Bad news...

I got the news from the vascular surgeon yesterday...they can't do a bypass surgery on my dad's leg because there are too many blockages in his veins to support the surgery. That means, if things don't miraculously get better (or, conversely, don't get worse) my father might have to have his lower leg amputated. I don't know what to do. I am so worried about him. I have talked with his case manager from the Community Care Access Centre and she's set up some supports for him. I think I need to think about long-term care. I don't know what to do...I hate this...I feel so bad for him.

I don't know if he understood what I told him regarding this doctor's news. He seemed happy - I think he confused this surgical option with the surgery for removing the leg. I'm not sure. He said something that really disturbed me. He said that he was happy with how much time he's had. I didn't pursue the conversation as I think I knew what he meant.

New goals?

For me, it's about goal setting. If I can set a goal, it gives me something to work towards. And...somehow or other, I figure things out.

I was thinking about my situation, and the extreme unhappiness I'm having with respect to work-place statisfaction. I thought about what had made me happy about work and how I can get back to that place. I enjoyed teaching...as an adminstrator I work with disgruntled people - kids, parents, teachers - rarely do they come in to tell me something good, mostly just problems or concerns. Teaching - interacting with students - developing curriculum - seeing the light in my students eyes as the lesson clicked for them -- that was joy. How can I get back to that joy and pursue "art happiness."

Two things happened this past week - one, a casual conversation with a friend and second, a trip to the library.

The conversation: My friend AH is program coordinator for a Continuing Education program and was talking about how great that experience is in contrast to role in the day as administrator. It's a role she enjoys...meeting people who want to learn - whether it's for pleasure, interest or somehow work-related. Teachers who are keen to share what they know.

The trip to the Library: I wanted to take out the South Beach diet book because I want to kick start my weight loss and get that last 10 pounds off (yes, I know, famous last words). While there I browsed in the Art section and found a spiral bound book by Nancy Reyner - Acrylic Revolution: New Tricks and Techniques for Working with the World's Most Versatile Medium. I took the books out and when I was going through Acrylic Revolution I thought about how someone could use it as a textbook for experimenting in art.

Then the idea: I thought how great it would be to teach a night school course through Con Ed. We could explore the versatility of acrylics and do a sampling of exercises from the book. Anyway, I was so excited I sat down and started preparing a ten week lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN. Something I haven't done in almost 5 years. It was fun! I told AH about it and she got all excited and wants me to commit to teaching at her school in January.

Well...I put the brakes on that. I can't see it happening this year...but maybe next September. I (once again) don't have the confidence in myself...which is crazy, 'cause one of the courses I taught one year was a course on PhotoShop - which I had never used before!! Yet, the kids did great, produced some amazing work, and I felt great about it at the end of the year!!

Hmm....something to think about.

Update on my life...

It's been many months since my last post. Since then, I have turned 50, have been taking belly dancing classes, cycled 200 kilometers from Toronto to Niagara Falls, pulled out from the promotion track at work 'cause I'm taking care of my ailing father, lost about 10 pounds, and am still dreaming of being a painter. So, with all the things I have achieved, what is holding me back from a dream I've had since I was a child. What stops me? Fear? Self-confidence? Self-esteem? Well? Yes, all of the above. The fear I have is the voice in my head that says "who am I to think I am an artist without 'training' or 'education'?" Thanks to this core fear I have very little self-confidence and low self-esteem. This is a perfect example of self-sabotage or a self fulfilling prophecy.

How do I create a new self fulfilling prophecy? This is the question. This is my quest.

what's tough about being an only child?

You're the only one. The only one to take care of your mother when she is dying. The only one to take care of your father with whom you have never really had a good relationship. The only one to make a decision on elder care for a father who has always been strong and is in both physical pain from a terrible infection on his diabetes ravaged body and is mentally in pain because he can't be the strong father figure his only daughter has always know.

What's so tough about being an only child? There is no one else to share stories from when you were a child. There's no one else to share in the pain when you lost your mother and are watching your father grow weaker as he grows older.

What's so tough? There are only the memories you have...alone. The stories you try to share with your family who really don't understand or, maybe, don't care because they have their own memories they are building.

It's tough being an only child...even when you're 50.