Reflection on the last day at this workplace...

Well, today was the last day at my current workplace. Although I'm glad to move on, I'm sad to leave. I already miss the people I work with...the relationships that have developed over the past couple of years. I will miss the potential that has not been realized and I will miss what might have been. I cleared my office, erased my hard drive, deleted my phone greeting and messages. I have cleared all evidence of my existence in that office. Sad to say, but that's how it had to be. I look forward...as I always do...to new experiences, new relationships, new potential. As my father says, just keep moving forward.

Back to Belly Dance

It's been a few months since I've done any regular exercising...which is actually a sad thing to say as I have been consistant for since November 2007. Firstly, losing my trainer really threw me off. I didn't realize how important it was to have her come here and motivate me to exercise. I haven't gone to belly dance classes in the last two sessions...I think May was the last time, in a year, that I went to a session. My shoulders are killing me, I wake up in the morning sore and sluggish. When I was exercising, I was almost symptom-free. So, tonight (even though the this session started last week) I am going back to belly dance...and I'm really happy about it!

Here's a video I found from a dance group in Rome...really excellent!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iM43MDAN-8Y&feature=channel

NOTE TO SELF

When you commit to yourself to start a new weight loss plan, DON'T go to a BBQ party and cruise the buffet table and the dessert table with the intention of just looking BECAUSE you can't just look without trying!!!

...easing into summer

I'm really looking forward to this summer. I'm hoping my father will be well enough to finally leave the hospital. He's tired and wants to get on with life. Since he's been on the anti-depressants, he seems more like himself. He's talking about going home, about his garden, about things he cares about.

I'm hoping I can pull myself together after the past few years and get on track with both my body and my career. It's really sad that when stress hits, I hit myself - I fill my body with all the crap I try not to eat or drink. I head straight for the chocolate, or the chips and coke, or the bottle of wine, or whatever is in the pantry that doesn't resemble any food found in nature.

Oh what a week...

The last weeks of school are always crazy, crazy. Everyone is either happy or upset about one thing or another. Students are happy about it FINALLY being over but upset about missing their friends over the summer or upset about a mark they think they didn't deserve. Teachers are upset about short timelines, paperwork, and basic wrap-up things they have to do but at the same time they are starting to wind down, looking forward to summer and even looking further forward to September. For me, closing a school is incredibly intense because we are both closing the school and preparing for the opening. There are extemely short deadlines on everything that has to be finished by "year-end". It's go-go-go! It's also the time teachers are starting to relax a bit and feel like talking as human to human...and these are the relationships I wish to nurture.

Teachers work so hard all year long, then there's a wrap-up and boom it's summer and you're off. For me, it takes at least two to three weeks just to gear down and the same amount of time to gear up in August in preparation for school. So, taking time to actually talk to teachers about their craft, their practice, their issues, their dreams benefits all. It's helps the teachers to hone their craft, to consolidate ideas they've had and problems they've encountered to create a great learning experience for their students. It helps teachers to understand issues that go on behind the scenes...stuff that goes on while they are in their classroom, stuff you don't need teachers to worry about, but that need doing. It is an exchange that fulfills that human need to communicate and understand. It's a nice way to end a school year and ease into summer...to feed the collective soul.

The enormity of the Ride to Conquer Cancer

Last weekend (June 13/14) was the Ride to Conquer Cancer. Because of my personal situation with my dad, I wasn't able to fund raise as hard as last year or even train. I did raise around $2000 ($500 less than what you need to ride) and it me proud to know that I have such great supporters. So, my daughter and I decided to be Crew members - our jobs - to drive the Sweep Vehicle and pick up any riders who were hurt or for some reason couldn't go on.

Well, to say it was gratifying would be an understatement. Last year when we rode, I was overwhelmed with the enormity of the Ride - the number of people participating (2700), the funds raised in total ($14 million), the route of the Ride (through the hills of the Niagara escarpment), and the length of the Ride (200 km in two days). And the fact that I made it (well, almost...I had to be picked up a couple of times)!! All this, to honour my mom and to do something to fit cancer, from which she died.

This year, there were more riders (3400), more money raised ($14.5 million) and a more difficult ride. We were there, as one rider called me, as "guardian angels". Wow! And that's how we felt. We picked up riders that were hurt, that were sick and couldn't go on, we provided water on the terrible hills, we played motivational music - much to the chargrin of the locals, it was fantastic. I also think, in helping in this way, I honoured my mother even more. I supported the Riders, the event, and was part of a relatively small group (300 - as compared to 3400 riders) that ensured the event ran smoothly and safely.

It was beyond terrific...it was enormous in too many ways to write about. My heart felt like that of the Grinch's (only, my heart is already big)...it seemed to grow many sizes over in the course of those two days.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today Jamie asks us to ponder...

Who or what do you wish to play with?

I wish to play with my friends and family.

I wish to be active.

I wish run and play at the beach.

I wish to relax at my cottage.

I wish to dance with wild abandon.

I wish to listen to music so loud my whole body shakes.

I wish to rollerblade again (once I'm down to a "normal" weight so I don't kill myself).

I wish to cycle up hills and still be able to breath!!

I wish to be active with my friends and family.

I wish to dance

And

To all, I Hope You Dance...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTQfERb9HVk

Wishcast Wednesday (on Thursday)

I missed Jamie's Wishcasting yesterday, so I hope it still OK to wishcast today.

This week's Wishcast question was

What do you wish for your body?

That's an easy one for me...

I wish my body to be strong and free of pain. I wish my belly, which has been cut open three times to deliver my wonderful babies (who are not so baby-ish anymore), to be taut and firm. I wish my legs to be strong and my arms not to flip-flop. I wish my shoulders to be straight and back, not hunched and sad. I wish my emotions would stop punishing my body with foods that hurt it. I wish my body to be healthy and a little slimmer. I wish my body to build endurance and not leave me huffing and puffing after a long ride. I love my body and I wish it will carry me into my old age strong and fit.

Few days to Ride to Conquer Cancer

It's only a few days away...The Ride to Conquer Cancer. I was hoping to ride this year, but the reality is I couldn't fund raise under the present circumstances. But, even still, I raised close to $2000.00. My daughter and I will be part of the Sweep Crew - this means we will be driving one of the vehicles that picks up riders who give us the thumbs down and are unable to complete any leg of the ride. Each team is responsible for decorating their vehicle...we've decided to use a pychedelic theme and call ourselves the CYCLEDELICS. At this point, God willing, I'm playing to ride next year and will start fund-raising this summer with a garage sale or two, and take it from there.

My dad has been fairly well for 6 days. His spirits are lifted. He's trying to eat and thinking of foods I can bring him that he has an appetite for. I am hopeful again, although it scares me to be. My wish is that he feels well enough to go back to the long-term care facility and maybe learn how to get around in a wheelchair. He was hoping to get a prothetic leg, but I'm not sure that is realistic. He has lost a lot of weight and I don't know whether he can get his strength back. His birthday is later this month and I would love to take him out of the hospital for a celebration. I'll keep my fingers crossed and continue praying.

Had a good day for a change

I had a pretty good day yesterday, I visited my new workplace and it was great. My daughter was able to visit my dad in hospital, so I didn't need to go. She reported he was in good spirits and that was great to hear. I was able to attend my art class and I felt like I was freed when I was drawing. I haven't felt like that in so long. The instructor liked my work and with each pass commented on how well I was doing. (Even at 51 a teacher's positive remarks are still welcome!) I love drawing and I miss it so much.

In terms of exercise, I haven't been able to fit it in at all. I think I'm going to re-enroll in belly-dance. I had fun and it kept me moving. I've been having more arthritic pain, which I didn't have while I was exercising regularly. What I have done well this week is stick to my eating plan and not binging on snacks or refined carbs. We'll see what the WW scales say tomorrow.

Today is Friday and it's really welcomed!!! TGIF

Wishcasting well wishes

Wishcasting Wednesday, that Jamie has going, is really something else. I made my wish this morning and a bunch of wonderful people responded with their well-wishes and miraculously (or not) my father seemed so much brighter tonight when I visited.

Over the weekend, he was quite down and insistent on me arranging a haircut for him in preparation for the inevitable. I resisted, telling him he wasn't going anywhere, but that I'd order a hair cut just to freshen him up. The hairdresser made it today and he got his cut (a crew cut, which is strangely funny because my father has always had a " '50's haircut"). He was eating on his own, and, with some help from me, ate a good portion of his food, not everything, but he did not refuse, which has been the norm as of late.

I decided to shampoo him since he was in such good spirits so I bundled him at the neck with towels and shampooed and rinsed his hair. He asked for a second lather/rinse, which I did and by the end of it he was laughing with joy. So, I carried on with the "spa treatment", shaved him, washed his hands, cut his nails and got the nurse to change his sheets and gown. He was smiling and laughing, asking me if I still wanted him around. "Are you kidding?!!? Of course I do!"

All in all it was a nice visit, one that I haven't had in a long time. I think either the anti-depressants are kicking in or God heard all the well-wishes and made him feel better. I like to believe the later. Thank you.

Wishcasting Wednesday

Today's wish question is:

What is your wish for June?

My wish for June is for my father to get strong enough to leave the hospital and get on with his new life as an amputee. My wish is for my father to be enlighten that this is not the end of the rope and that he can continue to live a full life, even though it might not the same life he had before his leg was amputated.

I wish my father would start eating again, regardless of whether he thinks hospital food is good or not, but that he will see how important it is to eat in the journey back to health. I wish he will live to see his 84th birthday on June 24th. And I wish for the strength to be there for him without losing myself completely, as I feel parts of me have chipped away and fallen by the wayside.

I wish health for my father and peace for myself.

The toll of stress

The past few days have just been incredibly stressful. My father's emotions are swinging from one end to the other. On Sunday, he was so down, asking to have his hair cut in preparation for his passing. By all medical accounts, he is stable and should be doing well. His emotional well-being though is not well. They started him on anti-depressants which (I hope) will be kicking in soon. As his emotions flucuate, so do mine. As a result, I am exhausted both physically and mentally to the point that I opted out of going to work this morning so I could start the day off slowly. I will be going to the hospital to see him, run some errands, and then off to work. This morning, I was able to wrap up a report that I've been trying to get to for 4 days but, because of the busy-ness at work, have not been able to complete it. The announcement of my move to a new building was made public and I am so very happy about that. Now when things are rough at work, I think about the new beginning in September and can get through my day.

My weight has been flucuating as badly as my emotions. I am retaining water like a sponge. I start the day off with the intentions to stick to my eating and exercise plan, then by the end of the day, I'm off the rails. I suspose I should focus on actually getting through the day and not beat myself up when I don't honour myself by eating properly and exercising. I think I have to preserve what mental well-being I have left to help me get through the next few months. I am trying to remain positive through all this, with the hope my father will get stronger.