Hyperbaric Medicine unit at TGH. He said he had an open slot for my father and wanted to start right away. I didn't return the call, as I was paralyzed with the thought of figuring out what to do. I called Dr. D at TEGH, and left him a message questioning whether we were going to proceed with hyperbaric treatment or not. Dr. D called Wednesday, indicating that the results of December's test were positive and that he recommended we schedule the appointment and start therapy. Wednesday, when I got in touch with Dr. E at TGH, he asked we come in the next day. I told him that it would not work for me as I had a number of work commitments, plus that I want him and Dr. D to actually TALK to one another before I would agree to take my father to any therapy. They spoke and later that day, we had scheduled my father for his first treatment on Friday morning. On Thursday, when we were confirming the appointment Dr. E suggested an addition consult with Dr. C at St.M's Hospital (this is the vascular surgeon) to look at the feasibility of vascular bypass. The appointment was scheduled for Friday after the treatment.

Friday at 7:00, I picked up my father and off we went to TGH. When we arrived, we were directed to change into the clothing they provide that is "tank safe" and my father entered the hyperbaric chamber for about 2 hours. After that, we cabbed over to St. Mike's and met with Dr. C (who has to be one of the biggest "downers" I have ever met). Dr. C is well respected (so I'm told) in his field, but bed-side manner is greatly lacking. He went on to say, basically, that he didn't think the hyperbaric treatment would help my father and that all doctor's have biases toward their area of speciality. Well, I guess you have to be a door knob not to know they have biases...DA! I expressed to him that I knew this fact but that, unfortunately, these doctor's were all I had in terms of opinion with which I could make a decision. As it stands, I am the sole decision matter, as my father as left it to me. Without siblings, the best I get from those around me who care about me is "it's really up to you Lillian...I don't know what to say." And what can people say, it's such an awful decision - to amputate and face an unknown future or to not amputate and die. This is what I have to decide for my father.

So, for now we are continuing with hyperbaric, but all that might change again on Monday, I don't know. My father said he got a call from TEGH, from Dr. D's colleague, saying my father should come in and get his intravenous pack removed. My father has had a portable intravenous antibiotics pack since August, and my understanding was it was staying until the hyperbaric treatment was over or until the amputation. Since the hyperbaric treatment has just begun and the amputation has not been planned...I don't know why he would call and say that!? We'll have to see on Monday. I'm hoping my father mis-heard him but don't know. I'm hoping and praying for the best but preparing for the worst.

New year...new prayers

Well...it's been a few weeks since I last posted. I couldn't even bring myself to think about the week that just passed. This past Thursday was my father's appointment with Dr. D - his primary specialist. Before Christmas we had met with Dr. E and my father was tested in the hyperbaric tank. The doctor gave me cautiously positive news and said he would forward communication to Dr. D of the results. When we met with Dr. D this week, he admitted he did not have time to go through his mail and had not reviewed the notes from Dr. E. Therefore, could not comment on the course of treatment. He did say, we will likely proceed with a below the knew amputation and that he would be in contact with me once he reads the letter from Dr. E.

My father immediately broke down when he heard this. He tried as best as he could to control his tears, but pulled his hat down past his eyes and started crying. This just broke my heart. He looked like a little boy trying to cover his face from his mom. Only, this was my father and I know he was trying to hide his vulnerability from me, his daughter, to whom he has always been the strong one. I sat with him and told him that ultimately it would be better for him. That he would not have to wear the IV pack anymore. And that he would be taught to walk with a prosthetic and able to try to get back to a normal life.

I don't know what the future holds...no one does, I know. But I continue to pray for strength for both of us, so we can face this trial.