Day 26 (my day 13) - A Home for the Soul

I am at home, no matter where I am.

This week has been like coming home, in more ways than one.

Somehow, I feel Earth week is MY week. I am a tree-hugger. My husband and kids are tree huggers. My parents grew up in villages in the mountains of their country where nature was respected for it's power and glory. The focal point of our home renovation was the addition of a greenhouse-like front entry. Our foyer has nine sky lights and is flooded with light when the sun is out. At night, you can see the stars and the moon, and during a shower (or thunderstorm) you can hear the water hitting the glass. Our foyer is filled with plants that flourish under these conditions.

This week, also, I brought my father home from the hospital and arranged services to support him. Being in my childhood home makes me feel grounded. Though my current situation is difficult, I stay strong (or, at least, am trying to stay strong) through the grounding I have in my family and in my faith. My soul truly feels at home, no matter where I am.

Today, I plan to complete the circle by creating an alter at work so wherever I am, I have a place to land.

Day ??

Past few days have been busy with my father...getting him home from the hospital, setting up home care, medications, etc. Am still detoxing, both my body and spirit. It's been a very emotional time and I'm just moving forward as best I can. My father's always said, "just push forward" ...he says, "you can't stand still"...and I guess that's what's helped me get through so many difficulties in my life.

This morning I woke up with a song in my head...."put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor; put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door." These lyrics were sung by Mickey Rooney in "Santa Clause is coming to Town" and I've posted them below.

Strange as it may seem, there are a few tv shows (mainly TV Christmas specials) that have made strong impressions on me and my perspective on life. Another scene/song which, as a kid (and as an adult), made me feel OK with not always "fitting in" to society's norm is from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" where Rudolph and Herbie sing "We're a Couple of Misfits". That show, in particular, is full of songs that I relate to....but I'll save that for now....like Clarice said to Rudolph..."there's always tomorrow for dreams to come true, tomorrow is not far away."


Put One Foot In Front Of The Other
by Bass, Jules

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

(repeat chorus twice)

Day 22 (my day 9) - Connective with Your Body

I am one with the earth. I am one with my body.

Oh boy, do I still have issues with me body!! Well, I like it more than I thought I did...after doing Denise's survey (p. 167-8), I realized I liked more than I hated. This month marks a year since I made the committment to take care of my body. I've since lost almost 15 pounds (4.5 this week alone - but that, I'm sure, was due to stress). I'm stronger. I'm regaining my flexibility. I've re-introduced yoga into my routine. And I try to mediate a few times a week.

I was reading ahead, and it is an interesting path, this Soul Coaching. Interesting from a number of perspectives. One being that since I started in the middle, I didn't think I would be in sync with the program and everyone else. But the coincidences have been many and uncanny.

I am a Greek Orthodox Christian and the Christmas Lent period began November 15th. I usualy do one week of lent, for no good excuse than it's hard cooking every night and I have to when we are on lent. What is lent for a Greek Orthodox Christian? It is a fast or abstinence from all animal foods - this includes butter, milk, eggs, fish, meat, etc. - anything for any animal (including fish) that bleeds.

"To the devout, fasting is a total-body experience to purify the body and the soul. To fast means to demonstrate self-control over temptations, sins, unkind feelings and material desires." (Christmas in Greece, pub by WorldBook)

So, what's so uncanny?...tomorrow we begin to detox our body. This week in addition to detoxing my body, I will detox my spirit...and my soul.

Day 21 (my day 8) - Fanning the Flames of Your Creativity

Incredible creative life force flows through my entire being.

I'm a little distracted from this journey because of the journey I am on with my ailing father. I am participating as much as I can as I feel the universe still guides us wherever we may be in our lives. What I've been doing is scanning the day's entry in the book, and then coming back to it at the end of the day to see if, unconsciously, my soul has been following the soul coaching path.

Yesterday, Saturday was the last day of the Fire Week and about expressing yourself in some creative activity. Though I didn't do the exercise Denise suggested, I did do a whole bunch of sewing. Mending and altering items that had been sitting waiting for me for some time.

I think I will go back and do the activity in Level 3 at a later time as I think it is an important one. I did similar boards before we started our renovation and it created a map for the vision we had for our home and it still serves as a guide as we add details.

Day 20 (my day 7) -Your Spiritual Allies

I am a loving spiritual being.

Somehow I feel my whole job is about supporting people to make the world a better place. As an educator, you touch many lives. I am blessed that I always have former students connecting with me and telling my what an impact I have had in their lives. Most importantly, they all say that they knew I really cared about them. That is so huge for me, it validates that I am making an impact student by student, family by family, and my hope is that this does ultimately make our world a better place.

Day 19 (my day 6) - Facing your death, Embracing your life

I live in the present moment with courage and love.

This affirmation says it all. With my current situation with my father, I am everpresent in th enow and facing what every day brings with courage and with love. As I lit my candle on Thursday, I repeated "Although I have a body and identity, it is not who I am. In my essence, I am Divine Light." I am at peace with my life and I am always aware that today could be my last day. Denise's questions 3 and 4 for level 2 are rather difficult to answer because although I try to live to avoid making decisions I regret, there will always be regrets - choices and actions we could have made differently.

The following is a prayer I learned from a yoga teacher many years ago, and I find it helps me centre.

The Divine Light Invocation

I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light

Ever time I repeat it, I feel warm and peace, may it bring you the same.

Day 18 (my day 5) - Being Present, Saying Yes to Life

I invite the pure light of the sun into my heart. May it shine from my heart to the world.

Today was about being in the present moment - and THAT I was! I had been taking days 4 and 5 of the Cognitive Coaching Foundation course through work. My father hadn't been well earlier in the week and on Wednesday, staying everpresent in the 'now', when I called my father I could tell immediately he was not well. I could not have been more present in the moment on this day that I ever have. Unsure about what would happen to him and knowing the decisions I will have to face as his only child.

I put my trust and faith in God, as I always do (some times more than other). Denise says in the level 3 section, "maybe you cannot change all the experiences you have today, but you can certainly choose your reaction to them." Rather than being emotion, I chose to be strong for my father and have been trying to think rationally and consider what options are best for him and for myself at this point.

I am blessed in my life for having had loving parents, for a having wonderful husband and really great kids. I am blessed for having had the opportunities of education, career, and the freedom to reflect on my life and change what didn't fit.

Father in hospital

This has been another difficult week. My father's breathing seemed laboured on Monday when we went for his audiology test. I considered going upstairs in the clinic to see his doctor, but then I thought I might be overreacting. Tuesday I could still hear his breathing over the phone, then Wednesday when I called from the workshop it's sounded worse. I left early, went over to see him, and called the doctor's office to ask them what we should do. They said to come right over. They took my father in right away, sent him for x-ray and ECG and sent us to the hospital - congestive heart failure is what the doctor said he believed was going on.

Once we got to TEGH they promptly took us in. After a number of tests, they decided to admit it and that's where he is now. I'm frustrated because I haven't spoken with his doctor and don't know is going on. The doctor told my father he is going home on Monday, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I don't know what to do. This is probably one of the toughest situations I've ever been in...I feel so alone in making this decision. I pray God will give me some insight into what I should do.

Need prayers

My father was admitted into the hospital last night for cardiac problems (still don't know exactly what, but he is in the cardiac acute care wing of the hospital).

A poem for my mother

Our Mothers
By Christina Rossetti

Our Mothers, lovely women pitiful;
Our Sisters, gracious in their life and death;
To us each unforgotten memory saith:
"Learn as we learned in life's sufficient school,
Work as we worked in patience of our rule,
Walk as we walked, much less by sight than faith,
Hope as we hoped, despite our slips and scathe,
Fearful in joy and confident in dule."
I know not if they see us or can see;
But if they see us in our painful day,
How looking back to earth from Paradise
Do tears not gather in those loving eyes?—
Ah, happy eyes! whose tears are wiped away
Whether or not you bear to look on me.


My mother didn't like me to worry, but I'm worried all the time. I'm worried about my father. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried about my husband. I'm worried about work. I'm worried about myself. I feel badly that she may be looking down at me and that she may feel sad for me. I miss her so much. A day doesn't go by without thinking about her.

Day 17 (my day 4) - Facing the Shadow

I unconditionally accept all parts of myself.

Today we were supposed to be aware of every time we negatively judged others. This is a habit I've gotten into, particularly when I'm going through a low period, and I don't like it. What I found interesting is the question we had to ask ourselves, "Could this trait possibly be something that I have exhibited in the past, am currently exhibiting, or am capable of manifesting in the future?" I haven't thought of that before. It certainly has caused me to think, particularly today because I was on a workshop and I tend to get into a negative space and get into "judgment" mode. Weird...but it must be traits I recognize in myself that I dislike and react to. It makes sense.

I did the level 1 exercise - replacing "should" with "could" - I found this to be freeing somehow. It really did remove the guilty feelings associated with statements that include "should." The level 2 and 3 exercises were just too much to deal with from an emotional standpoint. Maybe I'll come back to them. I will be try to dance out the darkness and dance in the light, though, before I go to bed tonight. I find taking the belly dance classes have helped alot in that way. The classes also help I feel about myself and my body. We did a dance last night that felt sensual and a lot of fun while within a safe environment with other women of all shapes, sizes, and ages.

For now, I will defer to Charlotte Bronte's words, sign off, and go dance.

"The human heart has hidden treasures,

In secret kept, in silence sealed;­

The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,

Whose charms were broken if revealed.

And days may pass in gay confusion,

And nights in rosy riot fly,

While, lost in Fame's or Wealth's illusion,

The memory of the Past may die. "

(first verse of Evening Solace)

Day 16 (my day 3) - Taking Risks

I am free to experience joy in every moment...no matter what is happening in my life.

I really liked today affirmation. I tried to repeat that throughout the day...no matter what was happening (and alot was happening).

Today was about having fun, stepping out of our comfort zone, and breaking habits. I tried to deviate from the usual, although "old habits die hard" I was able to change my route to work a bit. I tried to have fun in everything I did today, but sometimes my best intentions were foiled. I DID have a great talk with an old friend who gave me some insight into how to deal with my difficult situation. And I told my father to a medical appointment and managed to make his laugh. That was probably the best thing today - he's been ill and it was nice to see him laugh.

After the day was over, I came home and listened to Handel's Water Music, had dinner (by myself...everyone seemed to get home late tonight) and then went to my belly-dancing class, which is always fun and I'm always stepping out of my comfort zone!!

All in all, a good day. I don't know that I gained any soulful insights...any insight to changing habits that do not support me. Maybe that will come as the week goes on.

Day 15 (my Day 2) - Confronting Fear, Developing Faith

I am safe.

What an interesting morning. I couldn't sleep all night because of the rain and frozen rain, then this morning after I finally got a couple of hours of early morning sleep, I woke up to my bedroom flooded with sunlight. What a wonderful start to Fire Week.

I quickly came down and sat beside the altar I've set up in the living room and read/started today's tasks. I light a candle and began with the Level 1 task of listing my fears. There are many. I acknowledge my fears about the past, my fears about the future, my fear of rain and thunderstorms, as well as my fears of losing my father, my family, my memories, my mind, and of crumbling down in weakness.

The scenario I played out was the last. What would happen if I crumble down into my weaknesses? Would it empower my children? Would it be the beginning of a "Lillian re-boot" - a re-building or renovation of myself? You can only build if you have a cleared foundation, right? It could mean my own rebirth.

12:40 - I read a section I had taken from Thursday's newspaper. It was about old age, dementia, Alzheimer's. It was very timely that I read it today and it validated that what I am trying to do with my health - that is, exercising regularly, trying to eat right, keeping an eye on my cholesterol - is on the right path to preventing that which I fear most - losing my mind.

We'll see what the rest of the day holds. I'm not sure if I will attempt Level 2 or 3 today, but we'll see, the day is young.

Fabricland is closing

My local Fabricland is closing it's doors this weekend. They've moved to a newer, bigger location and have had a clearance sale for the last month. I was hoping to get there today, but didn't manage to...but I did go the last two weekends. One of the days I went with my younger son and I was looking at buying fabric to make slipcovers for two chairs in our living room. In his desire to get out of the store, he turned, grabbed a bolt of fabric and said "what about this?" Well, didn't it turn out to be beautiful fabric. It is a rusty-red colour with pin dots in light orange and yellow. The chairs are going to look incredible once I sew the slipcovers. I have the fabric thrown over the chairs for now, but it looks beautiful. Good choice, son!!

Blister packs

Trying to make things easier doesn't always. I asked my father's doctor to order his medications in Blister pack pill dispensers in order to make it easier for him to take his pills. Well, it hasn't gone too well. I called today and he was upset because he couldn't figure them out. I guess it's my fault because I didn't get to his house after school yesterday when the first pack was delivered to explain to him how to use them. I asked him to ask the VON nurse to help him, but I guess he didn't. He was so confused when we got there this afternoon. He was in tears as I tried to explain it. I got very frustrated and my daughter, M, explained it to him slowly and he listened to her. I fee so bad. I don't know what to do. I think I'm right leaving him at home and having CCAC help with his personal care and light house keeping, but I always feel guilty. There's so much I need to do for him, for us, and yet I feel paralyzed.

Day 14 - Releasing Victim Thinking, Choosing Your Life (Day 1 for me)

I was planning on starting Soul Coaching tomorrow, the first day of the Fire week. But after I woke up and came downstairs, I sat down and read today's entry in Denise Linn's book. It seemed so appropriate for what I was feeling already this morning, I thought I would plunge in. Denise Linn, in her introductory, says start when you feel it's right...and somehow, that was today, the last day of the water week.

It was raining this morning and has been all day. After I got up from bed I weighed myself, as I usually do, particularly on Saturdays because I go to the morning Weight Watcher's meeting. I was up another pound and immediately started with the negative talk. "Why can't I stop binging when I'm upset? Why can't I get control of myself?" etc. So, it was funny (or serendipitous) to read in Soul Coaching that today's Level 1 task was to take negative questions and make them noble questions. Sometimes I feel like I've cornered the market on negative questions, so this exercise would likely be challenging...and it was.

Using Denise's sample questions, I came up with my own version of noble questions:
1. How can I nourish and strengthen my body and build a positive self-image?
2. How can I feel more abundant?
3. How can I honour myself?

I tried the Level 2 questions, using the situation at work. I am clearly being bullied by a superior and quite honestly feel victimized but can't figure my way out of it. I could answer question 1 and 2. But when it came to answering number 3 and 4, I couldn't even begin. I've gone back to those questions throughout the day, and still have no answer. I know Denise says the answers are within each of us, but at this point at time, I still don't have an answer. I'm hoping it may come to me through this journey.

Level 3 exercise was good...I addressed very painful, pivotal events in my life and feel some peace after repeating the affirmation. Even events from my childhood. I think over time I have come to peace with them, but this felt like it was a good cleansing... how very appropriate for the last day of the water week.

Interesting email

Just on the eve of starting the Soul Coaching I received this email from my fitness trainer, so I thought I would post part of it here.

St. Theresa's Prayer: May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Soul Coaching

I've decided to join a book club blog using Denise Linn's book, Soul Coaching. It's 28 days to enlightenment, so something similar. It feels a lot like Julia Cameron's an Artist's Way. I found that book was extremely helpful when my mom was sick and following her death. I've read some of the blogs of the members of this book club and they all seem so thoughtful, most either artist or in some way in pursuit of a creative life. That's what I want, and I suppose for the most part, that's what I have...only it's not in the form that I wish.

Since I'm starting the book mid-way through, I will be starting tomorrow which will be the first day of the Fire Week. I've read the section and the day's focus is facing one's fears. All day, that's what I've been thinking about my fears...

Long-term care

I met with my father's family doctor, Dr. WO, yesterday. I needed to get some repeats on prescriptions and ask the doctor for the referrals Dr. WE needs before he can test my father for the hyperbaric therapy. I also talked to the doctor about proceeding with filling out the paperwork for my father to enter long-term care eventually. Dr. WO mentionned that he was one of the doctors that works out of one of the long-term care facilities I was considering and that he could help get my father in if we decided we wanted him to go there. That is somewhat hopeful. In the meantime, I have to get my dad to have the tests he needs done, get his medications in order, and move forward from there...whatever "forward" is.

My son, P, told me about a former student from my last school who passed away recently at his own hands. It's so sad. I remember the student as being a dynamic, yet unusual, young man. One who was involved in various creative aspects of the school. He apparently was a talented diver and most recently an upcoming fashion photographer who was well known in that industry. It's always so hard to hear about the death of a young person. Someone who seemingly had everything to live for, yet, obviously had some demons of his own that he couldn't cope with. So sad, such a waste. Contrast that with my dear father who is fighting for his life.