Although I have not been able to travel this journey with you all this time, I have been following some of your journeys. I felt compelled to write this morning as I am one of the hardest journey's of my own. My father has been ill and has been in hospital now for about two weeks. I have been going to see him to help him eat, etc. before work when he wakes and after work until he goes to sleep.
What I have found in this experience is that empowering partnerships and alliances sometimes develop without our intent. In my father's room is another older gentleman and staying with him is his daughter. We have formed a bond that I didn't expect and am quite grateful for. She has become my rock in dealing with my father. She has given me strength, hope and courage. And although this is not a creative alliance, for now, this is what I need.
I hope to rejoin you on your creative journey through the 12 Secrets, but right now I am on a different path.
Peace and love to everyone and thank you to Jamie creating such a great forum for meeting of like souls.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
A visit from Nela*
Once again...when I am feeling so low, a student I have worked with drops by for a visit. I was thinking of Nela* for some time. When she came to my school she was a grade 10 student full of fire. A bright young girl who could easily have taken the wrong path. My mission was to keep her on track with school and extra-curriculars that kept her out of trouble. A young girl with a troubled past, emotional at times and, even, inconsolable. On Wednesday, I would describe myself as inconsolable. It was the day before my father's pre-op appointments at the hospital in preparation for his amputation. I got to work and thought I would look up the school Nela* had gone to and call the administrator to find out how she was doing. I had come in to work thinking I would look him up other times but this particular day, I really needed to hear good news...at least, that's what I was hoping to hear.
Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.
After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.
Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.
(*not her real name)
Well...the day flew by and I didn't get a chance to even look up the number, let alone call. It was about 4:15 and I heard some excited conversation in the outer office. And then I heard my name quietly spoken. When I came out there she was...like a little miracle! I hugged her and told her how I had been thinking of her. She told me she was doing really well, close to an 80% average, on the track team at school and setting her post-secondary goals for McMaster University. I was so unbelievably happy, I couldn't contain my emotions. We talked for a little while. She looked so mature, she has become a beautiful young woman.
After she left, I talked with the office assistants and told them it was for students like Nela* that I came into education. The satisfaction that what we do does have a huge impact on our students. And that one by one, we can help kids.
Because of what I am dealing with, I took Nela's* visit as a sign. A sign that everything with my father will be alright. And that will prayer and perseverance, all will be well.
(*not her real name)
Upcoming surgery
Well, that's it...we're here. My father will have his leg amputated next week. What a trial all this has been. This week, in particular, has been very difficult. It seems every time we have a really bad week, you can't imagine it get worse...and then it does! We booked the surgery as a below-the-knee amputation, then this Wednesday the surgeon called me at work. He asked me if I had any questions, I said no, then after an awkward pause, I told him what I understood the plan to be with respect to the upcoming pre-surgical appointment and then the surgery date and procedure. That's when he said, "ya, about that..." He went on to say he had had a chance to read over my father's file and felt that a below-the-knee amputation might not heal properly due to the vascular condition. That there may not be enough circulation below the knee to heal properly and he felt an above-the-knee would be a better choice to avoid a second surgically procedure. I explained, that the hope of a prosthetic leg was what was keeping my father going and I couldn't guess how he would take this news, but also, that I would relay the new information to my father.
The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.
By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.
I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.
The rest of the day at work was a write-off, I was so upset. I talked with a colleague who recently lost her father and she talked me through how I would approach the topic with my father. Since I was going to be with my father the next day, all day, at the hospital for his pre-op, I would discuss it with him there. I did this, and after a few questions and a lot of thought, my father decided above-the-knee as he did not want to have two operations. He is very scared. He even asked where I would bury him if he didn't wake up. It is so difficult seeing him like this.
By the end of the day, he had resigned himself to the whole thing. The anesthesiologist recommended he be frozen from the waist down and not be put under general anesthetic. This is good, because he is less harmful to his heart. The same doctor recommended my father go to a rehabilitation centre in the west end. Which at first I couldn't get my head around, so today I drove over to see it. It's a long drive, but the site is very beautiful and apparently it's an excellent rehab centre specializing in amputees. Apparently they build the prosthetic on site. So, we'll tell the doctor we would like that placement.
I'm so worried for him. I'm also very hopeful. I think things will go well with the surgery and I think he's got the determination to push through the next few months.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
So much pain...
The date is booked and we are all grieving. My father and I met with Dr. W of TEGH - an orthopedic surgeon - who will be doing the surgery. He explained the surgery and the risks. Because of my father's lack of circulation, the below the knee amputation is not looking promising, but it is the surgery they will be doing in order for my father to be fitted with a prosthesis. If it does not heal, they will "revise" the surgery - meaning, they will have a second surgery and cut above the knee. It's funny...(not ha-ha funny) but as I sit here typing it I'm numb. I've have to come to terms with this in the last couple of weeks and am just numb. At work, I have tried to get everything done in case the inevitable occurs. I've done all the work I can for Feb and March.
I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.
I hope my dad comes out of this surgery. I pray it goes well and I pray he will adjust well.
Difficult times
Although I try to keep this blog focused on creative endeavours...aside from cooking and baking, the creative endeavours have been limited. My father is quite ill and I have been taking care of him. Running to doctors and various hospitals in order to try and save his leg, which, unfortunately will be amputated in a week. My father has had type 2 diabetes for about 40 years and he's never managed it well. Always a very stubborn man, he would never listen to advice from his only child - me! And, now, here we are. It is because of him, I am determined to try and be as healthy as I can be so my children don't have to go through what I am going through. Caring for an elderly parent is extremely difficult as your attentions are divided between children, spouse, work, home, and (if you can squeeze it in) self.
The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.
I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?
Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"
The one thing I have done to commit myself to pursue painting is to register in a fine arts certificate program at a local college. I think this will make me make the time for myself. I've always taken night school courses in painting that have always been a great opportunity to spend time painting...but this time I want to actually pursue a program of some sort. I think I've found the perfect one and am quite happy and looking forward to starting in the spring.
I haven't been following along with the 12 Secrets...although, every time I check in to check everyone's blogs, events in my life seem to be mirroring whatever the secret of the week has been. Funny, eh?
Right now I'm just living...day to day...I just being and seeing where life will take me. The situation with my father is out of my control, even after trying everything we could. This brings me to question "do we have any control over anything?"
Friday, January 23, 2009
Don't understand what this all means...
I had a very interesting day today. It's been a rough week, in terms of caring for my father and get a handle on long-term care facilities and trying to navigate that maze.
Today, my mission was to get in touch with one of the long-term care facilities that would be cultural familiar for my father. After a week of being stone-walled, I thought I would start my day by trying to get through one more time. I phoned first thing in the morning. The young man was very friendly and kind, as I explained the difficulty I was having reaching the administrator in order to arrange a tour. He was understanding and apologetic and asked me my name, promising he would pass on the info to the administrator personally. I gave him my first name and started spelling my last...when he interrupted me and said "Miss, don't you recognize my voice. It's George!" And I did!! George was a former student of mine. I thought it sounded like him (he had a very distinct voice) but thought "what are the odds!" He assured me the home was a good one, but that reaching the administration was sometimes difficult. He said he'd pass on my info and get the administrator to call me. Which she did, 10 minutes later.
After an unproductive conversation with this 'administrator', I had planned on seeing my father to sign the application to enter a long-term care facility...but before I did that, I decided to go to a yoga class to try to relax. It's been a terribly stressful time, and I have not been exercising at all - and my stress is coming up in angry outbursts.
As I walk in to the gym, one of the young guys that work sales there, steps in front of me and says "Miss, I don't know if you remember me. My name is David S..." And I did!!! Wow! Two former students in one morning! He told me was he was up to and how he was doing. He seemed happy to see me and happy to share his success. What a high! I was so happy for him AND happy that he spoke to me!
So, up to the yoga class I go, and in walks a young woman who looks very familiar, but I couldn't place her. The instructor came in soon after and class was an intense 75 minutes of yoga. After the class, the young woman walks over to me and I recognized her (couldn't remember her name) and she said "Miss P, do you remember me?" Once again, I did!!! She told me her name and what she was up to and that she had just inquired at my old school for my info. She was going to contact me for a reference, how timely was today's meeting. I assured her she could use me as a reference and off we went.
When I got to the bank, to pay some bills for my father, I saw another former student...only we were both in seperate lines and didn't get a chance to talk.
I can't understand why all this happened, all in one day...all students I had worried about...all students who had a number of challenges in high school when I knew them...and all happy to share their success with me. It made my day....all I could think about was how fortunate I have been in my life to have taught wonderful young people. I wish they could know how much I've actually cared about their well-being and how I've prayed they found success.
After all this, I went to my dad's and had him sign the papers. He understands he may not be returning to his home after his surgery, but I tried to be hopeful telling him that if he got better, he might be able to come home. I have to hold that hope for him...and for myself. He was very tearful. I try to be strong for him and hide my grief so I cry in the car a lot when I'm driving from his home. I'm thankful for a lot in my life but I'm in so much pain right now, that I can't appreciate them.
Today, my mission was to get in touch with one of the long-term care facilities that would be cultural familiar for my father. After a week of being stone-walled, I thought I would start my day by trying to get through one more time. I phoned first thing in the morning. The young man was very friendly and kind, as I explained the difficulty I was having reaching the administrator in order to arrange a tour. He was understanding and apologetic and asked me my name, promising he would pass on the info to the administrator personally. I gave him my first name and started spelling my last...when he interrupted me and said "Miss, don't you recognize my voice. It's George!" And I did!! George was a former student of mine. I thought it sounded like him (he had a very distinct voice) but thought "what are the odds!" He assured me the home was a good one, but that reaching the administration was sometimes difficult. He said he'd pass on my info and get the administrator to call me. Which she did, 10 minutes later.
After an unproductive conversation with this 'administrator', I had planned on seeing my father to sign the application to enter a long-term care facility...but before I did that, I decided to go to a yoga class to try to relax. It's been a terribly stressful time, and I have not been exercising at all - and my stress is coming up in angry outbursts.
As I walk in to the gym, one of the young guys that work sales there, steps in front of me and says "Miss, I don't know if you remember me. My name is David S..." And I did!!! Wow! Two former students in one morning! He told me was he was up to and how he was doing. He seemed happy to see me and happy to share his success. What a high! I was so happy for him AND happy that he spoke to me!
So, up to the yoga class I go, and in walks a young woman who looks very familiar, but I couldn't place her. The instructor came in soon after and class was an intense 75 minutes of yoga. After the class, the young woman walks over to me and I recognized her (couldn't remember her name) and she said "Miss P, do you remember me?" Once again, I did!!! She told me her name and what she was up to and that she had just inquired at my old school for my info. She was going to contact me for a reference, how timely was today's meeting. I assured her she could use me as a reference and off we went.
When I got to the bank, to pay some bills for my father, I saw another former student...only we were both in seperate lines and didn't get a chance to talk.
I can't understand why all this happened, all in one day...all students I had worried about...all students who had a number of challenges in high school when I knew them...and all happy to share their success with me. It made my day....all I could think about was how fortunate I have been in my life to have taught wonderful young people. I wish they could know how much I've actually cared about their well-being and how I've prayed they found success.
After all this, I went to my dad's and had him sign the papers. He understands he may not be returning to his home after his surgery, but I tried to be hopeful telling him that if he got better, he might be able to come home. I have to hold that hope for him...and for myself. He was very tearful. I try to be strong for him and hide my grief so I cry in the car a lot when I'm driving from his home. I'm thankful for a lot in my life but I'm in so much pain right now, that I can't appreciate them.
What a week!
What a week it's been. Starting with my father refusing the hyperbaric treatment to ending with my father signing the long-term care application. And, in between, a whirlwind of events. After talking with Dr. D on Monday, he suggested I proceed with organizing the application for long-term care. I prepared the paperwork, but wanted to go look at the homes before I ranked the homes I was interested in. What a nightmare. I decided to go to the one I really think would be best for my father, and it was tough. Seeing the residents, many non-verbal and immobile, was really difficult. The coordinator assured me there was cognitive residents and that they would arrange it so my father would meet with them and he would have friends there.
The second home I tried to see, I couldn't. Why? Cause the administration was terrible - after not receiving any replies to my voicemail, I thought I would just drop in. Well, I stood at the counter as the receptionist conversed on the phone -- clearly a personal call. She didn't even pause when I walked up to the desk. Just chit-chatted away, as I stood clearing my throat, hoping she'd get the drift and get off the phone. Once off, she was just as helpful - NOT! Totally pointless waste of my time. Like a miracle, this morning when I call again, the person who answered the phone, turned out to be a former student of mine and he promised to personally pass on my message. The administrator called me back in 10 minutes! Interesting. Still, I can't go see the place until next week.
The third place, which is well-known and well-respected, has organized tours and I'll be seeing that in a couple of weeks.
The second home I tried to see, I couldn't. Why? Cause the administration was terrible - after not receiving any replies to my voicemail, I thought I would just drop in. Well, I stood at the counter as the receptionist conversed on the phone -- clearly a personal call. She didn't even pause when I walked up to the desk. Just chit-chatted away, as I stood clearing my throat, hoping she'd get the drift and get off the phone. Once off, she was just as helpful - NOT! Totally pointless waste of my time. Like a miracle, this morning when I call again, the person who answered the phone, turned out to be a former student of mine and he promised to personally pass on my message. The administrator called me back in 10 minutes! Interesting. Still, I can't go see the place until next week.
The third place, which is well-known and well-respected, has organized tours and I'll be seeing that in a couple of weeks.
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