My five-a-day

Serena tagged me in a meme called “five-a-day” which was started to encourage mental well-being.

Here are my top five things to do every day (or, at least, several times a week) to stay mentally healthy:

• exercise - since last November when I hired a personal trainer, I made the committment to somehow honour my physical self by exercising - whether it's a workout, yoga, or through belly dance, I try to do some physical exercise several times a week, if not everyday


• read - it's seems strange to consider reading a luxury, but that's what it is to me. I spend my day reading work-related material, and when I get home I hardly have time to sit, so I try hard to read every night before I fall asleep - although, many times I fall asleep AS I read


• pray - it's the only way I can get through life


• eat healthily - self-explanatory - when I don't eat healthily my fibromyalgia flairs up as does the arthritis


• laugh - along with prayer...I need to laugh, such a release

I tag:

1. Genie Sea


2. Caroline


3. miss*R


4. Claudia


5. You!

Season's Greetings!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Driving with my son

We drove out to Oshawa to drop off my older son and on the drive back home there was something on the radio about a lottery jackpot and I said to my son "imagine having all that money." And the conversation that followed that comment went along like this...

He said, "Ya...I think if you had a lot of money you would be what they call a philanthropist"
and he went on to talk about how if he won money he would spend it on himself (typical teenager).

I asked, "What a sec...what do you mean philanthropist?"

He answered, "Well, a philanthropist is someone who helps people. And that's what you do, you help people. I think if you had money you would use it to help people."

I answered...well...I didn't answer...I was dumbfounded.

Insightful? I think so...I didn't even think my kids were paying attention to anything I do, for that matter, anything outside the centre of their universe - themselves. (lol) Wow...I need to figure out what to do with this.

Christmas project

A teacher at school is expecting a baby any time now. I'm knitting a little hat for the baby and for her toddler and will post pictures when I'm down. The patterns are so cute, I can't wait to see them when they're complete. I'm making one for another teacher's baby granddaughter too!

Today

I went to Weight Watchers today and gained a bit. Although, I'm down close to 20 pounds in total, the up-down-up-down at the scales gets to me sometimes. Today, it was magnified because there was someone at the meeting who I've met in a different context and wasn't terribly impressed by. Problem is, I needed to be cheery, since I know them in a professional context...rather, than screaming and running away - which I what my soul wanted to do!

The last month has been difficult to stay on track with my workout routine my trainer prepared - partly because she has been going through something and had to cancel a couple of our workouts...also, partly due to caring for my dad - that's been a huge drain...and, partly, due to the fact the weather is crappy, there is no sun, and work is crazy busy. On the plus side, I have ONLY gained 1.2 pounds this week (could've been worse!)...I am using the membership at Extreme Fitness that my son didn't want anymore (mostly for yoga, but I'm GOING!). Sooo...I guess, the net result is good because I haven't stop exercising all together and haven't thrown every piece of chocolate, or cookie, or cake, or candy, or any other food that starts with 'c' into my mouth!!

I've been trying to finish the "Soul Coaching" book and have been spending a couple of days per "Soul Coaching day"...today is the day where I have to craft a mission for my soul. I read the book last night, and it talked about listening to things throughout the day. One thing I heard myself say yesterday, and I actually say quite frequently when I'm working with kids is that...my mission is to make sure the students that I work with succeed - and succeed in the sense that they get through school, pass all their courses, get to graduation, and get on with their lives...succeed in drafting a plan for their future - not necessarily what they'll be doing when they're 50, but the near future "what do you want to do right out of high school? in 5 years?" These are questions kids can answer without feeling overwhelmed that they are making some massive decision that they can never deviate from. This is wish and this is my mission.

Is my mission at work, also my mission in life? Maybe. I help people I connect with at church, in my neighbourhood, or any context - if I see I can help, I do. Two days ago I ran into someone who I met at church and helped with a family situation. She thanked me for taking time to help her even though I didn't really know her and told me everything had worked out well for them. Something that took me less than a half hour, impacted that family for the positive. Wow!

Why is my mission as an educator so clear, but not so clear for my mission in life. Maybe they're one and the same. I don't know.

Cautious...some good news

Today my father was tested in the hyperbaric chamber and the test went well. Not great, not fantastic, not terrible, but well. Well enough to say that hyperbaric therapy might be helpful for my dad. That means, if Dr. D. is happy with the results of this test, he will determine the course of action and, I'm hoping, set into motion steps to resolve my father's current health situation...namely, determine how much will need to be amputated and when and how all that will occur.

I'm happy (cautiously, 'cause I don't want to be disappointed) because this bring bring resolution to his health and he won't have to wear the PICC line very much longer. Happy because for the next few weeks we don't have any doctor's appointments and can face Christmas on a positive note. It's been so busy these past few weeks with doctor's appointments, hospitals and sadness. I've been doing well for the most part, but the last month or so, I have been exercising less and eating more. I'm glad school is almost over and I'll have some time to rest. I'm going to try NOT to think about the new year, as it will be busy right from the start with my dad's appointments again.

Worried and feeling very tired...

Since I last wrote, my father's been released and is at home. I quickly had to set up some more supports for him in the home - a personal care giver, increased Meals on Wheels delivery, and taking over some household responsibilities like groceries and banking. Tomorrow we see Dr. D and Friday we see Dr. E. We saw Dr. E last week (I think...I'm beginning to lose track) and this week my father will be tested in the hyperbaric tank. I'm praying for the best, but prepared for the worst.

I feel very drained by all this. I haven't been taking care of myself and I'm very rundown. I can't wait until the Christmas break. I'm hoping I'll have some time to recoup. Work is usually easier after the holidays and before you know it, it's summer break.

Day 26 (my day 13) - A Home for the Soul

I am at home, no matter where I am.

This week has been like coming home, in more ways than one.

Somehow, I feel Earth week is MY week. I am a tree-hugger. My husband and kids are tree huggers. My parents grew up in villages in the mountains of their country where nature was respected for it's power and glory. The focal point of our home renovation was the addition of a greenhouse-like front entry. Our foyer has nine sky lights and is flooded with light when the sun is out. At night, you can see the stars and the moon, and during a shower (or thunderstorm) you can hear the water hitting the glass. Our foyer is filled with plants that flourish under these conditions.

This week, also, I brought my father home from the hospital and arranged services to support him. Being in my childhood home makes me feel grounded. Though my current situation is difficult, I stay strong (or, at least, am trying to stay strong) through the grounding I have in my family and in my faith. My soul truly feels at home, no matter where I am.

Today, I plan to complete the circle by creating an alter at work so wherever I am, I have a place to land.

Day ??

Past few days have been busy with my father...getting him home from the hospital, setting up home care, medications, etc. Am still detoxing, both my body and spirit. It's been a very emotional time and I'm just moving forward as best I can. My father's always said, "just push forward" ...he says, "you can't stand still"...and I guess that's what's helped me get through so many difficulties in my life.

This morning I woke up with a song in my head...."put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor; put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door." These lyrics were sung by Mickey Rooney in "Santa Clause is coming to Town" and I've posted them below.

Strange as it may seem, there are a few tv shows (mainly TV Christmas specials) that have made strong impressions on me and my perspective on life. Another scene/song which, as a kid (and as an adult), made me feel OK with not always "fitting in" to society's norm is from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" where Rudolph and Herbie sing "We're a Couple of Misfits". That show, in particular, is full of songs that I relate to....but I'll save that for now....like Clarice said to Rudolph..."there's always tomorrow for dreams to come true, tomorrow is not far away."


Put One Foot In Front Of The Other
by Bass, Jules

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

(repeat chorus twice)

Day 22 (my day 9) - Connective with Your Body

I am one with the earth. I am one with my body.

Oh boy, do I still have issues with me body!! Well, I like it more than I thought I did...after doing Denise's survey (p. 167-8), I realized I liked more than I hated. This month marks a year since I made the committment to take care of my body. I've since lost almost 15 pounds (4.5 this week alone - but that, I'm sure, was due to stress). I'm stronger. I'm regaining my flexibility. I've re-introduced yoga into my routine. And I try to mediate a few times a week.

I was reading ahead, and it is an interesting path, this Soul Coaching. Interesting from a number of perspectives. One being that since I started in the middle, I didn't think I would be in sync with the program and everyone else. But the coincidences have been many and uncanny.

I am a Greek Orthodox Christian and the Christmas Lent period began November 15th. I usualy do one week of lent, for no good excuse than it's hard cooking every night and I have to when we are on lent. What is lent for a Greek Orthodox Christian? It is a fast or abstinence from all animal foods - this includes butter, milk, eggs, fish, meat, etc. - anything for any animal (including fish) that bleeds.

"To the devout, fasting is a total-body experience to purify the body and the soul. To fast means to demonstrate self-control over temptations, sins, unkind feelings and material desires." (Christmas in Greece, pub by WorldBook)

So, what's so uncanny?...tomorrow we begin to detox our body. This week in addition to detoxing my body, I will detox my spirit...and my soul.

Day 21 (my day 8) - Fanning the Flames of Your Creativity

Incredible creative life force flows through my entire being.

I'm a little distracted from this journey because of the journey I am on with my ailing father. I am participating as much as I can as I feel the universe still guides us wherever we may be in our lives. What I've been doing is scanning the day's entry in the book, and then coming back to it at the end of the day to see if, unconsciously, my soul has been following the soul coaching path.

Yesterday, Saturday was the last day of the Fire Week and about expressing yourself in some creative activity. Though I didn't do the exercise Denise suggested, I did do a whole bunch of sewing. Mending and altering items that had been sitting waiting for me for some time.

I think I will go back and do the activity in Level 3 at a later time as I think it is an important one. I did similar boards before we started our renovation and it created a map for the vision we had for our home and it still serves as a guide as we add details.

Day 20 (my day 7) -Your Spiritual Allies

I am a loving spiritual being.

Somehow I feel my whole job is about supporting people to make the world a better place. As an educator, you touch many lives. I am blessed that I always have former students connecting with me and telling my what an impact I have had in their lives. Most importantly, they all say that they knew I really cared about them. That is so huge for me, it validates that I am making an impact student by student, family by family, and my hope is that this does ultimately make our world a better place.

Day 19 (my day 6) - Facing your death, Embracing your life

I live in the present moment with courage and love.

This affirmation says it all. With my current situation with my father, I am everpresent in th enow and facing what every day brings with courage and with love. As I lit my candle on Thursday, I repeated "Although I have a body and identity, it is not who I am. In my essence, I am Divine Light." I am at peace with my life and I am always aware that today could be my last day. Denise's questions 3 and 4 for level 2 are rather difficult to answer because although I try to live to avoid making decisions I regret, there will always be regrets - choices and actions we could have made differently.

The following is a prayer I learned from a yoga teacher many years ago, and I find it helps me centre.

The Divine Light Invocation

I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light

Ever time I repeat it, I feel warm and peace, may it bring you the same.

Day 18 (my day 5) - Being Present, Saying Yes to Life

I invite the pure light of the sun into my heart. May it shine from my heart to the world.

Today was about being in the present moment - and THAT I was! I had been taking days 4 and 5 of the Cognitive Coaching Foundation course through work. My father hadn't been well earlier in the week and on Wednesday, staying everpresent in the 'now', when I called my father I could tell immediately he was not well. I could not have been more present in the moment on this day that I ever have. Unsure about what would happen to him and knowing the decisions I will have to face as his only child.

I put my trust and faith in God, as I always do (some times more than other). Denise says in the level 3 section, "maybe you cannot change all the experiences you have today, but you can certainly choose your reaction to them." Rather than being emotion, I chose to be strong for my father and have been trying to think rationally and consider what options are best for him and for myself at this point.

I am blessed in my life for having had loving parents, for a having wonderful husband and really great kids. I am blessed for having had the opportunities of education, career, and the freedom to reflect on my life and change what didn't fit.

Father in hospital

This has been another difficult week. My father's breathing seemed laboured on Monday when we went for his audiology test. I considered going upstairs in the clinic to see his doctor, but then I thought I might be overreacting. Tuesday I could still hear his breathing over the phone, then Wednesday when I called from the workshop it's sounded worse. I left early, went over to see him, and called the doctor's office to ask them what we should do. They said to come right over. They took my father in right away, sent him for x-ray and ECG and sent us to the hospital - congestive heart failure is what the doctor said he believed was going on.

Once we got to TEGH they promptly took us in. After a number of tests, they decided to admit it and that's where he is now. I'm frustrated because I haven't spoken with his doctor and don't know is going on. The doctor told my father he is going home on Monday, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I don't know what to do. This is probably one of the toughest situations I've ever been in...I feel so alone in making this decision. I pray God will give me some insight into what I should do.

Need prayers

My father was admitted into the hospital last night for cardiac problems (still don't know exactly what, but he is in the cardiac acute care wing of the hospital).

A poem for my mother

Our Mothers
By Christina Rossetti

Our Mothers, lovely women pitiful;
Our Sisters, gracious in their life and death;
To us each unforgotten memory saith:
"Learn as we learned in life's sufficient school,
Work as we worked in patience of our rule,
Walk as we walked, much less by sight than faith,
Hope as we hoped, despite our slips and scathe,
Fearful in joy and confident in dule."
I know not if they see us or can see;
But if they see us in our painful day,
How looking back to earth from Paradise
Do tears not gather in those loving eyes?—
Ah, happy eyes! whose tears are wiped away
Whether or not you bear to look on me.


My mother didn't like me to worry, but I'm worried all the time. I'm worried about my father. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about my husband. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about myself. I feel badly that she may be looking down at me and that she may feel sad for me. I miss her so much. A day doesn't go by without thinking about her.

Day 17 (my day 4) - Facing the Shadow

I unconditionally accept all parts of myself.

Today we were supposed to be aware of every time we negatively judged others. This is a habit I've gotten into, particularly when I'm going through a low period, and I don't like it. What I found interesting is the question we had to ask ourselves, "Could this trait possibly be something that I have exhibited in the past, am currently exhibiting, or am capable of manifesting in the future?" I haven't thought of that before. It certainly has caused me to think, particularly today because I was on a workshop and I tend to get into a negative space and get into "judgment" mode. Weird...but it must be traits I recognize in myself that I dislike and react to. It makes sense.

I did the level 1 exercise - replacing "should" with "could" - I found this to be freeing somehow. It really did remove the guilty feelings associated with statements that include "should." The level 2 and 3 exercises were just too much to deal with from an emotional standpoint. Maybe I'll come back to them. I will be try to dance out the darkness and dance in the light, though, before I go to bed tonight. I find taking the belly dance classes have helped alot in that way. The classes also help I feel about myself and my body. We did a dance last night that felt sensual and a lot of fun while within a safe environment with other women of all shapes, sizes, and ages.

For now, I will defer to Charlotte Bronte's words, sign off, and go dance.

"The human heart has hidden treasures,

In secret kept, in silence sealed;­

The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,

Whose charms were broken if revealed.

And days may pass in gay confusion,

And nights in rosy riot fly,

While, lost in Fame's or Wealth's illusion,

The memory of the Past may die. "

(first verse of Evening Solace)

Day 16 (my day 3) - Taking Risks

I am free to experience joy in every moment...no matter what is happening in my life.

I really liked today affirmation. I tried to repeat that throughout the day...no matter what was happening (and alot was happening).

Today was about having fun, stepping out of our comfort zone, and breaking habits. I tried to deviate from the usual, although "old habits die hard" I was able to change my route to work a bit. I tried to have fun in everything I did today, but sometimes my best intentions were foiled. I DID have a great talk with an old friend who gave me some insight into how to deal with my difficult situation. And I told my father to a medical appointment and managed to make his laugh. That was probably the best thing today - he's been ill and it was nice to see him laugh.

After the day was over, I came home and listened to Handel's Water Music, had dinner (by myself...everyone seemed to get home late tonight) and then went to my belly-dancing class, which is always fun and I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone!!

All in all, a good day. I don't know that I gained any soulful insights...any insight to changing habits that do not support me. Maybe that will come as the week goes on.

Day 15 (my Day 2) - Confronting Fear, Developing Faith

I am safe.

What an interesting morning. I couldn't sleep all night because of the rain and frozen rain, then this morning after I finally got a couple of hours of early morning sleep, I woke up to my bedroom flooded with sunlight. What a wonderful start to Fire Week.

I quickly came down and sat beside the altar I've set up in the living room and read/started today's tasks. I light a candle and began with the Level 1 task of listing my fears. There are many. I acknowledge my fears about the past, my fears about the future, my fear of rain and thunderstorms, as well as my fears of losing my father, my family, my memories, my mind, and of crumbling down in weakness.

The scenario I played out was the last. What would happen if I crumble down into my weaknesses? Would it empower my children? Would it be the beginning of a "Lillian re-boot" - a re-building or renovation of myself? You can only build if you have a cleared foundation, right? It could mean my own rebirth.

12:40 - I read a section I had taken from Thursday's newspaper. It was about old age, dementia, Alzheimer's. It was very timely that I read it today and it validated that what I am trying to do with my health - that is, exercising regularly, trying to eat right, keeping an eye on my cholesterol - is on the right path to preventing that which I fear most - losing my mind.

We'll see what the rest of the day holds. I'm not sure if I will attempt Level 2 or 3 today, but we'll see, the day is young.

Fabricland is closing

My local Fabricland is closing it's doors this weekend. They've moved to a newer, bigger location and have had a clearance sale for the last month. I was hoping to get there today, but didn't manage to...but I did go the last two weekends. One of the days I went with my younger son and I was looking at buying fabric to make slipcovers for two chairs in our living room. In his desire to get out of the store, he turned, grabbed a bolt of fabric and said "what about this?" Well, didn't it turn out to be beautiful fabric. It is a rusty-red colour with pin dots in light orange and yellow. The chairs are going to look incredible once I sew the slipcovers. I have the fabric thrown over the chairs for now, but it looks beautiful. Good choice, son!!

Blister packs

Trying to make things easier doesn't always. I asked my father's doctor to order his medications in Blister pack pill dispensers in order to make it easier for him to take his pills. Well, it hasn't gone too well. I called today and he was upset because he couldn't figure them out. I guess it's my fault because I didn't get to his house after school yesterday when the first pack was delivered to explain to him how to use them. I asked him to ask the VON nurse to help him, but I guess he didn't. He was so confused when we got there this afternoon. He was in tears as I tried to explain it. I got very frustrated and my daughter, M, explained it to him slowly and he listened to her. I fee so bad. I don't know what to do. I think I'm right leaving him at home and having CCAC help with his personal care and light house keeping, but I always feel guilty. There's so much I need to do for him, for us, and yet I feel paralyzed.

Day 14 - Releasing Victim Thinking, Choosing Your Life (Day 1 for me)

I was planning on starting Soul Coaching tomorrow, the first day of the Fire week. But after I woke up and came downstairs, I sat down and read today's entry in Denise Linn's book. It seemed so appropriate for what I was feeling already this morning, I thought I would plunge in. Denise Linn, in her introductory, says start when you feel it's right...and somehow, that was today, the last day of the water week.

It was raining this morning and has been all day. After I got up from bed I weighed myself, as I usually do, particularly on Saturdays because I go to the morning Weight Watcher's meeting. I was up another pound and immediately started with the negative talk. "Why can't I stop binging when I'm upset? Why can't I get control of myself?" etc. So, it was funny (or serendipitous) to read in Soul Coaching that today's Level 1 task was to take negative questions and make them noble questions. Sometimes I feel like I've cornered the market on negative questions, so this exercise would likely be challenging...and it was.

Using Denise's sample questions, I came up with my own version of noble questions:
1. How can I nourish and strengthen my body and build a positive self-image?
2. How can I feel more abundant?
3. How can I honour myself?

I tried the Level 2 questions, using the situation at work. I am clearly being bullied by a superior and quite honestly feel victimized but can't figure my way out of it. I could answer question 1 and 2. But when it came to answering number 3 and 4, I couldn't even begin. I've gone back to those questions throughout the day, and still have no answer. I know Denise says the answers are within each of us, but at this point at time, I still don't have an answer. I'm hoping it may come to me through this journey.

Level 3 exercise was good...I addressed very painful, pivotal events in my life and feel some peace after repeating the affirmation. Even events from my childhood. I think over time I have come to peace with them, but this felt like it was a good cleansing... how very appropriate for the last day of the water week.

Interesting email

Just on the eve of starting the Soul Coaching I received this email from my fitness trainer, so I thought I would post part of it here.

St. Theresa's Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Soul Coaching

I've decided to join a book club blog using Denise Linn's book, Soul Coaching. It's 28 days to enlightenment, so something similar. It feels a lot like Julia Cameron's an Artist's Way. I found that book was extremely helpful when my mom was sick and following her death. I've read some of the blogs of the members of this book club and they all seem so thoughtful, most either artist or in some way in pursuit of a creative life. That's what I want, and I suppose for the most part, that's what I have...only it's not in the form that I wish.

Since I'm starting the book mid-way through, I will be starting tomorrow which will be the first day of the Fire Week. I've read the section and the day's focus is facing one's fears. All day, that's what I've been thinking about my fears...

Long-term care

I met with my father's family doctor, Dr. WO, yesterday. I needed to get some repeats on prescriptions and ask the doctor for the referrals Dr. WE needs before he can test my father for the hyperbaric therapy. I also talked to the doctor about proceeding with filling out the paperwork for my father to enter long-term care eventually. Dr. WO mentionned that he was one of the doctors that works out of one of the long-term care facilities I was considering and that he could help get my father in if we decided we wanted him to go there. That is somewhat hopeful. In the meantime, I have to get my dad to have the tests he needs done, get his medications in order, and move forward from there...whatever "forward" is.

My son, P, told me about a former student from my last school who passed away recently at his own hands. It's so sad. I remember the student as being a dynamic, yet unusual, young man. One who was involved in various creative aspects of the school. He apparently was a talented diver and most recently an upcoming fashion photographer who was well known in that industry. It's always so hard to hear about the death of a young person. Someone who seemingly had everything to live for, yet, obviously had some demons of his own that he couldn't cope with. So sad, such a waste. Contrast that with my dear father who is fighting for his life.

Bad news...

I got the news from the vascular surgeon yesterday...they can't do a bypass surgery on my dad's leg because there are too many blockages in his veins to support the surgery. That means, if things don't miraculously get better (or, conversely, don't get worse) my father might have to have his lower leg amputated. I don't know what to do. I am so worried about him. I have talked with his case manager from the Community Care Access Centre and she's set up some supports for him. I think I need to think about long-term care. I don't know what to do...I hate this...I feel so bad for him.

I don't know if he understood what I told him regarding this doctor's news. He seemed happy - I think he confused this surgical option with the surgery for removing the leg. I'm not sure. He said something that really disturbed me. He said that he was happy with how much time he's had. I didn't pursue the conversation as I think I knew what he meant.

New goals?

For me, it's about goal setting. If I can set a goal, it gives me something to work towards. And...somehow or other, I figure things out.

I was thinking about my situation, and the extreme unhappiness I'm having with respect to work-place statisfaction. I thought about what had made me happy about work and how I can get back to that place. I enjoyed teaching...as an adminstrator I work with disgruntled people - kids, parents, teachers - rarely do they come in to tell me something good, mostly just problems or concerns. Teaching - interacting with students - developing curriculum - seeing the light in my students eyes as the lesson clicked for them -- that was joy. How can I get back to that joy and pursue "art happiness."

Two things happened this past week - one, a casual conversation with a friend and second, a trip to the library.

The conversation: My friend AH is program coordinator for a Continuing Education program and was talking about how great that experience is in contrast to role in the day as administrator. It's a role she enjoys...meeting people who want to learn - whether it's for pleasure, interest or somehow work-related. Teachers who are keen to share what they know.

The trip to the Library: I wanted to take out the South Beach diet book because I want to kick start my weight loss and get that last 10 pounds off (yes, I know, famous last words). While there I browsed in the Art section and found a spiral bound book by Nancy Reyner - Acrylic Revolution: New Tricks and Techniques for Working with the World's Most Versatile Medium. I took the books out and when I was going through Acrylic Revolution I thought about how someone could use it as a textbook for experimenting in art.

Then the idea: I thought how great it would be to teach a night school course through Con Ed. We could explore the versatility of acrylics and do a sampling of exercises from the book. Anyway, I was so excited I sat down and started preparing a ten week lesson plan. A LESSON PLAN. Something I haven't done in almost 5 years. It was fun! I told AH about it and she got all excited and wants me to commit to teaching at her school in January.

Well...I put the brakes on that. I can't see it happening this year...but maybe next September. I (once again) don't have the confidence in myself...which is crazy, 'cause one of the courses I taught one year was a course on PhotoShop - which I had never used before!! Yet, the kids did great, produced some amazing work, and I felt great about it at the end of the year!!

Hmm....something to think about.

Update on my life...

It's been many months since my last post. Since then, I have turned 50, have been taking belly dancing classes, cycled 200 kilometers from Toronto to Niagara Falls, pulled out from the promotion track at work 'cause I'm taking care of my ailing father, lost about 10 pounds, and am still dreaming of being a painter. So, with all the things I have achieved, what is holding me back from a dream I've had since I was a child. What stops me? Fear? Self-confidence? Self-esteem? Well? Yes, all of the above. The fear I have is the voice in my head that says "who am I to think I am an artist without 'training' or 'education'?" Thanks to this core fear I have very little self-confidence and low self-esteem. This is a perfect example of self-sabotage or a self fulfilling prophecy.

How do I create a new self fulfilling prophecy? This is the question. This is my quest.

what's tough about being an only child?

You're the only one. The only one to take care of your mother when she is dying. The only one to take care of your father with whom you have never really had a good relationship. The only one to make a decision on elder care for a father who has always been strong and is in both physical pain from a terrible infection on his diabetes ravaged body and is mentally in pain because he can't be the strong father figure his only daughter has always know.

What's so tough about being an only child? There is no one else to share stories from when you were a child. There's no one else to share in the pain when you lost your mother and are watching your father grow weaker as he grows older.

What's so tough? There are only the memories you have...alone. The stories you try to share with your family who really don't understand or, maybe, don't care because they have their own memories they are building.

It's tough being an only child...even when you're 50.

On being 50

I started this blog with the intention of tracking my weight loss and exercise as I trained for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Since I turned 50 this past May, there has been a change in my perspective on life. No big surprise, this is what every 50-year-old professes. But, it is happening to me now, so it matters more.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer was a challenge I took up as a way to honour my mom and fund-raise in her memory. I had wanted to do something for her, but nothing seemed to fit, until I heard about this event. I've also signed up as a volunteer for Sunnybrook Hospital's Underwear Affair - for cancers below the waist. My grandmother died of ovarian cancer, so this will be a way to do something for her. I have also signed up for next year's Ride.

I'm restructuring my priorities. I'm not sure work is the be-all and end-all for me as it once was. I feel like I'm in some kind of limbo. So, in the meantime, I am taking on challenges and trying things. One of those things is belly-dancing. I've wanted to do this for years and years...and this was the year!!! I love it...I can't even express how much fun it is and how freeing being able to dance is. My dream, as a child, was to be a dancer...and in some ways, this fulfills that dream.

That comes to the change in focus of this blog. I will continue my enternal battle of the bulge, but I will enjoy exploring and trying new things and write on being 50.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer - Day 2

We got home late from the hospital so I didn't take a shower before bed...I just wanted to sleep. We got up early Sunday morning, showered and joined everyone for breakfast...only...everyone had breakfast earlier than us and were on their bikes ready for the 'start'. Oh well...we took out time, which later proved to be problematic as we were at the end of the 'biker pack.'

I was determined to ride the ENTIRE course this day. But as the day went on we lagged behind. I was ENJOYING THE SCENERY which not everyone else seem to be doing. It was so beautiful. When we got up to the top of the escarpment my breath was just taken with the beauty. Even though it was overcast, it was spectacular!!

We continued on. Mia was worried about me and kept asking if I was OK. I know she was frustrated because she kept having to stop to wait for me to catch up. I wasn't intending on over-exerting myself, so that didn't make anything better. I wasn't in a rush...it wasn't a race...I was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I was actually taking up such a challenge and that even greater than that I was doing it for people who have a fight 100 times greater than my issues that day. I was so inspired by the survivors on the Ride and the stories from other riders and family and friends they had lost and were dedicating their rides for. For me, my mother was foremost in my mind. I think she would have been proud...for certain, she would have thought I was nuts...but she would have been proud for fundraising and trying to help in whatever capacity I could do.
This was a great weekend, no matter what! Near the end of the Ride, Mia became really worried about me and that we wouldn't make it to the finish line. She flagged over one of the sweep vehicles and was talking to them. By the time I reached them, they asked if they could take us up to within 3 km of the finish line and drop us off. We had done about 90 km so far and I did not want to give up - I was determined I would do the whole 100 km and ride across the finish line. I looked at Maria and asked her if this is what she wanted to do. She nodded 'yes' and I agreed for her sake. I was angry but I didn't want to upset Mia more.
The sweep vehicle dropped us off 3 km before the finish line and we rode in across the finish line. There were cheerers along the path and the announcer called out that our group was coming in. Mia crossed first and, as the cheerers were cheering, turned to me and say "Why can't every day begin like this!" So funny...but true!
This was such a huge event in my life...after marriage and childbirth, of course...that everything else seems not as significant as it was before. This ride put things into perspective for me somehow. I can't explain how...but it did.
We've signed up for next year already.

The Ride to Conquer Cancer - Day 1

The Ride to Conquer Cancer came and went and we did great! Such a great day, such a great event. It started on Friday June 20th - Day Zero - down at the CNE in the Direct Energy Centre where we parked our bikes overnight, handed in the remainder of our donations, picked up jerseys, maps and our bike tags. Cancer survivors received an additional bike marker - a yellow flag attached to the rear wheel. It was amazing to see so many people...and to see so many survivors.



Saturday June 21st - Day One - we all picked up our bikes and gathered in the parking lot across from the Direct Energy Centre. Following the Opening Ceremonies we were let out onto Lakeshore Blvd. For the most part, the road was closed off up until around Malton. We were in Mississaugua by 10:30. I don't think I realized the scope of the ride...and quite frankly, I didn't think about it at all for precisely that reason. I think if I had consciously thought about what it meant to ride 200 kilometers, I would have scared myself silly and would not even have riden.



The weather was somewhat overcast, but it didn't rain ....which was good! There were cheerers along the way...so great! After lunch on the first day, we approached and reached the Niagara Escarpment. Boy, oh boy, was that tough! It was an upward climb, very hilly, and when I couldn't ride, I would get off my bike and walk up. Maria was taking the hills really agressively and was about half a kilometer ahead of me most of the way. It wasn't until we were almost at the third pit stop that I finally gave in and got a lift from the sweeper vehicles. I was sooo out of breath and my chest was killing me. Maria stayed on course and we met at the pit stop. There was still alot of hills left and I didn't think I could do the rest for that day - I had successfully rode about 70km the first day and I was not too proud or too stupid to continue when I didn't feel well enough - so I decided to take the bus into camp.

Maria decided to join me on the bus to Mohawk College in Hamilton. It was fun and there were a lot of people on it...many of them were very young and "fit-looking"...so I didn't feel so bad. We didn't stay in the camp, we had a suite in the Mohawk College Residence, so we went up, changed, and went down to the camp. I thought I'd go to the Medical Tent and talk to them about the chest pain I was having...and before I knew it, I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. Without going into the story...I was OK and sent 'home' with permission to continue the Ride the next day.

I'm 50!

Today I am 50 years old and what a weekend it's been so far. My kids and husband conspired to surprise me with tickets to "We Will Rock You" - a fantastic show featuring the music of Queen. My husband and I went yesterday (today is the last day of the show) and sat just rows away from the stage - fantastic seats for a fantastic show!!! When we came home, we immediately headed out to have a family dinner at a great local Italian restaurant. Today is Mother's Day and my birthday. It's 8:45 am and the kids are still sleeping. The plan for today is church and then Maria and I will get on our bikes for a long ride...with the Ride to Conquer Cancer only about 5 weeks away, we have to kick up the training a bit.

First Post

This is the first post to my newest blog...my blog about my crafts hobbies - sewing, knitting, crotcheting, quilting, and needlepoint. I have had a needle in my hand since I can remember - my earliest memory is from when I was about 4 and sitting in my mother's lap at her industrial Singer while she pressed the foot and I guided the fabric. I sewed many of my Barbie's outfits. I learned to knit alongside my mother and learned to crotchet with me Aunt. As a young girl, I sewed many of my outfits - including my Prom outfit. I sewed much of my maternity wear when I was pregnant with my children, sewed my children's shorts and shirts, and many of my daughter's dresses.

My goal for this blog is to chronicle many of these projects as well as highlighting current projects. An online photo-album, of sorts.

April 12, 2008

Haven't posted in a long time. Have been up and down. I've been exercising in preparation for the Ride to Conquer Cancer. I've switched plans from Weight Watcher's Core to Flex. I was still overeating on the Core plan. The Flex is giving me more control in that I need to eat within the prescribed amount of points. Although Core is easier for maintaining - it's the plan I will go to once I've reached my goal.

Although I'm not losing a lot, I am dropping inches. My clothes fit loser and I look like I've lost weight. So, that's good!!

2.4 down...thanks to stress

I dropped 2.4 pounds this week...and I don't think it was because I did anything right. It was a terribly stressful week and I exercised only twice. I'm back on track with my monthly goal, though. Only 1.4 pounds to be where I'm aiming for by the end of February.

My aunt's in the hospital...she has pneumonia and is 92 years old. I know she's lived a long life...but she is my mom's last living sister and my second mom. I went to see her today. I feel so sad...so very, very sad. My mother died in March...we're coming up on her 6th anniversary...my aunt could go the same time. I'm praying for her...

not too good today

Didn't do particularly well today. Gained 1.6 lbs and I feel quite upset with myself. I know it's from the snacking throughout the week 'cause of the stress at work. I stepped up the exercising as I'm training for the Ride to Conquer Cancer and thought that that would somehow even things out...obviously, didn't! Well, I'll get back on track this week and have a loss next week.

I might have a team...

I was talking with Mary yesterday and mentionned the Ride to Conquer Cancer...and she said she was thinking of doing it too. So, we're both beginning the training (I did 11.5 km twice this week) and we're going to the orientation and then we'll see. Now to figure out how to ask people for donations. I think this is one of the things they teach you at the orientation.

My daughter is coming home from Hamilton this morning so I'll see if she wants to go...then we'll be a team of three!!!

Ride to Conquer Cancer

I'm up 0.2 lbs this week, but that's OK because I was down alot last week, this is probably just a correction.

I'm thinking of riding in the "Ride for the Cure" this coming summer. It's a 200 km ride from Toronto to Niagara Falls at the end of June. It would be in honour of my mother, as well as my husband's brother and his dads. I've signed up for an Orientation session on February 25th. The thing that worries me is the amount of money you're supposed to raise is huge...but I guess they teach you how to do that. I had already decided I would throw myself a 50th b-day party-fundraiser with the intention to donate to the Cancer Society....so I would use it for the ride instead.

The ride is over two days and we camp in Hamilton. I've never camped before and that might be a good experience (well, it'll be an experience...I don't know if it'll be good...I wouldn't describe myself as a camper). I mentionned it to my daughter and my youngest son and they're thinking about it. I'm to talk to my other son, his girlfriend and my husband later today.

Hmmm....I'm feeling excited about this!

http://www.conquercancer.ca/

down 2.2 lbs!!

Well...this week I decided I would cut the cream out of my coffee. I'm doing CORE which, if I were following it properly, I would have to count the points for the cream...but I haven't been. So, this week I decided to replace the cream with skim milk (not as pleasureable, but I managed)...and I lost 2.2 pounds. I also worked out...Lynne had me do a new workout which really worked my abdominals...ouch!

So, in the grand scheme of things...my goal for January was to lose 3 pounds, and I've lost 5.0 lbs. February is a rougher month for me at work so my goal is 2 pounds. What I have to focus on is not munching (or binging) when I'm stressed. What's coming up at work? I'm getting 2 new half-time secretaries to replace my one regular secretary, I'm prep-ing for a whole school initiative, as well as prep-ing for the promotion process at work. Lost to be stressed about...but I think I can do it!

Mary's baby shower...

Just got back from a baby shower my friend Mary threw for her niece. It was very "English" - petit fours, little crustless sandwiches, little cakes, etc....and I have some of everything. OMG!! So, how I deal with this for the rest of the week is my challenge. I've used most of my 35 points and have 14 left for the remainder of the week. Since I'm doing CORE, it means I can't snack on non-CORE foods for the rest of the week...or, at least, be very careful and prudent. I can do it!

Lost 1.0 lbs!!

Doesn't sound like much when you hear other women at the WW meetings who have lost 3 and 4 pounds, but for me this is great! This year I'm trying to plan my weight loss out over the year. I love planning and live my professional life with plans, checklists, to-do lists, etc. and get great satisfaction when I succeed in achieving my goals. If I don't achieve them, I re-evaluate my goals and decide whether or not to proceed, and review where I want to be at any given time. It's a strategy that's worked well for me throughout my career - whether it was in education, like now, or when I worked in the private sector in the computer field. It works and I feel good! But it never dawned on me to do the same for my health...well, it did "dawn on me" but I never actually did anything about it. And, ya, I've done the New Year's resolution bit, but that wasn't specific enough, it wasn't SMART - Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely - the exact strategy that works for me at work, I had never applied to weight loss and health.

So, this year, in the year that I turn 50 - I finally get it. I've set weight loss goals throughout the year. Each month I've identified an amount of weight I want to loss - considering work demands and knowing some months are more stressful that others. Allowing me to have some comfort foods if I really need to and can't divert to something else. I've also hired a Personal Trainer who is really fantastic and do not cancel workouts no matter how tired or depressed or stressed I am. I've also set out an outfit I would like to wear on my birthday and another outfit for New Year's Eve 2008/9.

I've been setting short-term weekly goals, and trying to keep them. This week, I'm going to stop using cream in my coffee and switch to skim milk. I thought a little cream in my coffee won't make so much difference, but I think it does, in more ways that weight. It could be part of the problem with my choloesterol (which is a whole other story).

I think...no, I know I'm on the right path. I will continue to journal here, 'cause it's easier to type here than to write in my journal. For this month, my goal was to lose 3 pounds, so far I've lost 2.8 - so 0.2 for next week and I've met January's goal!!

back to the purpose of this blog

The original purpose was a place to track my progress with my health plan for 2008...lose weight, exercise and look great when I turn 50!!

I've been working out with a personal trainer who is just great! She's nice, she's just a regular woman, and she makes me work hard but doesn't go into overkill. My weight is fluctuating, but I'm learning to eat better...so once the penny drops and I still to the Weight Watchers plan, hopefully the weight will come off too.

So, I'm plugging away at it...staying hopeful, optimistic, and positive.

epiphany

Today is the Theophany of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

About the beginning of our Lord's thirtieth year, John the Forerunner, who was some six months older than Our Saviour according to the flesh, and had lived in the wilderness since his childhood, received a command from God and came into the parts of the Jordan, preaching the baptism of repentance unto the remission of sins. Then our Saviour also came from Galilee to the Jordan, and sought and received baptism though He was the Master and John was but a servant. Whereupon, there came to pass those marvellous deeds, great and beyond nature: the Heavens were opened, the Spirit descended in the form of a dove upon Him that was being baptized and the voice was heard from the Heavens hearing witness that this was the beloved Son of God, now baptized as a man (Matt. 3:13-17; Mark 1:9-11; Luke 3:1-22). From these events the Divinity of the Lord Jesus Christ and the great mystery of the Trinity were demonstrated. It is also from this that the present feast is called "Theophany," that is, the divine manifestation, God's appearance among men. On this venerable day the sacred mystery of Christian baptism was inaugurated; henceforth also began the saving preaching of the Kingdom of the Heavens. (ref: http://www.iconograms.org/sig.php?eid=374)

January 5, 2008

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 78 years old today. She died March 14, 2002 and I still miss her terribly.

Eurterpe (Efterpe)

According to Wikipedia:

In Greek mythology, Euterpe (pronounced /IPA [ef' terpi] in Modern Greek and meaning "rejoicing well" or "delight") was one of the Muses, the daughters of Mnemosyne, fathered by Zeus. Called the "Giver of Pleasure", when later poets assigned roles to each of the Muses, she was the muse of music. In late Classical times she was named muse of lyric poetry and depicted holding a flute.

A few say she invented the aulos or double-flute, though most mythographers credit Marsyas with its invention. The river Strymon impregnated Euterpe; her son Rhesus led a band of Thracians and was killed by Diomedes at Troy, according to Homer's Iliad.

Her name is from Greek eu (good, well) and τέρπ-εω (to please)